Invisible string (lestappen)

Chapter 22 : Max

More than a week later, I still can't get that conversation out of my head. I'm so stupid. I don't even know what I was about to tell him before he started spitting his venom at me. That I liked it ? That I wouldn't mind kissing him again ?

What the fuck is wrong with me ?

I'm so selfish. I didn't even think for a second about how that affected him. He has a girlfriend. And as much as I'd like to remove that information from my memory, I can't keep ignoring it anymore. I have to respect it. I can't even imagine how she reacted. She probably hates me. That makes two of us.

So what ? I enjoyed kissing him. I like the feeling of a guy's lips on mine. And I might be starting to come up with the fact that I'm attracted to him. Or men in general. No big deal.

I recall my conversation with Daniel on the plane weeks ago. What he said that day. You'll understand soon enough. As long as you follow your heart and be honest with yourself, everything will work out just fine. Is that what he meant ? Did he just know all along that I was lying to myself ? Probably.

Definitely.

I was so blind to so many signs. All those years where I felt like something was wrong with me. Where I wondered why I didn't feel the desire to be with any girl. I blamed it on my need to stay focused on racing and nothing else. Now, I wonder if it wasn't just the fact that I was never attracted to them in the first place. Did I think they were beautiful ? Yes. But did I want to kiss them the way I was dying to kiss Charles that night ? Not even close.

I thought about Kelly. But not for the same reasons I used to. No, I thought about our breakup. About how I didn't have any explanation for what I was feeling. To why I just didn't feel anything special for her despite how amazing she is. Everything makes so much more sense now. It's still hard to come to terms with my sexuality, but I can't deny the obvious.

I don't like girls.

No, instead my stupid self decided to be into brown-haired annoyingly beautiful guys with dimples who hate me. A bit specific, I know.

We haven't talked since the padel competition. Okay, we may have talked at the Austin grand prix this weekend but it didn't even feel like it. He just briefly congratulated me on the win when we crossed paths. Probably just for the cameras. How terrible would it be if people thought we hated each other all over again, right ? He didn't even look that happy to see me. Forcing a smile and a quick handshake. No joke, no sarcastic comment. Nothing.

Is this how it's going to be from now on ? Acting like we haven't known each other forever ? I accepted his handshake with the same awkward expression. I had so much to tell him and yet all I managed to say at that moment was 'I'm sorry for your DNF'. He whispered a thank you before leaving to go to the ferrari garage. I went in the other direction to the redbull accommodation, ignoring how heavy my heart felt.

Once I arrived in the meeting room, I took a seat with a sigh. I had only one desire, to go home and call it a day but I didn't have much of a choice.

We talked about everything that happened. Good or bad. Reflecting on the strategy we went for, on what we could've done better while watching small clips of the race. I was pretty much focused until one image caught my attention. It showed the moment when Charles had to retire. My eyes fixated on the screen, I watched him angrily walk back to the garage. Disappointment emanated from every part of him. I couldn't understand how he felt more than I did. Having to quit a race is probably the most helpless feeling for an f1 driver, even more so when it's due to technical issues and not your own mistake.

The video cuts to another sequence of him hugging Alexandra. I swallow hard. He planted a soft kiss on her lips before moving to talk to his engineer. I stand still. The moment lasted probably a second. The screen was already showing other sequences of the race. Yet, I still found myself replaying it in my mind after. How could I not ? There was Charles. With Alexandra. Smiling at her, for the first time since he got out of his car.

I mean how could he sit there, and laugh and look so beautiful ?

It hurt. When he told me she knew about the kiss, I thought maybe they were going to break up. But the images don't lie. He loves her. She makes him happy in a way I never could. They belong together. That was the hard truth I needed to accept.

And I will. Eventually. As a start I decided I was going to leave him alone for good. I'd hate myself forever if I was the reason he wasn't with the person he loves. He deserves to be happy.

With her.

•••

It's race day again. Time really does fly. It almost feels like the beginning of the season was yesterday but here we are, already in Mexico. With only three races left in the calendar after that. I make a silent promise to myself to savor it more than usual. Enjoy it to the fullest despite the bad qualifying I did yesterday. The two ferrari boys managed to secure the front row while I ended up p3. It could've been worse so I'm not that fussed about it. I still plan on getting that win.

The fact that Charles is the one who ended up getting pole also makes it less painful. I can't help but feel happy for him, he deserved it. And the idea of getting another battle with him on track almost makes me want to fail my qualifying more often.

Almost.

A few corners, pit stops, and overtaking later. I win the Mexican grand prix. And what a good feeling it is. Getting on top once again despite everything that's been thrown at me. I couldn't be happier. I get out of my car to go celebrate with the team, congratulating Lewis and Charles on my way there. The smile the second one offers me, makes my joy grow even bigger. He seems happy. Probably about his podium but also... for me ? I don't know, either way, I'm glad he didn't seem as unpleased to talk to me as he was last weekend.

After celebrating and finishing the interviews, the three of us head for the cooldown room to wait for the podium. I'm starting to get used to going there but the feeling of excitement and pride never seems to go away. Every win is special. I could never get bored of it, it only makes me hungrier for more.

I sit in my designed chair next to Lewis, already sipping on his drink while staring at the screen displaying the race highlights. We talk for a little while about what we see in the images and generally about how the race went. It's one of my favorite thing to do in formula 1. Debrief with the other drivers, and talk about our different perspectives. It always fascinates me to find out their point of view on certain events that occurred.

After a few minutes of conversation, I realize Charles still hasn't joined us. Where the hell is he ? I look through the door discretely and like he could hear my thoughts, he appears a few seconds later. He enters the room panting like he just ran a marathon.

I frown at him.

'Are you okay ?'

He takes a moment to catch his breath.

'Yeah, I just got delayed by the team but it's all good'

I nod reassured. He scared me for a good second there.

Charles takes his seat next to me while staring at the screen. And that's pretty much all he did before we were called to go on the podium. Not much talking occurred. Maybe what happened earlier really was only because of his podium finish after all.

As I'm waiting to get the confirmation to go on the podium, my heart starts beating faster. I'm still amazed by my ability to still get nervous over something I do almost every race. It should be mandatory at this point. But even if I act like it's nothing, the idea of so many people staring at me still makes me shake a little more than usual.

'You're good to go'

I nod at the FIA member before walking to join Charles and Lewis.

Here we go.