The Re-search

Chapter 12

Our new house was a beautiful, rectangular double storey with a sophisticated exterior design and many windows to let the sun in. In the lush backyard was a patio that I was obsessed with, a pool on one side of the house, and a pool house complete with two showers, a fully functional kitchen, and a lounge area.

Moving in had brought a strong sense of peace and so much to look forward to, a fresh start. I sat outside on one of the comfortable, cushioned chairs in the patio, my body wrapped up in a thick blanket as I drank tea and spent time with my unborn baby.

I'd gone from desperately trying not to get attached to the life growing inside of me to fully embracing it, taking the time to connect with my baby, show him or her love every day. Twenty-two weeks into the pregnancy and I'd finally started buying clothes, bottles, blankets, diapers, and the like. All in neutral colours because we still didn't know if it was a girl or boy. Hasani was sure it was a girl, but I had a feeling we were having a baby boy.

I'd even made strides on social media, having posted a video titled We're having a baby!, in which Hasani and I talked about the pregnancy, about what we lost, and the complicated journey to healing. The support from the video was insane, with many of the subscribers that had been watching from the very beginning congratulating us and wishing us the best going forward. A few negative comments unsurprisingly managed to sneak into all the positivity, but Hasani's legal team was on it in seconds, flagging each account and making note of the repeat offenders. I was quick to block anyone who had something bad to say from commenting further, not wanting anything to cause me stress unnecessarily.

There were a few women who sadly related to our story, having either lost a child or having difficulty conceiving. For each of those ladies I did a special giveaway; a trip to the spa and a voucher for each of them to spoil themselves a little. I knew not everyone would be fortunate enough to have a man like Hasani to take them on trips and love them to a better place, so I hoped my gesture would help them take some of the load off.

As I sat there reflecting on life as it was now, Hasani walked out of the house, his handsome face immediately spreading into a smile when his eyes landed on me.

"So, the re-search has been a success." he said, sitting beside me and immediately stretching out his hand to rub my belly.

I smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Yes, it has. Thank you, husband. Nakupenda sana, mpenzi wangu."

"Na mimi nakupenda sana sana, mke wangu mtamu." Hasani said, his smile even bigger. "Go get ready, we've got one last trip down memory lane to seal the deal."

"Ooouu, you ain't gotta tell me twice!" I said, getting up quickly and giving him a passionate smooch before making my way back inside.

***

We were at the Takondwa Fashion House and Nella had been beaming from the moment I pulled out two pairs of white Nike AF1s in the parking lot, the sweet memory of us first coming here and painting shoes side by side putting a permanent smile on her face.

"What's the smallest size in stock?" Nella asked the guy manning the counter in the shoe customisation room as he handed us our aprons for the session.

The guy held out a tiny pair of sneakers and I held my breath as I watched Nella hesitate for half a second before she pulled her wallet from her bag and bought the shoes, her eyes sparkling with tears.

"Are you sure about this, baby?" I asked her when we got to our customisation station and caught her just staring at the tiny shoes. "I don't want you to overwhelm yourself."

"I'm sure. I'm just setting an intention."

"An intention?"

Nella nodded and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"Do you remember when Koffi came up with that beautiful balloon memorial for the babies we lost?" she asked, rendering the wiping she did seconds ago pointless with the new tears that streamed down her face.

I got up and hugged her. "Of course I remember."

"That intention to say goodbye to our baby girl and their baby boy, it hurt. It was heavy, but it also somehow softened the blow and gave me a good memory to hold onto."

"I hear that..." I said, encouraging her to continue.

"I want us to paint these shoes together as a symbol of ushering our baby into the world." she said, clearing up my confusion. "Sometimes, I'm still overcome with the fear that we'll wake up one day and hear those horrible words again, no heartbeat. It's a rational fear, but it's not one I want to hold onto for the rest of this pregnancy. This baby feels like an answered prayer. A promise. I want us both to be joyful and expectant. I think this will be a good way to really move into preparing for the baby's arrival without fearing the worst."

"I think so, too." I said through my own tears and we stayed locked in that embrace for a few minutes before composing ourselves and getting started on our baby's shoes.

We painted the shoes a baby blue shade and then we got into the design we spontaneously came up with together. Nella sketched an adorable elephant calf's head onto the front of the right shoe while I sketched a cute baby gorilla on the front of the other. We painted the animals in and when we were satisfied with the results, I picked out reassuring Bible verses for Nella to write all over the shoes in her pretty handwriting. We also added some clouds in the shape of hearts and painted the shoelaces in pastel colours to form a rainbow pattern. The end result was adorable and our baby officially had one-of-a-kind shoes to show off.

As for our own pairs of shoes, Nella's was simple but cute with ombre pink and lavender tulips everywhere. On the left shoe, she wrote her favourite line of my wedding vows to her, "I promise to love you every second of every minute for the rest of our lives," and on the right she inscribed the date of our wedding day.

I painted portions of my shoes black and splattered white paint to make a cluster of stars, and then added a moon and a few bigger stars to imitate Musomi's stunning starry nights, which we both loved. I copied her and wrote my favourite line from her vows, "I love you from the depths of my soul, Sani," and inscribed our wedding date on my other shoe as well.

All three pairs of shoes looked cool together and the baby's shoes had me anxious for the next few months to go by as quickly as possible. I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms for the first time.

~~~

Swahili translation:

Nakupenda sana, mpenzi wangu. ~ I love you so much, my love.

Na mimi nakupenda sana sana, mke wangu mtamu. ~ And I love you very, very much, my sweet wife.