dreamnap : thoughts u won't say aloud

11:: what's REALLY stopping you

:the things that i lost here, the people i knew they got me surrounded for a mile or two
(the view between villages [extended version], noah kahan)

•••••

when dream got home from school, he ran for his bedroom. he had a question he needed to answer.

he quickly shut his door and sat down on his bed. he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened safari.

'how to tell if you're gay'

he hesitated. he wasn't sure if his suspicions on his own sexuality were right but he wanted to check still. he pressed his thumb down on the search button where he was met with millions of results.

he read the recommended box at the top of the page. his eyes scanned over the words taking in the information that meant the world to him.

'If you think you might be gay, try asking yourself these questions: When I dream or fantasize sexually, do I think about other guys? Can I picture myself dating, having sex with, loving or being married to a guy? Have I ever had a crush on or been in love with another guy?'

dream sighed. he felt stupid having to copy what a google recommendation says but he followed it anyways.

when i dream or fantasize sexually, do i think about other guys?
dream rarely thought of sex. it wasn't something that he felt as though concerned him. he decided just to try thinking about it.

he imagined being in a room where he was having sex with sapnap. the thought felt so horrid to have in his mind, dream was almost disgusted at his own actions but he couldn't bring himself to actually be. the thought of him actually having sex with sapnap felt too nice to him.

he cut his thoughts off before he became hard at the thought of his best friend. he didn't even mean to imagine his best friend, it was just the first person who came to mind.

can i picture myself dating, having sex with, loving or being married to a guy?
dream decided to imagine a more positive thought. what if he were to date sapnap? he imagined cuddling the boy in his bed, the way his body would perfectly fit against his.

all dream wanted was to be all lovey-dovey with sapnap. the idea of cuddling with the boy to fall asleep stuck in his head and he wasn't even upset about it.

have i ever had a crush on or been in love with another guy?
dream paused. he knows he loves sapnap—he always has loved sapnap and always will. how could he not love sapnaps green eyes, his stubble, his smooth voice, his pink lips, his—

dream cut off his own thought. "there's my answer." he whispered under his breath.

after what felt like months of denial he finally has come to accept the fact that he has a crush on his best friend and always has.

the thought of labeling his sexuality was too much for him to handle so he pushed it aside. as far as he knew was that he wouldn't hate the idea of having sex with sapnap.

that was good enough for him.

but what was he going to do about his crush? move on and let sapnap live happily ever after with some girl who supposedly looks like him but isn't actually him? absolutely not.

dream decided to text his little sister to come to his bedroom. if there was anyone who could help with dreams complicated feelings it was drista.

she walked into his bedroom. "what?" she asked. dream smiled. "there's something important i need to talk to you about." he said as he watched her raise an eyebrow at him.