Does it help or harm

Beginning of the end

The night my life changed forever was when I ran away to the beach. My head was foggy and I felt my thoughts were rocks I was wading through a muddy hill. I couldn't think all I could do was cry, I wanted it to end. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted my life to end.

While I was at the beach I walked up the shore and a man much older than me pulled me towards him, it was one of the scariest things that have ever happened to me, I wanted to scream but nothing came out. I felt hopeless as he touched my underage body and that was my first experience with intercourse. Yes, I am a victim of rape. I find it embarrassing, painful, and hard to think and talk about. For years I had this deep, dark secret that had me bound by chains. I don't know that telling people breaks the chains that have me trapped inside my head but it means I no longer have to carry the burden by myself.  

From that moment my mental health spiraled out of control. I felt empty, regretful, hurt, and worthless. I hated myself. I hated myself for not being strong enough to deal with it, to fight him off, to protect myself and my dignity. I needed someone to tell me I was enough and that it wasn't my fault but how could anyone do that if I was too ashamed to tell them? 

This is when mental health services became involved but they told me I would be alright and I didn't have a further appointment. Was I really okay or did I filter what I said to make them believe I was okay? I didn't want to have a problem, I couldn't admit it to myself so I wasn't about to let someone decide that for me when I already felt like my entire life was being submerged underwater.