The Royal Heir - Dancing with my eyes closed

Ever rising

The next couple of weeks go by in a flash. I didn't realise how much I'd missed spending time with my baby daughter, so we've done all the things. Taking walks through the grounds, around the lake, even a little trip around the town (and yes, I even spoke to some well-wishers who wanted to ooh and coo at the princess and offer me their heartfelt sympathy, and it was okay.) I even took Bella to meet the peacocks and the red pandas, they were really pleased to see us both.

Bella had changed so much in the short space of time since I last saw her. She can now open and close her little hands and she's holding her own head like an absolute pro now. She's drinking twice the amount of milk she was. As a result she's outgrown all the little newborn outfits I was putting her in before my time in Ramsford and we're onto the 3-6 months ones; we have a stockpile to go through and accessorise with binkies and snugglies and... nooo, more tights! Whyyyyy?

We do tummy time and tickle time and even a bit of baby yoga (who even knew that was a thing?) and have lots and lots of daddy and Bella snuggles. The best thing is, when I look at her now, I'm not constantly reminded of the night she was born. Because she's grown and flourished since then. She's a proper bouncing baby now.

She doesn't sleep through the night yet though, tragically that's not something she magically learned to do while I was away. The cot's still set up in my bedroom, and she's been spending her nights in there with me. And I don't mind when she wakes me up at stupid o' clock in the morning, even when I'm power tired. Because now I'm my daughter's sworn protector, and if she's having dreams about nasty goblins it's my job to scare them away and tell her stories about fairies and elves instead.

And not just fairies and elves. She gets to hear about the adventures of Agent Breakdance, the secret agent with a secret beat. He's got a baby girl too, Becca Breakdance, and every time he goes on a top secret mission to save the world, like outsmarting aliens or tricking sneaky pirate kings, he always comes back to Becca. And it's the same with me and Bella. We're in this together forever.

One day while Bella's napping I decide to have a bit of a tidy up, as the bedroom we're sharing is starting to look a bit like a bomb's gone off in it. Even the corgis aren't too keen to venture into it these days. So I gather up a few piles of her old clothes and toys she's either outgrown or destroyed and head into one of the opposite bedrooms that we always used to use as a bit of a dumping ground. I find a spot to chuck them, thinking maybe I'll task Verity or Christopher or someone to start going through all this stuff.

And I look around the room and I see things I haven't seen for a while.

When Jen first died, I couldn't bear the sight of all her little things everywhere. Her hairbrushes, her cosmetics, her jewellery. A lot of it got shoved in drawers, but there's a box of stuff in here that must have been moved out of my sight by Christopher, or maybe Hana. Jen's handbags. The tiara she wore on our wedding day. Lots of pairs of shoes. Several jewellery boxes full of pretty things. Even her ridiculous fancy hat collection. She never even wore them, that's the stupid bit. It was just a running joke.

I pick up the book she was in the middle of reading when she died. She'll never get to find out how it ended now. And that really, really hurts.

I see just underneath it there's a few bags of her favourite Hershey's chocolates that I bought for her, not knowing she'd never get to eat them. She must have been saving them as a treat for those last long days of pregnancy she never got to experience.

One day, I know all these things she left behind will be treasures rather than traps for me. For now, it's probably best they remain out of my sight.

I close the door, and I hear Bella's gurgle. I go pick her up and give her a cuddle.