Does it help or harm

First hospitalization

I have a raging eating disorder and my body got to the point where I needed other people to intervene. I am not better by any means but I don't want to be better. I have anorexia and I wouldn't have it any other way. It sounds sick but I feel better when I restrict, starve, and lose weight. You are probably thinking how could anyone find pleasure in something like that, anorexia is my safety net, I feel naked and vulnerable without it. I rely on starvation to drag me through my darkest nights when I feel like fading in the universe. 

My family visited me frequently but it didn't make it any easier. I was tube-fed and it made me feel helpless. My anorexia gave me control and being tube-fed striped away from me. I wanted a way out but not like that, I was convinced I could do it by myself but deep down I knew I had a very slim chance. 

My hospital admission didn't end there. I went to a youth facility away from my hometown. I didn't know what to expect but I didn't expect what I got. It sounds like I'm contradicting myself but I needed to be helped, that is what I went there for but I was made to feel like I was a problem, causing issues involving other patients' care when in reality it was something I was just learning how to accept. I want you to know, I didn't do it on purpose. I truly didn't know any better. If I were to go back and tell myself one thing it would be, that the people in the hospital are unwell, and you don't know anything about them or their care so treat others how you want to be treated and not like you're on their treatment team.