I cared about her. Probably more than anyone else at the time as selfish as that could be. Although the nihilism was really starting to drag me down. My optimism was gone, I could hardly speak to anyone and nobody knew what was really going on besides me.
Then, came you.
I was introduced to you by a mutual friend. We had the same bag at school, similar interests. At the time this is when I got into anime and she was all for meeting me. I must've seen her around the school once or twice but I had no idea who she was. All that I knew was her online username. I was officially, chronically online and we spoke for hours. She shared pictures of herself which was a change of pace and gave me a new lease on life, as she was portraying an upbeat and positive person who had the same interests as me.
I spoke to L at the time and she was apathetic to the idea of another friend. Not dismissive but not appreciative either. The attitude that broke me and I started to talk to this new girl more. Day in day out. I remember one night vividly where you dressed up in Halloween costumes and make-up just to show me and make me laugh and smile. Ironically, I was at the circus that evening.
I suppose I was yearning for a reaction from L. A reason to need me, a reason to show me that I haven't wasted my time and that our friendship was as dynamic as I had deluded myself to believe. Though unfortunately, this wasn't the case at the time. You didn't care, and I had to accept that.
Her name was A. She told all her friends about me, absorbed me into her and made me the centre of her world. I remember feeling like I was standing on a conveyor belt, like this was the next natural thing to happen. She got her friends to pressure me into asking her out, not that the idea hadn't popped in my mind prior. She was nice and a welcome change in my life.
We hung out a lot at school, every break and lunch together. We walked around, with popular kids coming up to us and complimenting her while, simultaneously, I felt out of place. This wasn't the realm of reality I was in, this was alien and I resembled that in real life. I still talked to L, as much as I could. I was lifeless and a husk of myself in person and getting noticed by people who would never normally speak to me felt demeaning. My backpack felt heavy every day, I remember wishing it would just crush me and I wouldn't have to be there anymore.
But A wanted me. More than I could anticipate.
She began requesting physicality. First with hugging. I was too embarrassed to initiate, especially when she chose to request it in front of all my friends. Holding hands was the next logical step, I actually took upon myself to that and remember feeling great pride for doing so. My first kiss was a train wreck. In front of a crowd, and I fucked it up massively. I missed her lips, pretty sure her entire face actually, and felt like I molested her head with my mouth. I cringe to this day thinking of that moment. It got easier though, she took the lead and I began to understand the physical aspect of a relationship. It was warm and smelt like autumn and caramel lip balm.
I figured that would be the peak of the physicality. I was only early teens and wasn't really familiar with the 'rest'. Though she teased and introduced photos of herself. (Which my parents found and grounded me for) So, we then resorted to roleplay. This was great, it felt anonymous and descriptive and allowed me to understand sex. Until my parents found it and grounded me for it in the most humiliating way possible.
I visited her house instead of attending 'science club' since she lived so close. We made out while watching crap on her TV. Except she was getting more intimate. On weekends we'd visit a local park and she'd want to do sexual things in a secluded area. I couldn't even touch a tit without panicking and having a meltdown. This escalated and escalated until I was more prepared. With some heavily manipulative peer pressure from her friend, we had sex and it was terrifying. I had no idea what I was doing and it felt wrong from start to finish.
All I could ponder was whether to be proud of losing my V-Card when I felt completely tainted and impure. Pretty soon after that, there were crowds of people I didn't know who were older and interacting with A. I felt distant. I felt like there was a wall between us.
It was funny actually, what followed. A bewilderment of being overwhelmed brought me back to L. I was still actively talking to her, though the topic was never easy to explain to anyone, let alone A. What I haven't mentioned was the overly emotional side of the relationship. Being awkward was seen as not interested. Fickle and uncaring. I believed it was my fault, she got upset and fled ensuring to tell close friends what would happen, who would then come to me.
She cried, she self-harmed, she demonstrated pure commitment in her own way. I ended up in the school counsellors office with her screaming about how I ruined her life. Which confused me at the time, I was so mentally apathetic that I couldn't even understand. The concerned school nurse looking at me like I had dug a knife in and twisted the blade. I found it ridiculous, how could I be responsible for this? This was real-life after all.
I spent the following weeks with surprise school counsellor visits, sometimes together, most of the time alone. A was always the topic. Never me. I never told the truth, why would I? She still contacted me and I still contacted her. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up... you get the gist. L was a burning topic of conversation. Other people began to find out and wind A up to the point she'd react violently. I remember watching this tiny four foot ten girl leap to snatch a pair of glasses off of this kids face before crumbling them in her tiny hands. Positive reaffirmation for that kind of behaviour. Boyfriend of the year.
What else did I have? This was a spectacle to everyone around me, truth be told I had no time for my friends as I barely got to know them before she entered the picture. I started to consider myself slightly mental, I mean after all, who would actually do this to themselves?
We broke up. Though, it never felt like we did. Her hooks were so deep in me that the slightest mention of her pricked my ears up. I tried to move on but that was easier said than done when no breathing space was given.
A week after this, she led me to a stairwell and asked me to push her down it. My heart sank like a stone and I did what I could to defuse the situation before a teacher came along. We had both ruined each other. I let myself get carried away and the expectation of who I really was drifted so far from the truth I had no idea who I even was. I started looking around myself and it was dark. I had no interest in anyone else.
I met someone else a couple of months later. It was almost like I was saving them from someone else. Someone worse. Except I now know that couldn't be further from the truth. My morals were skewed, perception of a relationship was corrupt and I robbed innocence from her. This was normal, no? To hide someone from someone else as to not be harassed. I wanted to do the same things I did with A with this girl. I wanted to experience the same feelings I felt, however tainted they really were. I took her to the same locations I was taken, tried to initiate the same things that were upon me.
I saw myself in her.
It ended after that. Kind of.
We had sexual conversations often, to the point where it was all that was expected of us. It felt like an outlet for destressing without considering any morality or consideration for the girl. I knew it was wrong, but kept doing it anyway out of confusion, frustration and pain.
I was seeing the truth of myself. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't really see anyone looking back, just an angle of myself that I considered what I was. Who was I?
