31 Days.. (a zayn malik fanfiction)

chapter 34-goodbye

CHAPTER 34: GOODBYE

A faint light of ray from the morning Parisian sun peaked through the curtains of our windows in the hotel. It was cold in the room, but our bare bodies between the sheets created a comfortable warmth. My heavy eyes sensed the earliness of the morning, urging, convincing my body to fall back asleep, but with an awakening of the feel of Zayn’s arm around me, the sound of his heart beat softly against my ear and the scent of his natural, un-cologned skin, sleep was no longer my prioritised desire anymore like it use to be.
I peaked my head up from his chest and gazed at the face that brought every kind of happiness to me since the day we met. A face that represented a person that gave unbelievable measures of love to me through what most was important: actions. He brought his words to life and led me into a different world that I had never entered before; one that only opened up to whom held hearts filled with the purity love of the truest kind could solely create. 
Though there were many times his actions tore me apart and left me lost in a pit of emotions and uncertainty, I still loved him throughout it all and learnt that love needn’t be perfect. It just needed to be true. 
*Ding! Ding! Ding!*
My gaze was disturbed as the alarm clock rang from what sounded like screeching to my ears. I abruptly dived at the clock trying to turn it off as quick as I could, hoping it wouldn’t wake up Sleeping Beauty, and held it in my hands, sighing as I looked down at the time. 
7:00AM. 
My memory clicked.
My flight was soon. 
Too soon.
I ran my fingers through my hair stressfully, a haunting feeling beginning to overtake my body. I was shaking. I was scared. Reality was coming and this dream of a life was quickly slipping out of my reach as the seconds, the minutes, went by. Nothing was okay anymore, I was leaving. I was really leaving. 
I tried taking a big breath, attempting to calm myself as my thoughts very much overwhelmed me. I looked to my side to see Zayn for a sense of comfort to only find him staring back at me, grinning. 
“Zayn!” I exclaimed, fixing my hair to look somewhat presentable, “I didn’t know you were awake.”
The grin on his face turned to a smile, “Good morning babe.” he beamed, sitting up and placing his hand at the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss,
His kiss set off the beats in my heart to pound rapidly so effortlessly and made me forget about everything that was bearing within me for the moment.
We fell back onto the bed and I snuggled up onto his chest again, his arm comfortably fitting around me. 
“I love you Zayn.” I emitted out of nowhere,
He chuckled, “I love you too Holly.” 
He shuffled along side me so that are eyes could now meet, “You’re the best thing to wake up to.” he smiled with his delicate hand caressing my cheek, 
I closed my eyes and tilted my head so that I could comfortably rest on his hand, fully taking advantage of this moment that could not be revisited in a while.
“Are you okay, babe?” he asked with a worried tone, “You’re a bit….. you don’t seem.. okay?” 
I opened up my eyes again, seeing his own staring back into mine. The alarm inside of them made me feel uneasy again, the horrible emotions of fear arising once more as the thought of leaving was just too much to bear. 
“No.” I said simply with a blank face,
His eyebrows furrowed with confusion at my vagueness, “What’s wrong?” he took my hands and held them, “Tell me. I’m here.”
I swallowed loudly, unsure of whether to tell him how I felt. Would it be selfish of me to ruin what could of been a perfect morning with these horrible feelings I was holding? Shouldn’t I just have acted like nothing was wrong so that we could leave off with a good moment to remember?
‘Leave off’
My mind retraced back to those two words. It sent a cold shudder inside of me, irking me. All of what we had I was leaving behind. And all of a sudden I was becoming a part of his past. And the pain inside of me was like nothing I had ever felt before, it was horrid and I knew that it was only the start.
“That’s the thing Zayn,” I quaked, feeling the emotions surfacing, “You won’t be here for long! I won’t be here for long! We won’t be together for long!” 
The intensity of my emotions increased out of nowhere and all of a sudden, I was a hopeless wreck. I feared this life that was waiting for me on that plane. I feared this life that was waiting for me without Zayn.
