my rantbook, in english

24.0

GOOD STUFF HAPPENED YALL

SO
Yesterday, I was dying of anxiety at home bc of  that damn wound, I was freaking afraid abt my parents finding out and it getting infected or whatever, so I decided to : GO ON A WALK YAYYY

(It was my third time going on a walk I was rlly anxious lmao)

And I sat in the grass
And I randomly started crying (who else always goes in the forest to cry cuz your room's wall are so thin ppl could hear you breathing 🫠)
And I got side eyed by a cow
And I started feeling absolutely terrible and sorry for myself

Bc I had literally had such a glow up (mentally) in 2023 may and I was yk, manifesting sm good stuff without even knowing about Law of attraction and all that stuff, and I was literally just believing in myself and taking care of myself and I swear I had never been that happy in my whole entire life and even other ppl were telling me that I had changed for the best etc...

AND YEAHH
That thing happened in september
And sure it wasn't funny, but I could've gone through it if I hadn't chosed the "easy" solution, I could've not relapsed, it was a choice that I made and by doing this I ruined all the efforts past me had done to get better ;-;;
I even got worse 👽

(No actually idk if I would've been able to get through it bc I asked for help, I really did try to find some (yk when I was STARTING to relapse but I didn't want to) and nobody helped so actually idk but ANYWAYS)

And I was feeling soooo sorry for myself literally, I couldn't stop crying and I was feeling super bad
AND THEN

I tried to remember
How did I get better ?

And I remember myself telling someone " I got better when I started taking care of myself "

And I remember ppl telling me to take care of myself
SO

I thought " okay, how do I take care of myself "

And I swear guys I was very confused and still feeling super down and I didn't even want to get better BUT
I told myself to try anyways

So I thought " okay I need to feel good, why am I not feeling good right now "

Of course it was bc I was anxious about the cuts and tired for some reason, so I needed to get some energy and forget about those wounds

I told myself that there was nothing on my arm, I kinda "forgot" about the cuts, and I made it clear in my mind that it can be anxious as much as it wants to, it's not gonna change anything about the fact that there's nothing on my arm, periodt.

And then I decided to go home, and on the way I thought about stuff that I should do that would bring me back to that time where I was feeling so good yk, so I should clean my room (I didn't clean it in months while I used to do it almost every week :'>) I also need to start studying again, I had really given up on school (and even the things I was learning for myself like korean and sewing or that kinda of stuff) and then I felt much better and I was back in that positive mindset

When I got home I drank some energy thing ykk
And I was still anxious abt spending the evening at home with my parents
BUT YALL LISTEN
They came out of the kitchen and they asked me randomly OUT OF NOWHERE :
Do you wanna go shopping to (some city that's like 40 mins away from home)

It was literally 5pm ?????

I WAS FUCKING THRILLED AHAHAHAH

So ofc I immediately said yes
I had a super nice car ride
Then we went in a few stores, I bout yarn, diamonds paintings, nail stuff, markers and notebooks (i'm obsessed with notebooks) and then we ate at some fast food it was suuuper good
I was anxious abt eating smt warm but they had some salads so it was very nice hihi

And then we got back home, I got very anxious bc my brother looked tired so immediately I assumed he was sick and I almost cut BUT turns out he wasn't sick so YAYYY
And then my parents went in the living room and started watching a movie cuz it was already 8pm so I was rlly not anxious anymore
I went to the showerr

Then I tried to change the band aids on my cuts, they got off super easily cuz I had just come out of the shower
Uhm, I've definetely hit beans loll ;-;
But anyways, I had found some compresses and there was this "cream" on it, kinda like vaseline and it's made so that when you take it off it doesn't stick to the wound, so I put that on and wrapped a bandage around it and it was pretty clean

I still wasn't able to desinfect the wound tho ;-;;;;
Anyways, so yeah that's it
I'll try to stay positive and all that stuff :3