The Only Man I Ever Loved

🧚‍♀️T W E N T Y S E V E N🧚‍♀️

DECEMBER - 3 MONTHS LATER

'I don't want to die. I just want to disappear. I feel like I am a sinking ship and I am just pulling everyone down with me. I took 3 steps forward and 5 steps backwards. All I have ever wanted is to be with Charles and the moment I finally get that, I am unable to carry his child. He is the most amazing man I have ever met . He's got an amazing and long career ahead of him, I have nothing to show for it, I have a YouTube channel and a book I have not touched in months. I am sinking Charles. He walks on egg shells around me. I moved back home with my mum because I can't cope on my own. I see or hear a baby and I cry cause I think about the what ifs and that's not healthy. I'm twenty fucking four and I hate my life.' I sigh at my therapist Adriana.

'You experienced something very traumatic. The trauma is fresh still. I am going to still keep on the antidepressants for the time being. I really hope you're being honest with me Miss Montgomery.' Adrianna scribbled something down in her notepad.

'I just want to disappear, I don't want to die. Everyone one would be better off without me.' I sighed, I was emotionally numb at this point. 'Charles doesn't deserve this.'

'Your family would not be better off without you.' Adriana continue, 'You are clearly struggling and I am here to help you through it all. I am going to give you my number. The moment the thoughts turn from 'just wanting to disappear' to 'I want to die.' You call me.'

'Now I am becoming your problem. I feel like a liability. I am an adult but I feel helpless, like a child.' I scoff, taking the number from Adriana.

'You are not a problem. This week I want you to try and remember how much you loved your life before your pregnancy.' I winced at that word. 'I want you to do things you enjoy, go for a run, go shopping, go for a drive. Be the old Estella, and when I next see you, you are going to tell me how that felt.' She smiled at me as I stood up to leave. 'Can you promise me this?'

'Adriana, all I could is try, it's only Wednesday, I don't even know what I am doing when I leave here. I am taking this one day at a time. I will try my hardest, is that good enough for you?'

'Is it good enough for you?' She turned the question back to me. I don't know what is good enough for me, I didn't know anything, everything I said was based on a false promise.

**********

'I'm home.' I called out to the house but I knew no one was homes I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and gasped at the sight of me. My hair was past a greasy, oily mess, it needed a deep scrub. My hair was a knotty mess, I have forgotten what my hair brush looked like. My tracksuit had an obscene amount of stains on it and truth be told it hadn't seen the inside of a washing machine in about a month. I was disgusting, I was offended to look at myself, I couldn't even bring myself to smell myself.

I heard a knock coming from the back door. One knock, followed by two knocked and then three knocks in a row, it was obviously Charles. I opened the door to allow him to enter, I was suddenly insecure about the way I looked and smelled so I dodged the hug.

'How was the counselling session?' Charles asked taking a seat on the kitchen table whilst I lingered around in the kitchen.

'She is still keeping me on the antidepressants.' I said, grabbing a bottle of water for Charles.

'That's a good idea.' Charles takes the water from my hand. 'Is everything okay with you love?'

'Why are you still with me? I look like a tramp.' I question out.

Charles chuckles to himself. 'Whilst you are literally the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, I am also attracted to what's on the inside.'

'So you're a personality guy?' I laugh at him.

'I am a Estella Montgomery guy.' Charles comes up to me hugging and kissing me.

*********

I couldn't tell you the last time I had showered. I had sat in the shower for about 45 minutes just deep in thought. I washed my hair about 5 times, I even managed to do some skin care. Now in a fresh pair of pyjamas, I was heading to bed. It was only 7pm but I had bed on my mind.

'So this is random but-' Charles entered my childhood bedroom to see me tucked up in the bed like a burrito, 'what are you doing?'

'I am going to bed.' I responded as I thought that was obvious.

'It's 7pm Stelly, are you even tired?' He questioned sitting down at the edge of my bed.

'No but this is what I think I should be doing.' Is my response.

'Well Max has just texted me telling me he-' Charles was talking but I stupidly interrupted

'It's okay Charles you can go. You don't need to babysit me.'

'I was going to say, Max and Kelly are in town and they've asked if we wanted to grab some food?' Charles asked me, but I was unsure. I was also very comfy in my bed. 'I think it will be fun.'

'Kelly is definitely there? You're not lying to me to get me out bed?' I sat removing the blanket off of me.

'Yes she is.' Charles smiled at me. 'Is that a yes?'

'Yes' I say with a smile appearing over my face.