“Holly..” he whispered, pulling me into his arms with a kiss on the forehead, “Just because we won’t be in the same country, doesn’t mean I won’t always be here for you. You should know that by now. I promise you’re never going to lose me.” he leaned back and smiled assuringly, “I’m always just a phone call away. A Skype call away. A text away.” he smugged, “Even a sext away!”
My body froze but my eyes widened, bulging out of my sockets with a glare as he flashed a cheeky grin at me, “You loser!” I shouted, punching him in the chest,
“Cheered you up didn’t I?” he winked, 
I rolled my eyes denying it, though I knew he was completely right. He was the only one in my life who could pull me out of the most horrible moods with an inappropriate comment and get away with it. I would never admit that to him though. It would do wonders to his ego, but I’m sure at the back of his mind he already knew that.
To think that I couldn’t have that the way I did now soon, tore me up more than one could imagine. 
“I hate to admit but.. I’m going to miss you so much Zayn.” I said, eyes not being able to look into his,
“Don’t lie,” he snickered,bringing me into his arms again, “You don’t hate to admit that. I know you’ll miss me.”
I pinched his arm immediately, “Ass! You’re meant to say you’ll miss me too!”
“Alright, alright!” he giggled, wrapping my pinching hands around his, “Holly you know I’ll miss you. Life isn’t going to be the same without you, I can’t even bare to even think about it.”
I nodded sadly, “I don’t want to think about it either…” I shifted beside him and looked up to his face, sighing, “Zayn..?” I quietly asked,
“Yeah?” he replied smiling,
I didn’t want to ask with fear of the answer but at the same time, I had a refusing urge to know.
“How long…” the words struggled to come out, “How long.. do you think it’ll be before we… see each other again?” my eyes were staring intently into his with pure anxiety,
I watched as the expression changed on his face like reality had just hit him, “I-I don’t know..” he stuttered unwillingly, 
*Ring! Ring! Ring!*
Zayn’s BlackBerry released loud rings filling the silence that was suddenly upon us, our stares blank. He avoided the rings and moved around in bed so that he was now lying on his back, taking my hand in his. 
*Ring! Ring! Ring!*
The rings were continuous and it was clear that whoever was calling was not going to give up. He looked at me in despair and sloppily reached for his phone and grinned at the screen, “It’s Liam,” he sighed,
I peered over for a look and checked the time, knowing very well it was time to leave, “Trust Liam to keep us on track, huh?” I joked, feeling sickness coming as the dreaded moment was drawing near, 
Zayn looked up from the screen and eyed me, noticing my pale and worried face, “Don’t worry I won’t pick up.” 
He threw his phone across the bed and swiftly pulled me closer so that our skin was against one another’s again. 
“I should just kidnap you.” he sulked, wrapping his arms around my head, 
“I wish you would.” I uttered, placing my hand on his arm, 
He released his arms from around my head and looked into my eyes adoringly but still, a sadness well evident. “Don’t you worry about us, okay?” he assured, his fingers now tangling themselves into the strands of my hair, “We’ll get through this. I promise. I won’t give up on you. On us.”
I smiled tensely at his words of assurance. Though they may have settled my heart somewhat, hearing the words I wanted also made it that much harder to say goodbye to him. 
“I’m scared Zayn.” I admitted, biting my lip out of nerves,
His brown puppy dog eyes unleashed unto me, “I am too” he replied sighing, “But as soppy as this is going to sound..”
“Oh here we go,” I joked, 
“Shh,” he chuckled pinching my side, “I know how I feel about you and I know it won’t change. Just have faith in us. Everything will fall into place.”
I smiled warm heartedly at his optimism but it still did not rid the fear that took over me. It seemed though no matter how many times Zayn could reassure me with words so sweet, I still felt like my world was crumbling and the possibility of losing him was utmost high.
