Is It Worth It?

March 9, 2016

"How have you been?"

"Okay. I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with my life." I say lightly as if it's not a big fucking deal. I've never felt more vulnerable. If I stop singing, who am I then?

"Are you not pursuing a solo career?"

"I don't know. Your words are kind of stuck in my head. Is it worth it?" I smirk to take the edge off.

"That's for you to decide. First I think you have to decide how you want that career to look like. What are your goals and how will you reach them?"

"Easier said than done." I grunt and rub my hands over my face. I get stuck in my hair and push it out of the way. I should really get a haircut.

"I think this is the time when you can use your fame as leverage. You can regain some control."

"How?" I sigh.

"You're not a kid anymore. Make demands. Figure out what you want and negotiate your terms. Hire a really good lawyer to read any contract you're about to sign."

"That's a good idea." I smile.

"To know what you want you first need to know who you are."

"Right." I chuckle.

"When and where do you feel like you can be yourself?"

"When I'm around my family. When I'm with Louis and also, when I'm on stage." I reply.

"Find your strength among your family and partner. Close your eyes."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Just humor me."

I lean back and close my eyes.
"Picture yourself on stage as a solo artist. What are you wearing?"

"Something sparkly and colorful." I reply instantly.

"Why is that?"

"Any time you're putting barriers up in your own life, you're just limiting yourself. There's so much joy to be had in playing with clothes." I try to explain.

"Alright, so you like to express yourself in what you wear. Is that something you have been able to do in your career so far?"

"Not really. We have stylists and a certain look for the year. I've had some say in it but not as much as I'd like. I had to keep a certain image." I answer.

"Alright, well, there's something you can negotiate about, the freedom to wear what you want on stage."

That possibility excites me.
"Do you really think I could do that?"

"Of course."

"That would be amazing." I say dreamily.

"Make it happen. Take control. Close your eyes again."

I do as I'm told.

"How is the atmosphere in your concerts? How do you want the fans to feel attending one of your future shows?"

"I want them to feel loved and accepted no matter what. I want them to feel included and seen." I answer and it makes me cringe a little.

"You can create that and I'm sure you already did that while you were in the band. No management or label can take that away from you. You are the ringmaster of your own shows."

Damn right I am!