The Re-search

Chapter 6

I washed my hands and walked back into the room, finding Hasani waiting anxiously on the edge of the bed. I sat next to him and held out the test. "Here. I can't look."

"Mpenzi, it's positive." Hasani whispered after taking a few seconds to look, his hand rubbing my back.

With a pounding heart, I took the test from him. Sure enough, right there on the tiny screen was a plus sign that clearly said I was pregnant. My heart sank, mouth drying up as fear shot through me. I suddenly felt too hot, my chest tightening with anxiety, my ears ringing.

"Hasani," I said, rubbing my chest and trying to catch a breath, "I can't breathe."

I could faintly hear him telling me to take deep breaths as I doubled over, my chest now heaving, eyes shut tightly to will away a strong wave of dizziness. Sani covered me in a tight hug that somehow helped my body regain stability as I focused on the firm hold of his arms around me.

"Nella," I heard him say, "you're okay. I know this is scary, but you need to breathe. You're okay, baby. I'm here."

I held on to those words as I breathed more easily, the tightness in my chest dissipating. Hasani held me for many minutes without saying anything as I just sat staring at the test in my hand.

"I can't believe this." I said, breaking the silence. "I'm not ready for this."

"Do you mean that, or are you letting your fear talk?" he asked softly, his concerned eyes searching mine for the answer to his question.

"I don't know." I said. "All I know is how I'm feeling right now and it's not a good feeling. It's just too soon."

Hasani clasped my hand in his and kissed my forehead, not saying anything else. Part of me felt horrible for reacting so negatively to this pregnancy. His face had looked so hopeful when I returned from the bathroom with the test in hand, I knew that somewhere inside, he was probably excited that there was now a chance for us to have a child. I didn't want to dull his excitement with my fears, but I couldn't pretend to be over the moon when I was so afraid of the possibilities that lay ahead of us.

"Baby..." he said, breaking into the stream of thoughts flowing through my mind. "I understand your fears. I'm afraid, too, terrified, but this is a blessing. We need to be a little more positive, have a little faith."

"I want to." I said pleadingly. "I really want to, but... I can't lose another baby, Sani."

"I understand." he said, squeezing my hand. "Our loss is heavy and heartbreaking, and I know it's not easy to move past it, but what if you carry this baby full-term? What if, months from now, this baby will come out of you alive and well? You wouldn't want the loss of our first baby to constantly hang over this baby's life, would you?"

"Of course not." I sniffled. "But right now, that failed pregnancy is the only thing I know about being pregnant. How do I just ignore that and enjoy this?"