*Ring! Ring! Ring!*
My phone chimed beside me and it wasn’t surprising to see who’s caller ID was flashing up, “It’s Liam.” I sort of laughed as I slid my finger across the screen to answer,
Zayn sat up and watched me as I pressed the phone against my ear,
“Liam,”
“Oh!” Liam answered with surprise in his tone, “I didn’t think you’d pick up to be honest.” he chuckled,
“Thought we’d give in the fourth time round,” I laughed as I eyed Zayn,
“Good night then?” he asked, his smile audible through the line,
“Definitely, Zayn took m—”
“Ah uh!!!” he interrupted, “Hold on!! You distracted me!!” he whined, “I’m meant to be calling you to get you out of there not to hear the details! Your flight is really soon Hols, you guys have to leave now! C’mon get changed and get going!” 
“I—” 
I frowned and stared at Zayn, “He hung up!”
He laughed shifting closer to me, “What’d he say?”
“That we have to leave…” I sighed, throwing my phone across the bed,
Zayn’s eyebrows furrowed as he checked the clock, “Oh shit!!”
He leaped from the bed, frantically picking up clothes around the room and throwing them into his bag, “We’re late!” he yelled, running to the bathroom, “C’mon babe we gotta go!”
I sighed falling onto my back, my fingers through my hair. This was it. The beginning of the end was before us. 
Zayn’s body suddenly collapsed on top of me as his lips swiftly stole a kiss, “C’mon, we’re late already!”
I nodded slowly, “Okay.” my voice croaked as I looked to the side,
His fingers gently placed themselves through my hair, “I love you.” he whispered, 
I turned my head to see him as I watched his eyes follow his fingers playing through the strands of my hair longingly and smiled, “I love you too Zayn.”
His eyes concentrated back into mine and his lips touched my own as we shared the start of our last kisses. My stomach was churning, I didn’t want to be without him. 
As our kiss broke apart he sat up and pulled me off the bed to stand, “I’ll help you pack.” he said as he quickly kissed my forehead, 
I lazily picked up my shirt that laid on the floor nearby and placed it into my suitcase and began putting the rest of my remains along with it. After everything was ready we made our way back to London and headed to Zayn’s apartment to gather the rest of my stuff and drove off to the airport for my flight. 
I held Zayn’s hand tight, trembling, as we entered into the airport with the heels of my boots clacking on the tiles. We immediately spotted a big group of familiar faces that lighted up as they saw us coming closer. 
“HOLLY!!!!” Danielle screeched as she ran towards me, 
I dropped Zayn’s hand and my grip on my suitcase, welcoming Danielle into my arms with Eleanor soon bombarding us with her own. 
“I can’t believe you’re leaving!” Danielle pouted as she held my hand, 
“Neither can I, I really wish I could stay seriously.” 
“Don’t worry love, we know we’ll see you again.” Eleanor assured with her smile so lovely,
“Don’t hog her!” Lou grouched, poking his tongue out at Eleanor as he pulled me into a hug, 
“Ahhh!!” I heard Harry scream, feeling him behind me, joining in our hug, 
The sandwiched hug began to feel tighter and I realised the rest of the boys attached themselves to the mountain of arms that surrounded me. 
That really did it for me. The tears were welling up in my eyes and I didn’t bother holding them back. The emotions that built up from this morning were rushing out of me and I knew they were going to be out of control for God knows how long.
Lou was the first to notice my tears and responded by only gripping his arms around me tighter, “Don’t cry love. We’ll all see each other again.”he whispered into my ear,
My only response were sobs which caught the attention of the rest of the boys as they broke from the group hug, with Lou only remaining. 
