The Royal Heir - Dancing with my eyes closed

Feeling these feelings

**This chapter is NSFW and contains strong language**

***

I lie awake all night that night. Staring at the ceiling. Hating myself.

I'm an asshole. I just used someone. Someone I really shouldn't have used. Someone I care about.

All of the conversations and interactions I've had with Tommy over the last few weeks are whizzing around my head. Little hints I never picked up on, little clues that passed me by. How flustered he got when he saw me shirtless at the gym, how he knows so much random stuff about me that I haven't ever told him, the not a date, the song that reminded him of me, all those little maybe moments we had before we finally kissed last weekend...

So, yeah, now I know. Tommy's totally catching feelings too. And what did I do? I just trampled all over them. Because for me, what just happened was... phew. I don't have words right now for how much I enjoyed myself. But, it was just us getting each other off, right? It didn't mean anything, did it?

Did it?

It did, you screwup, you know it did. You wanted him, you wanted it to happen. You had a freaking sex dream about him. You daydreamed about something happening between you while he was away. You care about him. Of course it meant something.

Then I glance at the photo of Jen on the bedside table. Whatever it meant, it shouldn't have. Because you still love Jen. She's your endgame.

And I need to make sure Tommy knows that. Tonight was... let's face it, it was so hot. Like, hot as hell. But it wasn't cool. I can't use him like that again. His friendship means too much to me. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I owe him that much.

***

The next day is Sunday, and I don't see Tommy all day, which is unusual. I get the feeling he might be doing his best to avoid me after the kitchen incident. And I don't blame him.

Later in the evening, after I've put Bella down, I spot that his door is ajar, and I hear what sounds like his TV blaring out into the corridor. He's in there, and he wants me to know it.

I take a deep breath, and I knock gently on the door, trying not to push it further open.

"Yep," I hear.

I peek around the door. Tommy's lying on his bed, with Duchess curled up next to him, watching TV.

"That's where she went!" I exclaim. "Bella had me looking for her everywhere earlier!"

He's looking at Bella's cat fondly. "I think she likes me." Then he looks up at me, and I see something between hope and uncertainty in his eyes.

Yeah, I know exactly how it feels to be Tommy right now.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

He's now looking at the TV again. "Sure."

I come in, and push the door to rather than close it. At least he hasn't moved the Z-box I got him back in here. Maybe he doesn't hate me that much. I sit on the windowsill.

"Did you want to play Z-box?" he asks, idly.

"No," I say firmly. "I want to talk."

He immediately picks up the TV remote to turn off the TV. Then he looks directly at me, his expression deadly serious. "I'm listening."

"I'm sorry," I blurt out. "I was a total tool last night for bailing on you after.. what happened in the kitchen."

"Apology accepted," he says, and this confirms to me how much I've hurt him. Normally he spins whatever I say to justify my behaviour. But not this time. It wasn't justifiable.