Redemption

Chapter Thirty-seven ~ Disorder

He thinks his lie is perfect, that I don't suspect anything of him. I remember what my mother told me, right before I lost her for the second time. Be nice to your father. He loves you. He doesn't love me. Maybe once he did, when he found out I was going to be born, or when he found out I was alive. 

I wonder when he stopped caring about me. Was it before or after I killed his children? Probably after. But why was he at my bedside for so long without sleeping? Was he waiting for me to wake up so he could look into my eyes as he cut out my heart with the Muramasa blade?

We arrived at the docks of San Francisco. There was a waiting car that Wolverine got into. I got into the passenger seat, waiting for his next lie. I didn't know why I was still there. I already knew that he had betrayed me.

As Logan started the car's ignition, he looked over at his son. Daken was tense, the muscles in his arms were clenched and his ears were perked, as if listening for something. Or expecting something. Logan's stomach squirmed. No, he can't know. Logan pushed the gas pedal down and the car pushed away. The uneasy feeling that Daken knew something didn't go away. 

"Are you going to tell me where you're taking me?" asked Daken. Nothing in his voice sounded suspicious or knowing. "Or will I have to guess?"

"It's a surprise," said Logan. "So no guessing allowed."

He's unsure. He was definitely hiding something from me. But what is it? Is it something Jean wanted? Did Jean and the rest of the X-men make him do this? Did Charles have a say in this? Did my father have a say in this? He probably did. I focused on the road, trying to decipher where we were going. The next ten minutes were filled with silence. Where were we going? What isn't Logan telling me? He felt guilt when we were leaving Utopia but now he's filled with rage and hate. Somehow I know they're directed at me. 

He has to be put away. He NEEDS to be put away, for good, forever.

That was what Rogue had thought, and she had believed it. My eyes were looking at my father now, not the road ahead. I don't feel betrayal, his hatred toward me is reasonable. I just feel a sense of cold calmness. My father is either going to kill me, or put me away. If he kills me, at least do it somewhere reasonable. 

Logan felt his son's eyes boring into the side of his head. He knew, Daken knew. He knew everything. How? How? What did I do wrong? Self-doubt made itself present, but I pushed it away, knowing Daken could sense it.

He knew I knew. He knew I'd figured him out. I could have easily made him turn around but a part of me agrees with him. I needed to be killed or put away. Some part of me knew I was a monster, that I was not safe for this world. Or that this world was not safe for me. Something was finally spoken between me and my father.

"I thought I told you no guessing," he said.

"I get curious," I responded. "You're terrible at hiding things."

"You're just good at finding things,"

There were a few more seconds of silence.

"So," I said, "which one are you going to do? Kill me, or put me away?"

"Put you away," said Logan. "We were going to kill you but Charles declined. There's no fighting with him and winning."

"So everything was fake between us," I said, finally feeling betrayal. "Everything you said to me was a lie. A lie that I stupidly believed. You stayed at my bedside to make me believe I actually loved you, only to fight Charles Xavier to kill me." 

"Look, Daken —"

"Do you want to know what my mother said to me before she left?" I asked. "She told me to be nice to you. Because you loved me. That's what she said. Did you tell her to say that to me? Did you tell my mother to lie to her only son?"

"No, I didn't," said Logan. "I didn't know she said that."

"Don't feel fucking regret now," I said. "You keep telling yourself that you are a good person because you help people, but in truth — you know this, somewhere, you know this — that you're just like me. You and Laura and Gabby are just like me. I just chose to embrace it." 

The car stopped. We were there. At the insane asylum. We got out and Logan shot toward the door.

"Stop," I ordered, "I'm not done with you."

He obeyed, but didn't turn around to look at me.

"You're always playing the hero," I said, walking toward my father. "You're always playing the goodie-two-shoes hero that does everything for innocent people and you can't even look your son in the eye as you betrayed him. As you put him in an insane asylum. You are the most pathetic superhero I have ever met. I hate you. But you don't care. You don't care about anything. Not me, not mom, not Gabby or Laura, not Rogue, not even your precious X-men. You only care about yourself. That's why mom's dead. Because you didn't care enough to stay at her side."