“Aww babe,” Eleanor sighed, “See this is why you boys shouldn’t hug her. She obviously doesn’t like you all. Come ere babe.” she smirked at Lou as she placed her arm around my neck and wiped away my tears, 
“We’ll miss you Hols.” Niall smiled as he squeezed my hand,
I looked at Eleanor sadly and moved away from her as I came into Niall for that one last ‘Horan hug’ I was sure to miss, “I’ll miss you too you crazy little Irish man.” I sobbed, hugging him tight, 
“Right then it’s my turn!!” Liam bossed, nudging Niall off, “You stay safe okay? We’ll definitely visit you in Australia, promise!”
“Thanks Liam” I smiled as I rested my head onto his shoulder, 
As I stepped back from our hug, a charming Harry Styles stood there waiting for his turn grinning, “Come ere you!!” he emitted, throwing his arms around me, “Now I wanna see those tears go away, alright?” he smiled, 
I laughed as I rolled my eyes, wiping my wet cheeks with the palms of my hands, “I’ll miss you Haz.”
“And my nakedness?” he grinned again,
“No!” I shouted, pinching his side, 
He laughed and hugged me one last time, “I’ll miss you too.”
“Alright, alright, I believe it’s my turn. You took way too long Haz.” Lou cautioned, then took my hands, “Remember Holly, you can call us or whatever whenever you need okay? We’re all here for ya.”
I hugged Lou quickly, grateful to have a friend like him so close to me. From the beginning he was the one that was always there for me and Zayn, and I was always going to feel like I owed everything to him. 
“Thank you so much Lou. Without you I don’t even think Zayn and I would still be together.” I spoke honestly,
“I’m sure the both of you would’ve found a way, don’t be silly. I just wanted what’s best for the both of you. You both mean a lot.” he smiled, “Now go on, Zayn’s getting impatient.” he laughed staring at Zayn as they exchanged silly faces, 
As my steps drew me closer to Zayn his eyes moved from Lou’s and met mine. His hands grabbed me into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist firmly, our hearts beating against one another. My tears were resurfacing, pouring rapidly from my eyes as our hold brought on the feelings that longed for me to stay in his arms. To stay with him.
“Zayn,” I quietly sobbed looking up to him, “If you tell me now you want me to stay. I’ll stay with you. I won’t leave.”
Zayn’s expression was blank till his eyebrows fell to the sides as he bit his lip nervously, “Holly,” he tried chuckling to fight the sad emotions he was enduring, “you know I want you to stay. But it’s important that you follow your dreams too. I know how hard you worked to get this job, don’t let it slip from you. This opportunity won’t wait for you, but I will. I will wait for you.”
He pulled his arms from my waist and cupped my face into his hands like he always did and leaned in with a kiss so passionate and so full of love. The both of us transferred every single feeling we held for each other through our lips. We both sunk into each others existence not caring about anything but ourselves, making sure that this last kiss was not wasted. 
As the rest of the world slowly came back into vision as our lips parted, Zayn tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled strongly, grabbing both my hands and touching my left and right ring fingers where my infinity ring and tattoo sat, “Just remember, I will always be yours.”
His lips softly placed themselves one last time onto my forehead, releasing those familiar tingles throughout my body, “I love you Holly.”
I threw my arms around his neck and dug my head into his chest as my sobs turned into more tears. My heart was breaking, my body was breaking, I was breaking and my flight was announcing its departure. 
“I love you too Zayn.” I cried, holding his cheek in the palm of my hand, not believing how far we came,
I turned around to see everybody else with a few tearful faces and reluctantly said my last goodbyes to them all. When I was ready and all goodbyes were done, Zayn took my hand and held me in his arms one last time. I breathed in his scent and hugged him with everything I had as I closed my eyes, reminiscing on my time here in London. A time that I had no idea would completely change my life. A time I was never going to forget. 
The hardest part of leaving was remembering everything that I was leaving behind. The friends, the get togethers, the outings, the happiness. But it seems that in life, all good things must come to an end but with this one good thing in my life escaping me and the way that I was feeling, this burden was forever to exist inside of me until I could be with him again. Zayn was a part of me now and I couldn’t be able to be who I was before him. I was nothing now. I was empty. 
