In Gods Hands

Chapter Twelve

Summer was the only one is was nice to and happy around. Increasingly, i grew bitter towards other people. I fought over self-blame, and i took a revenge like status for treating everybody else with the same inaqunowledgement and with as little care or love that they had given her... i spent my days indoors and stayed in silence most of the time with any sudden sound from outside startling me.... the only sound was the disney music from the films and childrens nursery rymes, and Summers laughing and adorable squeaking. So I studied masters degreed and even more higher qualifications online with seminars and exams costing thousands upon thousands of euros and taking between 6 to 8 months to complete, but this was worth it to me, and i studies a veriety, thinking if i couldn't have saved her, i could at least save others or save my daughter if at all she suffered the same... and if i was to help others, i'd have to like them... but the only one i liked or loved for a long time was my own little baby girl... she was my Angel.

mealtime, smokes.

Little did I know... she would be my Angel who turned me back to love, for i had locked my love away, which i didn't find out until i read lorna byrnes books, which i'd never read before and hadn't heard of the author, but before i tell you about that event........... i will tell you that when walking out of the church i'd noticed and picked out a small piece of paper from Summers carseat.... she'd been given a Holy Bible to hold by yours sincerly while in service, just a small pocket Bible. but she'd ripped part of a page out and the Holy Bible had been left by my chair... i picked it up and it said these words exactly: "God makes what is Unseen Seen and what is Unheard heard."
.........Summer didn't speak until the day she began walking, and she didn't crawl but shuffled everywhere until she stood and i led her and she took her first few steps. Up until that day she had been a silent child... so silent, the nursery were converned about her development, and i'd poured over child development trying to prove to them that this wasn't unheard of, but quite normal for some children... I'd been speaking to her like an equal adult all her tiny life, and i'd been trying to teach her difficult vocabulary.
So, Summer was silent with me and with everybody... and then she took her first few steps, and sat down and just that second both at exactly the same time as each other, which was something i as a father can easily say made me feel SO proud of her: She spoke two words... and while they sank into my mind, she watched carefully with a cheeky little knowing smile on her face, and began prompty and suddenly to speak in full sentences and hold proper conversation with me. Those two words were: "Mummy... Angel." and her first full sentences were genuinely less revealing but nessessary: for milkshake, vanilla custard yoghurt - that is, 8 of them haha, and for me to read her a book, a fairytale book full of childrens stories, dragons, princes, princesses and witches, which i sneakily enjoyed as i enjoyed the disnew films and music, just as much as my daughter did, and sang let it go from Frozen together with her at the top of my lungs... all the time.
Still, not once did i play any other music or artist myself - i only ever listenined to what my daughter was. it bought back to ma sort of trauma that it hadn't healed or cured Kezia... and i didn feel it could mend or heal my broken heart, but would only cause me pain. The music in the shops on the radio didn't bother me as it was no such songs that kezia and I would listen to but modern day terrible stuff.... and it only irritated me how bad it was, to be honest, but one look at the smile on Summers face as I, yes I, would indeed buy her every packet of sweets or toy she asked for in the shops, and never suffered tantrums at all ever... this smile would make me happy and take any other bother completely away and out of my mind. There was just one thing missing... my true love.
Endlessly i searched the faces in the crowds for her, endlessly i searched empty chairs in cafes and resteraunts expecting to see her sitting there, and endlessly i watched my daughter in the hopes that she would reveal to me that she was there with me... i knew my daughter was looking at angels... there were constant signs to tell me this:
- random fits of laughing to something that had not been said or anything happened at the time, after she'd been looking up at a space ahead of her, and saying something in her mind..
- talking to somebody who i couldn't see, and also
- answering questions that i had not asked
- her pictures and paintings were constantly of angels, god and jesus, her and i, and she always drew... her mother.. as an Angel.
- putting out in tea play parties cups and food for others who she called by name and were people, not for teddies, indeed, she gave them each their own pet teddy...
- constantly looking up and not at the people she was speking to or .. never looking in their eyes... but beside them or above them or below them looking at thier bodies as if somebody was standing infront of them...
Now, Summer was in nursery, and this caused some concern, but it was in the end put down to simple childlike behavior and creative imagination, and Summer had easily about 50 friends from nursery, and i had the fun job of taking her to parties and socialising with other parents... and this was when i first learned to unlock the love that was locked inside.
Summer wanted her own party and i agreed wholeheartedly, openly and exitingly, and asked for a few friends to sleep over and dress up, but Summer got a while load of ren paper out and had already pre-coloured them all, and left a space on the back for my own picture and i was to write in the card the invitation, and i was to tell the parents of all 50 plus children from her school that they are welcome for the entire day in our house and i was ordered to write, "because i love you." to them all... and she said... "i mean it." i face almed and stressed as my 2-3 year old daughter stood over me ordering me to write love letters to them all and say the sweetest and dearest of things, and this was not from me, no the entire party was from her and she wanted to buy everyone presents too, but the love letter... had to be signed by name of each parent and thier children and signed with from ... myself... and she added, "I am very, very, very, very, very sowwy for not being your friend but now we are best friends!" and i had NO CHOICE but to write this!!! So I did,a dn after that party i was inundated with calls and texts and parents wishing well in every word and wanting to go out to have coffee and play golf, and my daughter nodded severely and said, "you promised them on my birthday... for me.." so i'd go, and gradually... i started to open up and try to trust and make some friends... that was the first step, and it was of course thanks to Summer.
The next thing that happened which all the cheeky and lovely sweet children knew about equally, but both had different approaches, was... Valentines day... and my Summer had one boy in mind, but didn't want any other boy to be upset or to cry... so she told them all she loved them and said who can make me so happy i will agree to marry him on day when we are older? just confirming.. this is all down to them, summer... "this is.... what boys are meant to do to get married. they have to make me the happiest i'ǜe ever been so happy all the time and they have to try really, really hard." and who is the boy you love the most who you are telling you will marry but don't tell the other boys or they'll cry, summer? " (thinking of a good answer.)
"he gave me already .. a posimatimbive po-Ta-To."
"what's a positive potato?"
and there it was....................... who knew that could win a girls heart over? beats my pick up line, "remember, daddy, to give everyone you love a posimative potato and make them so happy they will marry you. thats how. daddy. thats really, really how."
I simply held it in my hand and commented... "Squidgy."
.......... the next thing i know i really was on amazon buying all her childhood male friends positive potatoes from amazon... for a valentines present.
and her nursery held me in question... for a very long time... as it became a rave.
And this was True!!! When happened next was when she was 4 years old. The book shop.
ps. This is also true, completely true. Do you not believe me?
For the one boy who had made her happy... who she wanted to marry... she decided to buy something even more special: a puppy, but unfortunately she loved the little puppy so much that she decided to keep him herself and stubbornly refused to hand him away or over to the boy, which she told the boy and he broke up with her unless he handed over him the puppy which was looking up at theem both with the biggest most adorable foor with its poor out, begging and crying... and she in the end stopped liking the boy because she figured if he broke up with her because she wanted the puppy, he wasn't worthy of her time, i pointed out that she's done exactly the same thing to him, really, hadn't she and she simply says, "everybody knows the gentleman makes the wifes happy. thats his job." and she didn't blame herself, and of course, the woman was right. the lady.. was always right. if not, i would be without a puppy too. couldn't do that... his name was... Zac the puppy. Honestly. Now. How about that book shop.