Crumbling Walls | Erwin Smith x Reader 18+

Chapter 25

The Drowning Man

"I hope you die..." Your voice echoes and bounces off the walls around the room, shattering your world and your heart inside as you keep on watching him watching you. Silently welcoming and absorbing your angry words. Letting them sink deeper inside him. One arm over the table, the other propped against the chair, hand tracing his mouth as he keeps frowning at you. At the pain reflected over your face, at the glistening tears gliding your cheeks and trickling down your chin. He still remains quiet in what feels like the heaviest silence you both have ever experienced.

But I don't really want you to die... Not for them...

You instantly wanted to take those words back and say that instead. The pain ripping your insides feels much greater now to think that, for a second, your words might've caused him pain as well. Even if he hurt you so much and for so long.

But in your head, you're doing the right thing. For yourself, and for this shitty humanity. Isn't that how Levi put it? So you look away and nod to yourself in affirmation, as if wanting to validate the wrong feelings you're forcing upon yourself. And gathering what little strength had left in you. Before looking at him once again, to find out he didn't break his eyes away from you the whole time.

"You know, I wish you'd cheated and broken my heart by being with another woman." You talk softly. "Because I wish... I had you, I wish you'd been mine for just a few minutes. Just so I can say that I'd lost you. That it didn't work out between us." You sniffle and feel another set of tears rolling down. "And not feel like I'm getting replaced like a faulty gear set. Like I'm done being used, and now I'm thrown out like garbage!!"

Your voice breaks, and it takes everything in you to force your vocal strings to work properly and find your voice to keep talking. "I just want answers. I don't care how hard and painful the truth is, just tell me! Did I get too dependent on you? Was I a distraction like what Levi keeps saying?" You whisper, voice completely broken now. "Is this how heartless you want to prove yourself to me?"

Erwin frowns, his jaw ticks, then he tilt his head slowly and stares at his fisted hand over the table. Yet still, no words. And it isn't natural. His silence. His posture. It feels like he's trying too much to hold, force and keep himself in that silence. For a second you think he's just going with this, letting you have this closure. Or this small goodbye. So you can finally be on your way, far from him. Because you kept wanting to see him since yesterday, and now he's here, getting it over with.

"You have nothing, you know!" You say, and to your surprise, he reacts and looks up at you again. Still interested in your words and that deep sorrowful frown still shadowed all over his face. "We never got to talk about it, but I know so much about you now to know that, after reaching that basement, you have nothing but misery waiting for-"

"You're talking like I have another choice!!" He snaps suddenly. His deep and frustrated voice cutting you off and you seal your mouth shut instantly. Holding your breath inside your lungs because you may have touched a nerve there. You notice his fist is clenching so hard you see those veins popping again. And his jaw twitches once more. "What else do I have?"

Me...

You wanted to say, scream and shout it in his face.

You have me... I have you... I love you!

But you can't. Levi's words come and swarm inside your head. Causing you to close your eyes and force them way back in your mind. You know it's not right. You know you can't tell him. This world, these people, they all need him more than you do. And he needs it as well. As selfish as you wished you naturally were, as selfish as you want to be right now, you know deep down you can't. Because of so many things in the way. So many reasons and so many people. And the man you wanted to save isn't really yours, but theirs. And he's completely okay with it. He's completely fine with giving them his life, than to you. Because you're so, so late. It's like you're standing at the first step of a long stairway he'd already taken. And all of the steps are about to crumple beneath your feet at the slightest pressure. So you'll just stand there and watch him ascend ahead of you, going forward into that life he already chose without you. Leaving you behind, only standing there and watching. Helpless, angry, with a bleeding hole inside your chest...