Is It Worth It?

February 10, 2016

I'm in a bad mood when I step into her office. I have a lot on my mind. I take a seat. Impatiently drumming my fingers against my knee. Before she even opens her mouth I blurt out.
"He has a new girlfriend!"

She looks confused.
"Who has a new girlfriend."

"Louis." I huff.

She looks even more confused.
"A stunt girlfriend."

"Ah. How do you feel about that?"

"I'm fucking annoyed! Why do they spring this on us now? He just had a baby for fucks sake!" I say. I'm upset.

"Louis?"

"Yes!" Keep up, girl!

"Okay, I need you to explain this to me."

"Our management came up with the idea that Louis had to become a dad so the rumors about us being a couple would go away forever." I explain impatiently.

"Is he the father?"

"Yeah." I have mixed feelings about it.

"How? I mean..."

I can see that she's shocked.
"Insemination."

"Alright. How do you feel about that?"

I shrug my shoulders. The kid is adorable and he's Louis'.
"So he agreed to it?"

"It wasn't as if he had much of a choice." I mutter. Then I feel bad for the kid. "He's happy about it."

"And you?"

"What do you mean? I'm happy for Louis' sake." I reply and I mean it.

"The two of you are in a serious relationship. Has been for the past five years. Having a child is a decision between partners. What is your role?"

"Louis is the dad." I say.

"Are you also a dad? A stepdad? A bystander in this child's life? Have you talked about any of this?"

"Yes and no." I sigh.

"Meaning?"

"We have talked about it in general terms and how we're not gonna let it change what we have." I say and bite my lower lip.

"Do you live together?"

"Yeah." Of course we do.

"Do you wanna be a part of this child's life?"

I hesitate and immediately feel ashamed of myself. It's an innocent child. A part of Louis.
"Yes."

I meant it. That's a relief.

"Will you resent the child or do you think you will be able to love the child?"

"I would never resent him!" I immediately argue.

"I'm glad to hear that. What role does your partner want you to have in this child's life?"

"Uhm, I'm not exactly sure." I say sheepishly. My focus has been on Louis' well-being in all of this.

"Well, I can't stress this enough. You need to talk to him about it. The two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation."

I know she's right. I've been avoiding it. I think I'm scared to hear what he has to say. What if I don't have a place in this child's life? What would that mean to us?
"Yeah."

"Has he had stunt girlfriends before?"

"We both have. His public image is the serious relationship kind of guy. Me? Well, let's just say that I've "dated" a lot of girls." I say with a trace of bitterness in my voice. I despise my public womanizer image that has been forced upon me.

"I see."

You only see what I allow you to see. She looks at me.
"Harry, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Things you shouldn't have to deal with at your age. Do you feel like you have control of your own life?"

I just laugh and shake my head.

"Is it worth it?"

Is it? I'm not so sure about that anymore. The price I have to pay to do what I used to love is too high. Should I just quit? Walk away from music? I don't know.

"In all of this, do you know who you are?"

I stare her dead in the eye.
"No."