Is It Worth It?

March 23, 2016

"How do you think your suicide attempt has affected your partner?"

"He just recently stopped staring at me when I'm asleep. Therapy was his idea initially. I know how much he worries about me and how much I've hurt him." I say emotionally. Seeing Louis watching me with worried eyes breaks my heart. It's like he hasn't relaxed one second after that awful night.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Awful. Absolutely heartbroken. I don't think he really trusts me anymore and I don't blame him. I was willing to leave him." I struggle to hold back my tears.

"Is that how he sees it or is that how you see it?"

"He hasn't said anything but if it had been the other way around, that's how I would feel. That I wasn't enough." I say. Scratch my nose and wipe away a tear that makes a break for it.

"Have you forgiven yourself?"

"No. I don't think I ever will. I was weak." I snort.

"I don't think there's a weak or strong view on mental illness or suicide attempt. Cut yourself some slack. Considering the situation you were in, the pressure, the abuse. You've been fighting that Battle for five years. So what that you for a second felt like you wanted to give up. That's not a weakness, Harry. You're a fighter."

Her words make me feel so much better. I smile at her.
"Thank you."

"You and Louis will get through this. Talk to him. Open up. Communication is the key to any relationship."

I grimace.
"We've never been good at communication. I think we're both too scared to hurt each other's feelings."

"I'm gonna give you some tips for a healthy communication. First of all, you have to process your own feelings. If you begin a conversation while you're angry or upset you'll end up arguing. Secondly, timing. If you have something important to discuss you can give him a heads-up. If your partner knows that you'd like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided with a heated debate."

"If Louis told me that he wanted to discuss something later I would worry the whole day, thinking it would be something really bad. We need to talk is a classic beginning of a breakup speech." I point out.

"Share these steps with him. Then you both know it's not a breakup speech."

"Yeah, okay. I can do that." I agree.

"This is the most important one. Express your feelings with I statement. Instead of pointing fingers and telling him you did this or that, say I feel, I think. When people aren't directly accused of something there's a much bigger chance they actually listen instead of becoming defensive."

"Cool. I'll definitely try that." I smile.

"You have to give each other time to respond as well and listen until you can come to an agreement."

"Okay. I'll definitely try this approach." I promise.