Is It Worth It?

February 3, 2016

"I'm back." I say and try to smile.

She smiles back at me.
"I see that. How have you been?"

"Pretty good. I'm not used to having time off." I say. God honest truth.

"What have you been doing?"

"Honestly, I've mostly been sleeping and eating junk food," I smirk.

"A nice change?"

"Yeah, I guess." I say and ponder on how I will continue. "Everything I tell you is in confidence, right? I mean, you can't tell anyone about what we talk about?"

"That's correct."

"Good. I always have to be careful who I talk to, you know?" I say. I know my smile is sad.

"I can imagine. I promise that anything you say here will stay in this room. This is a safe place."

I sigh and rub my hands over my face. Even if I have slept countless hours I'm still exhausted.

"That must be difficult. Always having to think about what you express and how you express it and who you can trust."

"It comes with the job." I reply.

"Do you have people in your life you feel that you can trust and be yourself with?"

"Yeah. I have my family and a couple of friends from before I got famous that hasn't sold me out. My bandmates of course and... my boyfriend."

"Wanna tell me about him?"

To my surprise, I start bawling. She hands me a tissue.
"I'm sorry." I manage to get out between sobs.

"It's okay."

She looks at me with sympathy and waits for me to calm down enough to be able to talk.
"I love him so much but it's rough."

"Being apart?"

"No. He's one of my bandmates. Louis." I say and blow my nose loudly.

"How long have you been together?"

"Five years. From the start." I answer with a shaky voice.

She smiles at me and waits for me to continue. The words just flow out of my mouth.
"He means everything to me. Without him, I wouldn't have made it through these five years with everything that happened. It has been crazy! We had no idea we would be this famous. Our fans scream and faint when they see us for crying out loud. I'll never get used to that. They can't know about us though. Our label and management has made that perfectly clear and it has been rough, you know? Having to hide our relationship, especially when we haven't had that much free time."

"There's a lot to unpack there."

"Yeah." I sigh.

"So you're closeted?"

"Yes." I confirm.

"Against your will?"

"Well, kind of. We've signed a contract." I tell her.

"How do you feel about that?"

Geez. Why does she continue to ask me about my feelings? Right, therapist.
"I mean, I understand why. That's how the industry works. Do I wish my sexuality wasn't that damn important? Of course. I am who I am. I can't change that. It shouldn't matter but it does. It should be about not having to label everything, not having to clarify what boxes you're checking."

"Do you feel like you're playing a role?"

I had to think about that for a while.
"Yeah, I guess I am doing that."

"Do you know who you are?"

I still have no answer to that question.