Is It Worth It?

March 16, 2016

"Today I think we should talk about the things you won't be able to change if you decide to pursue a solo career and find ways to cope with that."

"Alright. Let's hear it." I smile. Our last session gave me hope for the future.

"Well, I'm guessing you'd still have to be closeted. Is that an accurate assumption?"

My mood change in an instant.
"Yeah."

"How do you feel about that?"

"It comes with the job, I guess." I sigh.

"You just stated something very important."

"I did?" I ask and scratch my head.

"Yes. Singing is your job. It's what you do not who you are."

"The lines are kind of blurry." I chuckle.

"Then it's time for you to define them. Don't let fame swallow you whole."

"I hate the word fame or famous because it has no substance.” I snort.

"What has then?"

"Substance? Life, friendships, relationships, love." I answer.

"Draw a line between private Harry and famous Harry. Love your job. Do it well. At the end of the day leave it behind. Find that work-life balance."

"I'll try my best." I promise. She's right.

"Now, closeting is a part of your job. Are you open in your personal life?"

"I've been really open with it with my friends and family, but that's my personal experience; it's mine." I reply.

"Exactly. I'm glad to hear that. Outside the spotlight, you're just like anyone else. You might be closeted in public but not privately, and at the end of the day remember what I said, it's a job."

"Yeah." I agree.

"That doesn't mean that you can't have some control in that field as well."

"How?" I have to ask.

"Stunt dating for example. You might be able to negotiate the terms. Maybe you only have to "date" someone when you have something to promote? Like a new record. You can also set a timeframe. Make sure to always have everything in writing."

"Great advice!" I smile. I've never thought about the possibility of making demands like that. Maybe I could now?

"Lastly, if you want to be able to come out publically one day negotiate that and make sure it's reasonable so they'll agree to it. Put in in writing."

"Thank you. These are all great, important advice." I say and I really mean it.

"Alright, with that taken care of let's focus on your mental health. Are you eating?"

"Yes."

"Sleeping?"

"Yes."

"How is your mindset? Feeling blue?"

"It's better but I have my dips." I admit.

"Any suicidal thoughts?"

I hesitate. This is a sensitive subject.
"Not anymore."

"But you've had suicidal thoughts in the past?"

"Yes."

"Ever acted on them?"

"Once. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to get out." I say with a shaky voice.

"What happened?"

"Uhm, Zayn left the band. Our label and management went harder on us, you know, made us record one last album to hold us to our contract. I've talked about this. Touring, recording songs after shows. We were in Belfast about to go up on stage. Everyone was a mess. Liam was too drunk to even stand up straight and Niall had a panic attack. Ehm..." I don't like having to recall that night.

"Go on."

"I was in a really dark place. Had been for a while. Tried to slit my wrist. These bracelets aren't just a fashion statement." I say and shake my wrist.

"And?"

"Louis found me and lost it. He punched our manager when he hesitated to call an ambulance. I ended up at the hospital and they patched me together. I hadn't cut that deep anyway. That's the only show we ever canceled. Anyway, we headed to our next show and that was that." I exhale as soon as I finish.

"Do you regret it?"

"Of course I do. I'm very happy to be alive." I try to reassure her.

We stare at each other. Time's up!