“I promise I’ll call when I land.” I managed to say as I looked into his sad orbs, 
He nodded with a forced smiled, hands still tangled with mine, “Have a safe flight, babe.”
My lips softly touched his one more time and the start of my world crumbling had begun as I walked into that gate that led me to the plane that would take me away.
**
When you’re around someone so much that means everything to you, they grow onto you, they become a part of you and then when they’re gone you don’t know who you are without them anymore. I was surrounded by a plane full of people but never in my life had I felt so alone. 4 hours had past and the empty feeling inside of me just continued to grow like a parasite the longer I was trapped not only in this plane, but trapped in my own thoughts, my own heart break. 
I was intoxicated. Alcohol became my best friend along side isolating myself in that small cubicle of a toilet as I cried my heart out each time, longing for Zayn. I was hopeless, I was out of control. I didn’t know what took over me, I was a complete and utter wreck without him. I had already become well known on this plane with my frequent visits to the toilet, naively thinking my sobbing was kept to a quiet volume. But I didn’t care. I didn’t fight this pathetic image I put of myself to all these strangers, because that’s what I was. I was pathetic. I was pathetic for being pathetic without him, but I was pathetic because I was without him.
The fact that the next time we would be together again was uncertain, absolutely petrified me. Zayn was preparing for his next tour with the boys and I was starting my career. There was no space for us anymore. Our lives didn’t fit. How were we going to work out with different lives, with different homes? How?
Being on this plane was like a jail sentence, I was stuck with nothing but these unbearable feelings and questions I continuously asked myself that were killing me, eating me up, with nothing to distract me. 
I stood up from my seat for the 41st time and made my routinely way to the toilet once more. I sighed with relief that the little light above signalled it was vacant and upped my pace as I wasn’t too far from it now, ready to cry out these emotions again. 
I stumbled as the plane bumped in the air just before my hand could pull on the door and frowned, looking around to see if anyone noticed. 
*Ding!*
“I’m sorry Miss, the seat belt sign has just come on. If you could please walk back to your seat and buckle up.” a flight attendant urged politely, 
“But I.. I’ll be quick!” I tried to bargain,
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you go in.” 
I sighed, “Okay.”
“Thank you.”
I sniffled and swiped my hand across my nose, yelling inside of my head to suck those tears back in. I didn’t have my safe spot anymore to temporarily release the dark feelings that just didn’t seem to fade away.
As I walked further down the aisle I stumbled again, this time falling on top of a man reading a newspaper. 
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” I cried, pulling myself off him as quick as I could, 
“This is the Captain speaking, would all passengers please make sure they return to their seats and fasten their seat belt. We’re experiencing a bit of turbulence. Thank you.”
I sighed as the grouchy man ignored my apology and sat myself down into my seat and buckled up. My eyes closed as I forced my body to fall asleep, but it seemed that the isolation trip to the toilet was needed more than ever this time. The tears were rapidly building up out of no where and the emptiness inside of me was surging, taking over me and leaving me in a horrid state. The turbulence of the plane began to become uncomfortably rocky at this point but I ignored it, trying to block out the thoughts in my head of depression that came from remembering that the further this plane went, the further I was from Zayn.
“Passengers, I would like to remind everyone again to please make sure that you are seated and that your buckles remain tight and firm. Thank you.”
I pleaded to myself to stop the thoughts but it continued to go on, making me feel worse and more broken. But the negative thoughts and emotions just fed off each other, growing and growing. There was no point in fighting it anymore.
My eyes shot open as the turbulence lifted me up from my seat though my buckle was indeed fastened. The tears then took the opportunity of my open eyes to fall out and stream down my cheeks fast as I tried to wipe them away quickly to prevent anyone from seeing it. But no matter how many times I wiped them away, they continued to fall. The tears were endless. 
“This is the Captain again. Passengers, please stay calm and remain seated.”
The Captain’s announcement was immediately followed by a huge rush of squeals from everyone as the plane felt like it leaned to the side. 
