Bloom Again

CHAPTER 11

I'm sorry

Kitsu and Akina make weekly visits to Eos' grave. They ask me everytime if I want to go, but I can't. Going there means admitting she's gone. I don't want to lose her, because it feels like giving more of myself up, and I still feel her presence every now and then, watching me, reminding me. I'm too scared of what will happen when she disappears for good. I'm scared of life without her, and her grave makes me feel like she's gone. Yet her presence still guards me, so she isn't gone yet. I'm trying to hold on to what I have left of her, even if Kitsu's face hardens when I say no, and Akina's face morphs into confusion. Week after week, I can't bring myself to ever go to her grave. It feels like my heart is wrenched out of my body, and I'm slowly being forced to eat it. I'm eating my emotions, and closeting myself, while still trying to take care of the girls. I'm on the edge of a cliff, and some days I'm falling, as if I can land safely in Eos' arms, and other days, I'm climbing it, like I'll die if I don't. Like an erupting volcano, or a tidal wave, my grief is devouring me. I'm drowning, and Hahaoya won't hear anything about it. She knows what I'm doing, but all she does is look at me, and sigh. Beg me to go see Eos again, and pay respects. I can't bring myself to. Eos is there beside me, shaking her head, and begging me to listen to Hahaoya and visit her grave even once. I just can't. It feels like losing her all over again, and I can't. I've already lost her once, I don't want it to happen again. Every day, Kitsu and Akina fold six more tulips, and the pile seems to be diminishing so fast that I can't keep track of what she writes. They seem to notice it too, for they are slowly stopping folding quickly and doing it slower and less and less each week. It feels as if Eos' memories are slowly fading away from my reach.