★ hi !
my rantbook, in english ;)
mostly me struggling with eating and emetophobia, so if that kind of stuff puts you off, feel free to not read this.
take care lil human <3
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That shit is too hard I wanna relapse ;-;
I swear I tried hard not to abandon but this is the 5th day and I don't feel any better, if not worse
I still have no energy eventho I eat a lot and my motivation isn't really back either like... Idk I really wanted to gain some weight etc... Bc I wanted to grow up and be healthy ( and also bc my friend with ana just keeps comparing herself to me and I don't wanna be the walking trigger that I am yk ) and just... I just wanted to get better for me and my friends but it's too hard ;-;
I thought everything would get better if I started eating again but like... I can't eat normally, I either eat wayyy too much or not enough and like... I just prefer having an empty stomach over being so bloated that I can't breathe
And the Italy trip is still stressing me out, I don't even think I'll be able to go ;-; Like... I just don't know why but I keep focusing on the things I'm scared about and I can't get back the point of view I had a few months ago I just can't do anything I don't know what's happening
I've been getting horrible sleep and paralysis lately EVENTHO I DID EVERYTHING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF ????? Like dude wth And I'm still cold all the time..
So yeah, I wanted to at least go back to a healthy bmi before relapsing but 40kg is all we get ig ┐(´ー｀)┌ I swear I was really motivated to gain weight, i wanted to go to 43 but I don't think I can do it I wanna go back to 35 asap 👽
Idgaf abt grades at this point, i've ruined the year already anyways I'm rlly not proud of myself but I'm exhausted ughhhh i'd be crying liters daily eventho nothing's wrong like wthhh
Who cries bc they're bloated 💀💀 Help
Idk I just feel like my stomach's gonna explode and I will die
(Don't search the logic)
Also uhm My phone stopped working yay And I keep getting in arguments with my parents wouhouw
Like I was literally eating a normal meal (instant noodles) for the first time in months in front of my parents and my dad just started yelling at me like " why don't you eat what mom cooks, what the heck is wrong with you why can't you just be fucking normal i'm tired of this shit you're not the only one existing in this house" yes, just because I was eating instant noodles instead of mashed potatoes (Aka huge fear food) and I was already doing a huge effort by sitting at the table with them ??
And then he made a comment about how I was eating nuts ? Bro was just mad abt it I don't even know why
And my mother is always in a bad mood bc of my father so yep
I was supposed to study for the exam but I think I'll just play Minecraft instead or smt else idk
