my rantbook, in english

29.0

PFFAAAAHAHAHAHAH YALL WAIT-

so basically
friday night my parents went out to drink

So ofc that made me anxious and I asked them not to drink too much bc emetophobia + drink ppl = death
And ofc they ignored me <333333

So midnight they come back home and that wakes me up, I hear my parents talking yk
So my dad's completely wasted and my mother literally fell asleep before even taking off her clothes
And my father stayed up so I could hear him in the kitchen, I'm telling u some stuff was happening there, I thought he was breaking down the whole house, man was probably super dizzy

ANYWAYSS
All that little mess gave me a ✨panic attack✨
and ofc it's not like I was gonna go to my father to ask for meds right, cuz I was literally scared of him
So I stayed up in my bed crying for basically 4 hours until I decided I couldn't do it anymore and ✨self harmed✨

I'm not dumb though, I'm supposed to have given all of my blades away so cutting would've been uhm... Yeah sus, so I scratched myself instead and ouch
That shit hurts way more than beans 👹 and now I have weird marks, it looks like a snail just... Walked on me lmfao

Anyways, then I was able to fall back asleep
BUT GUESS WHAT
It's not the end yet

I wake up near 8am and I hear sounds
Not gonna describe but someone was clearly being s*ck
So I grabbed pants and ran out of my room to lock myself on the balcony
Then after spending 1 hour outside I try to go back into the house and my brother tells me " uhm I think you'd rather stay outside " and then I hear sus noises again

So I stay on the balcony t'il 10am and then I decide to quickly run to my room, grab a backpack and a jacket
And then I leave

I first went to some forest with the intent of slicing my veins open and dying but then I thought I didn't want to die looking like trash so I scratched again instead and stayed in that forest just kinda relaxing for 2 hours.
Near 12 I go back to the village but ughh I wasn't going back home lol

I went to the bus stop (bc it was raining) and stayed there until 2pm, then I got a call from my mother
She was like "honey are you okay ? I'm so sorry for last night... Aren't you cold ? We're not s*ck bc of a bacterias you know, you can come back home "

So I told her I didn't care and didn't want to go back home
And ig the universe finally decided to be on my sides cuz she said " well you still need somewhere to eat etc... So I'm gonna call grandma and she'll pick you up "

AND MY GRANDMA CAME AAAAAH I LOVE HER SM SHE LITERALLY SAVED MY DAYY
We went to her house and she learned me how to cook guacamole and apricot pie, then we did some crochet and went on a walk (btw I still hadn't eaten, I think I did a solid 22hours fast cuz then she made me eat some snack)
And near 6pm I started getting anxious again cuz I thought she was going to take me back home

BUT THE UNIVERSE WAS STILL ON  MY SIDE YALL
She asked me if I wanted to stay at her house for the night 😭✊✊✊✊ (I was too embarassed to ask)
So I took a shower (those scratches ugh it felt like my arm was going to fall off), took a little nap, got a bit anxious bc it was the evening and then we had dinner (didn't eat the pie cuz I was getting a panic attack from eating ;-;;) and near 21pm I went to bed

I swear the bedroom I get at my grandparent's house is better than my own 🤠
I had the big double bed for myselfff (I usually go with my cousins so I have to sleep with someone) and I swear it was the best sleep of my life, literally

And yeah she took me back home in the morning, I was less anxious hihi
And my father kinda scolded me for scratching but then I told him that it was his own fault for triggering me and that if he wasn't happy with it well I wasn't happy with HIS behavior either, and then he said "yeah we really can't trust you" and I said " good cuz I don't trust you either " and he shut his mouth and was nice to me all day, then my mother apologized again and boom

So yeah idk about today but cutting (or at least hurting myself does really make things better so idk what I'll do about that ;-;;)

Kisss and vent abt your life here I love to read those adventures of yours hihi <333