dreamnap : thoughts u won't say aloud

9:: "i wish you were a girl"

:don't you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?
(orange juice, noah kahan)

•••••

dream walked into his mothers bedroom. he hasn't seen her all weekend and it felt wrong to him to just walk in her house and not bother to at least check in with her.

"hey mama." dream said as he opened her door. she had a smile on her face. "hey dreamy. how was your fathers?" she asked. dream always wondered how she would ask about his father and be so okay with the thought of him potentially having a good time with his father.

dream had a jealousy problem his whole life. his father told him that he got it from his mother so you can imagine his shock when she doesn't seem to ever get jealous.

"miserable, nothing new though, i never expect it to be exciting," dream joked, earning a laugh from his mother. "i wanted to talk to you about something serious." dream stood anxiously in his mothers doorway. she nodded and patted her bed.

"sit down and tell me then. you should be comfortable." she told him. dream nodded as he sat down in the respected spot next to his mother. he let out a sigh as he prepared the words that tasted foul in his mouth.

"well, this is going to be unexpected, at least i think it is." dream warned his mother. she gave him a small smile. "all teenagers say crazy things. i promise you whatever you say will be fine." dream shook his head.

"what i'm going to tell you wont be a normal thing to hear from me." he said with a chuckle. "c'mon dream, you're going in circles." she told him. dream realized he was stalling but a part of him wished his mother didn't catch on.

"i kissed someone." dream started. his mother smiled. "well, congratulations," his mother happily said. when dream didn't reciprocate the emotion, his mother furrowed her eyebrows. "not good?" she asked.

"i kissed a boy, mom." dream quietly said. his mother raised her eyebrows. "a boy?" she asked to double check she heard him right. dream nodded.

his mother sat next to him, blank response to dreams words. "is this boy your boyfriend?" she asked him. dream shook his head. "just a friend." he told her. she nodded. "just a friend." she repeated.

dream began to bite the inside of his cheek out of paranoia. "well, we didn't just kiss—"

"oh god please don't tell me you two had sex." his mother cut him off. he shook his head. "i wouldn't tell you that." he told her. "i would hope so." she responded.

dream began to feel tears well in his eyes. something about his mothers disapproval to him possibly sleeping with a boy hurt him.

"well, we didn't you know, have sex. we didn't just kiss: we made out." dream told her, his voice breaking. his mother looked at him sympathetically. "don't start crying sweetie." she said as she pulled dream into a hug. he wrapped his arms around her as tears fell out of his eyes and onto her shoulder.

"i'm not mad at you." she said. dream pulled away from the hug. "you just don't seem super happy to hear this." dream panicked and said. his mother shook her head. "i'm just a little surprised, that's all," she calmly told him.

"i wouldn't have guessed you'd kiss a boy."

dream nodded but he was still upset. "i don't know if i'm gay or not, and i can't figure it out." he explained to her. she nodded. "i'm not asking you to figure it out." she reminded him. dream nodded. "i just—i'm really stressed about it because i can't label the easiest thing in the world."

his mother held his left hand. "it's not the easiest thing in the world. don't tell yourself that this is easy for everyone else because it's not. others are struggling with the same problem as you," she explained to him. "i'll love you no matter what label you give yourself. all i want is for you to be happy."