Does it help or harm

The last straw

Around the same time I met my first boyfriend. I was 14 and he was 15 years old. We were just children and our conservation confirmed it. We'd bicker over the small unimportant details that we wouldn't let go of. I want to say it was him not me but that would be a lie. I didn't know what to expect from a relationship and I believe it takes a few tries before you realize what is required for a stable and happy relationship. Let me tell you ours was anything but. It was chaos. We allowed people's opinions about us to get in the way of seeing each other's true beauty.  I would be blamed for things that were unintentional or for a rumor someone made up about me. I was exhausted and I couldn't escape the cycle I was trapped in. Him getting upset, I frantically tried everything to make it okay only now do I realize it shouldn't have been me putting in 90% and that it should have been equal amounts of sacrifice and commitment. I put him before everything else in my life, family, friends, opportunities in school, and most importantly myself.

As time went on our relationship grew more toxic and caused more pain and friction in my life. After what I experienced at the beach I didn't value my body and myself very much, which looking back on now was a huge mistake. I let my boyfriend and other guys on the internet use my body and allow naked photos of myself to circle on social media. Photos I will never be able to get back. I needed more guidance but I was too embarrassed I thought it was okay because they liked it, so that meant they liked me, right? What about me? I didn't like it but I didn't stop.

It is hard to see the good in something like this but I believe it made me stronger and realize I am worth more than my body and people who are attracted to me will find my personality just as beautiful as the rest of me.