Is It Worth It?

February 17, 2016

"We've talked about it." I announce as soon as I step into her office.

She smiles at me and gestures for me to take a seat. I sink down.

"And?"

"He wants him to be my kid too." I say. Louis and I had a long conversation about it. It had been scary to bring it up. He had gotten upset. Louis thought that I knew how he felt about it all along.

"How do you feel about that?"

How do I feel about it? So much is going on that I haven't had the time to sort out my feelings.
"I don't know. Happy? Scared. I mean, I'm only 22. I've always wanted kids but maybe not yet, you know?"

"Have you talked about having kids in the future?"

"Of course, but maybe not seriously. We have just established that we both want kids. Maybe not like this? I always thought we would do that together. You know adopt or find a surrogate. We won't be able to see him that much. He lives in the States." I say thoughtfully.

"It's okay to be disappointed, Harry."

"No, it's not!" I protest fiercely.

"You had a dream, a life plan. That changed."

"So what? Dreams change all the time and plans change. That's life." I argue upset. I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair.

"True. Do you feel like Louis cheated on you?"

"What? No! It's not like he went out and slept with someone. He didn't do this. It was done to him. To us." I immediately reply.

"Of course not, but he agreed to it."

"You clearly don't understand how this industry works." I snort. I'm offended on Louis' behalf.

"No, not fully but I'm beginning to understand your trauma."

I'm taken aback by that. What is she talking about?
"My trauma?"

"Harry, you've been sexualized and psychologically abused since the age of sixteen. A child! Of course, it's a trauma."

My mouth falls open.
"Woah! Abused? You're taking this too far."

"I don't think so. Just hear me out. When someone is in an abusive relationship with a partner..."

"Louis would never abuse me! Physically or mentally!" I interrupt her. I'm getting really upset.

"I'm not talking about Louis. Your abusive partner in this case is your label and your management."

"Oh." That makes more sense. I'm still uncomfortable though.

"Signs of psychological abuse is a constant critique. As I understand it they have made you a brand and you have to fit their notion of a flirtatious popstar. Isolation from your friends and families is another sign. You told me that you've been working nonstop for the past five years. Manipulation, or gaslighting. If they have for example promised you that you will be able to come out in a month, a year, or whatever timeframe you both agreed on and when you reach that date they say that they never promised you that. That you made it up. That's gaslighting. If they've threatened you or blackmailed you to agree to something, that's also psychological abuse."

I just stare at her. I've never thought about it like that.
"Shit!"

"So I'm asking again, is it really worth it? Giving up your freedom and who you are for an industry that's abusing you?"

"It's not that simple." I mumble. I'm emotionally drained.