“Everyone! Remain calm!” the flight attendant yelled from the front, 
Another set of squeals released as the plane experienced something that was more than just a bump of turbulence, causing every one to fall forward. That’s when I realised, there was a possibility that death was upon me.
As the long minutes went on, the plane didn’t get better, it only worsened. No one remained calm, everyone knew what was ahead of us. The screams, the squeals, they were haunting. But even still, the burden I was carrying inside of me from heart break overruled the vile fate of my life at this very moment.
“Passengers! Please remember your safety jackets!” the flight attendant nervously yelled, 
And then, it happened. 
The final signal that sealed what we all knew was coming. 
It was clear now that the engine of the plane was failing. I looked around at the scared faces, some praying for our survival, all hoping for a miracle, tears reflecting the fear that the life we all once had was soon to be over. 
But I wasn’t afraid. The fear of death was strangely enough nothing compared to the fear I held of living a life without Zayn by my side. 
Gravity started to take us as we spiralled more and more down, the speed quickening, the yells of the helpless louder. 
I was falling, tasting the bitter sweet tears that streamed down my face with pictures of each day I spent with Zayn replaying in my mind like a flashback. I saw the first time my eyes laid themselves on his sweet smile outside that cafe, I saw our first kiss with lips so raw with love, I saw the moments where his eyes said so much more than his mouth ever could and I saw the moment I offered my complete all to him in that one night.
I brought my hand up to my mouth and kissed my infinity ring goodbye, “I love you Zayn.” I whispered as I closed my eyes and leaned back into my chair, blocking out the screams,
And there I was falling.
Fading.
Fading from my body. From my soul.
From who I use to be.
And then, 
I was gone.
*** Zayn’s POV ***
After we left the airport I didn’t think it was possible to feel as shit as I did right now. My head hurt, my eyes hurt and as cliche as it may sound, my heart was enduring the most hurt I had ever felt in my life. The boys tried to cheer me up which I was grateful for, but all I really wanted was to be alone. But as a meeting was scheduled ever so conveniently after Holly’s flight with management and Paul, I had to hold off for a little longer to get through this torture of a day without her by my side. 
“Now I know you’re all pretty upset right now..” Paul stopped, eyeing me across the room, ”..but I’ve got some good news that will cheer you up!”
I leaned my elbow on the table, resting my head onto my hand and rolled my eyes, zoning out and completely uninterested in what Paul had to say. Nothing could pull me out of this mood.
“Aherm,” Paul coughed, “Especially you Zayn.” he smiled,
“C’mon mate, give him a chance.” Liam whispered as he nudged me,
I sighed and sat up in my chair looking at Paul, pursing my lips as an attempt of a smile.
“Trust me.” he nodded, then turned to see Niall, “Right, so we all know our friend Cher Lloyd is touring Australia in a few weeks to make a name of herself over there. But unfortunately, her supporting act has had to cancel. So…”
“So…..!?!!?” Louis urged,
“So…” Paul grinned, “Her management called us up the other day and asked whether you boys could help her out, since you’re well known over there, you could help her make it big as the supporting act. But that’s if you boys only want to go to Australia that is.. Zayn?”
My eyes widened as if they were about to pop out of my head, my heart racing a million miles as I jumped onto Liam, screaming at the top of my lungs, “YES! YES OF COURSE! OH MY GOD, YES!”
The boys all tackled me to the floor as the excitement exploded into the room. To say that I was happy would be the biggest understatement of the year. Of the millennium even!
Tears of complete joy were surfacing in my eyes for I was going to see my Holly again. Though it had only been a couple of hours since she was with me last, the feeling of losing her like that was something I had never once felt before in my life and I hoped I would never have to experience again. 
But now that we were going to Australia before our tour, everything was going to be okay. As soon as I breathe her sweet scent, hold the feel of her skin against mine and lips that only belonged to me, everything was going to be okay.