Does it help or harm

Young me

Let's preface this by talking about the kind of child I was growing up. I always struggled to make friends, I never really felt wanted by my classmates and like I wasn't a thought that grabbed anyone's attention. It was lonely I'll admit I did get bullied, teased, and harassed but I don't blame or pity myself. I am different and for so long I tried to fit in but what I didn't realize back then is that I would never fit in, I will never be "normal". I'm autistic and as hard as that is for me to admit I want to get to a place in my life where I can appreciate my differences. I can do things other people can't. I can speak fluently in multiple languages, I'm kind, and caring and I listen with my ears and heart openly. Being autistic allows me to read people and pick up on things other people may overlook. 

The funny thing is the more people tear you down the less you want to fight it. The bullying consumed me, I became the things that people told me and that was never the kind of person I was or am to this day. I let it get inside my head and it negatively shaped me. I became full of hatred not just towards the people who bullied me but myself as well. I felt everything in my life turn a shade of grey. Everyone wants to be liked and I felt like the more I tried to get people to like me the more people kept their distance. 

My journey with mental health started when I was 12, I can remember it like yesterday. I was home alone and I was hearing voices and sounds that weren't there. I was quietly distressed about it because it felt so real and terrifying. That went on for about two months at that time I had developed some anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. It only went downhill from there...