Invisible string (lestappen)

Chapter 18 : Max

I wake up with the worst headache I've ever had in my life. If only that was an exaggeration.

What the fuck happened last night ?

I rub my eyes lazily while trying to recollect everything. It's all pretty vague. I remember meeting that girl when I was waiting for the drinks at the bar. What was her name again ? I try to look through my memory but nothing comes up. Lila ? Or was it Malia ?

I sigh.

It's not the most important question I have at the moment anyway. The following is how the hell did I get back home ? I don't need to check to know that I was for sure not in a state where I could drive. Maybe I should ask my friends directly.

I take my phone on my nightstand to type Lando's number. Not expecting to see already four missed calls from him among others from Carlos. Fuck. Why did they harass me like that ? I pray deep down that nothing bad happened.

The phone only rings twice until Lando answers.

'Max ?!'

The panic in his voice makes me sweat even more.

'Yes ?'

'What the fuck happened to you ? We called you a thousand times !', he starts complaining.

'We thought you might be dead or something'

I frown.

'I could ask you the same thing. What happened yesterday ? I don't even remember how I got home'

Lando starts laughing. Obviously more relaxed than a few seconds ago.

'No shit, I've never seen you drink that much before'

I've never gone out one hour after getting dumped either, I almost want to say.

'I know, I'm stupid. I wanted to forget about my problems for a while but now my headache makes me regret that decision'

'Just drink water and you'll be fine. And for your previous question, I'm not sure how you got home either but I think you should probably ask Charles'

Charles.

Like his name was the trigger my memory desperately needed, I suddenly recall one very tiny non-insignificant detail.

We kissed.

Or I kissed him like the idiot that I am and he... reciprocated it ? I focus to make sure this is not just my wild imagination. Because in which reality would that happen ?

In this one apparently, because the images now playing in my mind are way too real to be just imaginary. The taste of his lips, the feeling of his body pressing onto mine, of his fucking erection.

Jesus.

I touch my lips absently. Nothing has ever felt as real as this. This was just... I don't even know how to describe it with words. Unexpected ? Exciting ? Hot ?

The stupidest thing I've ever done in my life ?

Because what the hell happened in my brain for me to do such a thing ? It's like I just lost all control when I looked at his lips. So close and fucking tempting. He probably thinks I was just drunk, but if I'm being fully honest, the journey made my alcohol level drop significantly. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't sober. No, definitely not. But I did know what I was doing. I was aware it was Charles. And yet, I still did it.

The meaning of that fact scaring the shit out of me.

'You're still there ?'

I realize I haven't responded to Lando in a longer time than socially acceptable. Distracted by the memories of what happened with Charles.

'Yeah, I am. Sorry. Hmm, I'll ask him'

Lie. I won't. Actually, I'm planning on avoiding him for the next few years. Just in case. Saving myself from the embarrassment of facing what I did.

'Okay... Well, I have to go but I'm glad you're okay'

I smile.

'Thank you, talk to you soon'

'Yep'

He ends the call while I stare at the huge wall facing me on the opposite side of the room distractingly.

Seriously considering the idea of moving out to Australia. As far away from here as physically possible.

•••

Charles is ignoring me.

More precisely, we've both been ignoring each other for the past few days. No texts. No exchange. Nothing. Not that we usually do text each other but we always somehow get to see one another or talk. Whether it's in a press conference, after a race, or before a podium.

But not this time.

I came back to Monaco earlier this week since there's no race coming up soon. Taking time for myself, doing sport and a bit of sim-racing. Basically, trying my best to stay distracted to not think about Kelly or Charles. Which has been way more challenging than I thought.

Kelly came two days ago to my apartment to take all of her stuff back. It was a bit awkward at first, since I didn't really know what to tell her or how to act. Not quite sure if she hated me or not. Turns out she doesn't. I mean she didn't jump in my arms or anything but we were able to small talk without anyone going at the other's throat. That's all I'm asking for really. She's still someone I genuinely care about and who was there for me when I needed it. It would hurt me to think we ended on bad terms.

After her visit, I felt a feeling of relief. We aren't together anymore. It's sad but I also know that it needed to happen. We weren't meant to be together and it'd be unfair of me to prevent her from finding someone who'll make her happier than I ever could. Holding on to that thought helped me move on. Slowly but surely. Thinking about her less and less as the days went by.

My mind was way too busy reminiscing about a certain event that occurred in my hotel room after the party in Qatar.

I can't help wondering what and how he's doing. And I might have gone on his instagram profile to see if I could get any clues to answer those questions. The only thing I found out, through a picture with his friends he posted, is that he's currently in Monaco too. Only a few tiny kilometers away from me.

It's torture.

I thought about calling him, but what would I even say ? Hey, I'm sorry I kissed you I didn't know what I was doing so let's be friends again ? Not only would that be a complete lie, but it would also be the most embarrassing thing I could do. I'm probably the last person he wants to talk to right now. I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me for pulling that move on him. And I wouldn't blame him. I kissed him without his consent, possibly ruining our friendship for good this time.

The idea of Charles not talking to me ever again makes my heart tighter. I know that feeling. I've felt it more than once years ago. After that famous day when we almost got into a physical fight in the locker room. If you can even call it that. Because it felt nothing like it, quite the opposite actually. There was a lot of tension in the air, but definitely not from hatred or anger. Even though, I really was angry. It's like whatever I originally felt turned into something else entirely. Something so scary and suffocating I never wanted to feel it again.

So I acted like I always do. I pretended like it never happened. Ignoring him for weeks, avoiding having to even talk to him. I thought it was for the best at first, that it'd make me forget all about it and move on. It did the opposite.

Instead, I found myself thinking about that moment constantly. Wondering why having him so close to me made me feel like that ? And why I didn't hate it at all ?

And here I am again. Ten years later, with the same old questions torturing my mind.

But the most important one now is, why did I want to do kiss him again ?