my rantbook, in english

10.0

pffff

ya'll my mood is so random im gonna smash my head
anyways, i was mad at myself for eating today so i cut
not me thinking about that damn hot iron- like get that thing away from or next time i binge i'll do smt dumb
no but the thrills when i have it in my hands though

KKKKK

the day had started pretty well though, but yeah...
but i rlly don't understand like i had literally eaten only an apple, half a kiwi and some cheese and i was like "i fucked up" and then i felt bad
idk what the problem is tbh, and i keep changing my mind abt everything so that doesn't help

the thing is : i don't eat so i feel hungry ( which is the feeling i'm looking for since it makes me feel safe ) but then i think " well i'm hungry so it's legit to eat " and then i eat and i feel bad for eating

gosh that's hella dumb

am i this bored in my life-

i mean, i just want to reach 37kg ( don't try to understand i have a weird obsession with numbers and it went from the hour to my weight for some reason ) but i just stay at 38.4 so it makes me mad 💀💀
i had reached that point by fasting for two days ( i mean only eating dinner since i weight before dinner ) and then when i had that "binge week" (which didn't feel good) i had gone back to 38.9 ( that's freaking scary okay, one gram away to kms- sorry ) but yeah like if i could just go to 37 before the end of january i think there'd be no problem.. i mean let's say so 🫠👌

but the thing is, i don't wanna loose weight physically, like i don't find myself fat or whatever ( and being fat isn't a problem either as long as it doesn't affect your health ) like i'm tryna grow up, grow some boobs and stuff and i'm kinda scared of looking like a skelly and damaging my body, but i just really have this obsession with numbers

like i used to take every single of my decisions based on the hour ( like oh it's 11:11 that means i can do whatever i want it's gonna go right, or oh it's 13:57 i did smt wrong, literally i'd just read the numbers and calculate them etc... just to give them a meaning and take decisions ) and now idk i'm obsessed with the number on the scale
and since my brain thought " oh you got sick when you were 42kg, that means you have to go down " and idk, ig my brain does this so that it kinda feels "safe" but yeah that's just dumb ;-;

i think it's normal for humans ( or at least the anxious ones 💀 ) to always try to find a cause for everything eventho sometimes there's just nothing.
i think it's just my brain not wanting to accept that i got sick

so i got upset and stressed over food and weight
i was lacking motivation so i decided to spend a bit of time on the pr0 an4 tumblr and tbh i found it hella creepy, that was definetely not what i was searching for, but i just feel lonely in my dumbness so i keep visiting it bc idk, i wanna relate to someone eventho these girls are clearly sick and they all have body issues when i don't ;-;;

like dude i just got randomly super obsessed with food bc i threw up for no reason at some point a few months ago and it literally fucked up my whole "new" life, like i had kinda forgot abt all the shit that had happened last year and i was super happy, productive, motivated etc... AND THEN THAT RANDOM SHIT HAPPENED and now i'm back to being tired and frustrated and doing dumb unhealthy stuff ;-;;

why 💀💀

i'm confident i'll get better in summer though
but then the question is : will i relapse every winter ?
like idk but i was very anxious abt autumn and winter coming bc i knew it would make my mood go down and i was kind of aware that i would possibly relapse, but yeah i just rlly thought i was tougher than that, especially for sh i really thought i was done with this shit but apparently not

so yeah, idk what to think about this and i feel kinda stuck in that bad uhm... yeah idk how to call it but it's like a fog of shitty stuff and thoughts and i don't remember how to get out of it

i think last year i had just started thinking positive and that's how i got better
i started believing in myself kinda and stopped relaying on "chance" but since my freaking worst fear happened to me i think my ego got kinda... shut down or smt

and it traumatized me kinda bad so yeah i don't know how to fix it

i thought abt going back to therapy but that would mean explaning the whole thing to my parents and i don't feel like doing that shit ;-;; maybe i should though, bc right now 37kg is a goal weight, but last year it was my signal to ask for help

like i remember that one panic attack where i was feeling like i had eaten too much and i was into that " i'm never gonna eat again " way of thinking, and then i just realized that yeah, not eating correctly involves weight loss and i thought " okay if i go down to 37 that means i fucked up and i need help " and i had actually not gone under 41kg back then, but now i'm 38kg and eh

ig i fucked up

so what do i do ughhhh

okay if i go to 37 i'll talk to my parents bc i don't wanna end up anorexic fr
plus my irl friends are kind of al getting upset at me and i don't like it, i feel like it's gonna end up like last year and tbh i kinda didn't like it
but yeah i've got serious issues with food and it'd be great if i could fix it and focus on school lol

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS ??
that was a short immersion in my brain when i start to actually think rationally lol