Game Theory!

How Batman BEATS Superman

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Batman Vs Superman? Uhhhhh, let's see. Superman can lift a truck, fly, and shoot laser beams out of his eyes all at the same time. Batman... has ice skates. Case closed? Not by a long shot! Get ready to put your money on Batman.  

Hello, Internet! Welcome to Film Theory! Where today we're looking at the most absurd mashup of 2016. No, I'm not talking about the election. We're talking about Batman versus Superman. Now, I'm sure I wasn't the only one to the title "Batman V Superman" and just start laughing. I mean, seriously, how can anyone, let alone a regular human, beat an all-powerful alien with a seemingly limitless set of abilities? Even Screw Attack's Death Battle concluded that anime's number one hero, Goku, an unstoppable fighting machine able to fuse with other fighters, channel the energy of the entire universe, and literally become a god would lose in a fight against the all-American hero, and they came to that same result not once, but twice. Nothing beats that, so what chance does Batman... Batman, have in a battle like that? Forget "Batman V Superman", a more accurate title would be "Superman Winz Da End". There, I just saved ya 20 bucks on movie tickets, your welcome.

But hold on. Before you go out and spend that money to see Deadpool a sixth time, what if I told you that despite the odds, Batman, with the help of some science, could very easily win this fight? That's right, I'm putting all my money on the old, emotionally unstable guy in a leather costume and ridiculous voice. "If we believe that there is even a one percent chance that he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty." And no, we're not talking about kryptonite. Everyone knows that that magical rock is Superman's only weakness. Exposed to kryptonite, Superman crumbles faster than a moviegoer watching Gigli, but we are making this a fair and realistic fight, no kryptonite involved.

Like in a previous chapter that I didn't feel like writing when we killed off Deadpool (Sorry not sorry, lmao), I'm gonna figure out a tangible, scientifically accurate way that Bruce Wayne, as a normal human, could defeat an unstoppable alien comic book figure. So, where do we start? Well, in the words of Sun Tzu, "Know the enemy," which means we need to know what makes Superman so super. Since we're talking about the "Batman V Superman" Superman, we have to go by the explanation provided to us by the Man of Steel. As we learn from the hologram Russel Crowe in the movie, he's not innately powerful. It's Earth that gives him all his amazing abilities. "He'll be a god to them." In fact, on Krypton, his homeworld, Superman wouldn't have any powers at all. Superman gains his powers on Earth through the planet's weakened gravity and its stronger sun relative to Krypton. "Earth's Sun is younger and brighter than Krypton's was, your cells have drunk in its radiation. Earth's gravity is weaker, yet its atmosphere is more nourishing."

Now, you're probably thinking that's pretty silly. There's no way the Sun and gravity can rationally explain a man's ability to fly and lift up an airplane, but it kinda can. If Krypton has a much heavier gravity than Earth, an alien coming from Superman's home planet could lift objects no human could. This is because a Kryptonian's muscles would have adapted to the heavier gravity of Krypton. Think of an astronaut on the moon. The moon has a gravity roughly equal to ⅙  that of Earth's. Since the mass of an object is constant, if you weigh 200 lbs on Earth, and you go to the moon, you'll weigh ⅙ of that, approximately 33 pounds.  This is why astronauts can so easily jump around on the moon's surface, even when carrying hundreds of pounds of equipment, and that brings us to my next point, the change in gravity also affects how much a person could conceivably lift.