my rantbook, in english

13.0

heyyyy

my therapist said i have an eating disorder i wanna kms🤡👌
and the fact that this book only talks about me struggling to get my life together is disturbing lol

anyways, i got worse yay
i lost another kg i'm 36 now, lowkey scared of looking like eugenia cooney if this continues
why the hell did i learn how to count calories like wth is wrong with me
my mind is food and calories 24/7 i hate it ;-;;

i really can't concentrate in class it's horrible. i'm fucking up everything..
as soon as i sit on my chair i go suuuuper tired (probably bc i can't focus on the lesson my brain thinks it's time to sleep ?) and then i can't do anything, kinda like last year but in 5x worse ughh
i was barely able to keep my eyes open the other day it was super upsetting

and i feel so weak yall
(i know dang well it's bc i don't eat enough but i can't eat so yes i'll spend another chapter of this book complaining abt it)

but i literally turned into a rotten veggie, sometimes i can't even understand what people are telling me like talking is too much effort lmao
but the worse is that i can't sleep at night bc i think abt food
yall what kind of disorder is that wth 😭😭
gimme back my old ocd and anxiety it was better than this-

this morning i woke up and like
i stood up, my vision twerked and i thought i was gonna faint (yall know that weird sensation of the world spinning around u ??) but yk i'm a titan so i said "stfu" i kept walking and eventually reached the couch and sat down
now i'm scared to get up lol

if i faint my parents will go so mad at me i don't even want to think abt it

the worse is that i do eat, i'm not fasting all day like i used to, but i feel a lot weaker than before
the next school week is going to be hard lol
thankfully it's holidays soon yay
if i survive this week i'm a real titan grrr

also i keep getting in arguments with my friends bc of this shit it's upsetting as well
my mood is already fucked up and they fuck it up even more by nonstop telling me how i look tired and how it's super annoying that i'm weak or whatever
like dude i know it upsets me as well but no need to remind me every two minutes
they fr think yelling at me will make things better, they could just be nice

these dumbasses also thought it would be a good idea to tell my friend (the one anorexia) that i was having issues with food, THREE OF THEM SENT HER MESSAGES AHAH ARE THEY DUMB OR ???
they even told her my weight like wth no need to be a genius to figure out that this isn't smt to do with someone who's recovering from anorexia ?? so yeah i got upset

and some annoying teacher who "cares abt me" said she was going to call my parents if i didn't "get better" soon
like wow yeah i'm gonna use my magic powers and erase emetophobia from my mind 💃

i literally can't see food without having vomit images in my mind, then at night i dream of people being sick and it's winter so there's irl sick ppl everywhere how do you expect me to just get better like that 😭😭
even seeing people eat makes me uncomfortable bc i always think they will get sick
i think i'll stop going to the canteen tbh bc i don't like this place and it's a torture to see everyone eating fries and pie when i'm there with my protein bar 🫠

it feels super awkward btw
to just be there with a small snack
but ig my friends thought i hadn't realized so they tell me everyday how riduculous my plate looks, ahhh i love them 👹

also one thing that is freaking annoying is that literally everyone blames me for "not asking for help" when i literally did ??? even last year when i started having eating issues i did ask for help, to my therapist and parents in the first place, then i got better (and not due to their "help" lol) and in the start of october when i felt that i was getting bad again i asked my parents to see my therapist, they said no, i asked to some teacher (the one who said she's calling my parents if i don't get better ???) she said "yeah i'll think about it", i also asked a few friends but ig it's not their role to take care of that, i even looked up internet and found nothing that helped

and now that it's getting bad everyone starts to worry and propose their help but bruh it's to late i'm not in the recovery mindset anymore
i knew this was going to happen ughhhh
it's annoying lol

anyways

let's just talk about smt else

GIDLEEEEE

their comeback is so good ???
i keep waiting for a flop but fr they just keep popping masterpieces ?

wife was so good i love the concept and flow of the song AND UHHH SOYEON'S VOCALS IN SUPER LADY ????? excuse me why had i never heard that before ??😭😭
they slay
everything would be perfet if soojin was still with them but hey, at least she's back in the industry and she slays as a soloist soooo ?

stan gidle lolll

and that's all i had to say for today, kissu <3