After the confusion faded. It was like the twilight zone. Our relationship was now void of privacy as I had violated the agreement of trust. I followed whatever rules I had to. Abided by anything she asked and wanted to vindicate my mistake more than anything.
Humiliation followed of course. My one defining moment was now on the tips of everyones tongues with evidence to boot. I had to block it out of my mind, nobody would confront me of course because who in their right mind would? Nobody knew me before. Everyone did now. That one kid who did blank was now my reputation.
I had bigger concerns. Close friends of J's would remind me of my worth. J would begin to isolate me without me even paying much attention to it. L was out of the question and my friends couldn't look at me the same way again either.
I was 15 at this time and I remember every day that followed was hell on earth.
I couldn't tell anyone I knew what had happened. The school counsellor had already stopped talking to me.
My parents couldn't know and have a worse image of me.
Exams were coming up and I was forced to revise and abandon any free time to relax.
I couldn't sleep from the guilt.
I couldn't eat from the sickness.
I couldn't feel any love from J because there was none.
This was karma in its rawest form. I deserved every part of it.
I was building, though. Being numb was really just a coping mechanism that stopped anything else getting through. I could barely feel anything at all and my only source of redemption was through someone that I knew deep down couldn't stand me anymore.
Then one day someone pushed me a little too far and I lost it. I saw red. They knocked me to the ground, I got up, chased them and hesitated slamming their head against the corner of a radiator. I had it all in my hands and a teacher pulled me out of that moment. I'm glad I hesitated.
My image was, quite frankly, destroyed at this point. I had nobody that could bare to be around me. It didn't matter though. Exam season was here and I just had to sit and do them and I was free. So I did.
I couldn't hang around afterwards as I would be watched, I didn't exactly feel safe after my little showcase of violence so I hid after every exam.
Me and J broke up during this point. It felt overdue and made sense in the grand scheme of things. There was no feeling of love anymore and the addiction of rekindling what we had before was gone. I had absolutely nothing.
Exam period ends and I get my results, I don't stick around and go home and it's all fine.
I leave my decision to go to college incredibly late. Originally, I was to go to the sixth form at the school I attended. After spending a day walking around, I concluded that I couldn't bear to be scowled at for another two years by teachers and students that knew me.
On the last day before I had to start, I attended a college that was an hour away on the bus.
However, before that. I decided to completely change everything.
I moved to Manchester for a few months as a fresh and clean slate. I didn't make any friends until I went on this trip to Scotland with my Dad and some family friends.
On this trip, I was alone in the living room on a small sofa bed and I didn't know the family friends well so it was a little awkward.
This is where I met O. O and I were sort of fated to meet, and judging by the previous people I'm sure you can guess how well we also worked out.
On this trip we barely spoke to each other, just gazed at each other from a distance. It was sort of like an admiration of ones own existence but we dared not intrude on each others life. She was dating someone and I was still with J.
We became sort of friends, her mum had cancer so we tried to make things as special and sentimental as possible. The cottage we had was special to me and I can still remember the smell of it to this day. We brought our dog and they brought their two and we all settled in together and became a temporary family over the new years period.
It felt surreal for me. Being in that environment with what were essentially strangers. Except, I looked forward to every passing day. They were genuinely fun people and I got along with all of them. Eventually learning, I had met these people a long, long time ago. O and I shared my first horse riding experience together. She was sharing anecdotes about herself then that I didn't think were possible for a girl, my naivety downplayed my own personality and interests to try and appear normal. And it clicked in my head years later.
I couldn't really speak much to her on this trip. Although, I did enjoy her company. I enjoyed looking at her and seeing her interact with the world. That interest led to us spending time together, even when we were fated not to. She lived far away from Manchester, yet we still came and visited each other when we could. Her parents could see how I felt about her, even if I didn't know yet. I tried to be the best I could. I mean, she was someone I met while living at my Dads. Someone who I hadn't ever had share that before.
We did as much as we could when we were together, but never faltered when we were apart. I took her everywhere I could. She took me where felt special to her. I held her in my arms at night and she was the first I ever spent that moment with. Stillness in the air, just holding each other with as much love as we had.
She was beautiful to me. My anchor. Because she was someone not at school, it felt realer than anything I had before. I was scared to show her off to anyone, so I kept her away from social media. I had no friends that summer, so it wasn't difficult anyway.
When we knew our last day was coming, she would call me over and hold me while crying. I only felt proud of her. She opened me up too.
I flew to Germany for two weeks and I remember laying in the basement (I slept down there, it wasn't some kind of odd German tradition.) and calling her. Staring at the ceiling, I finally told her everything about me. About L, about A, about E, J and my mental health. Admitting to myself, I too was vulnerable. This was the first time I ever acknowledged my own vulnerability and when I got back from Germany and saw her. I cried for the first time in years.
She was this comforting force that took all the weight off of my shoulders and I felt so much hope when I looked into her eyes. I guess selfishness was also something I wasn't taking accountability for.
A long-distance relationship with an older girlfriend is not easy. I tried my best to comfort her when she moved to University. Though I didn't understand anything about it. I mean, I trusted her more than anything and only saw our relationship as picturesque since it had healed me so much.
I remember hearing her on the phone while upset, and I was trying to comfort her. Trying to make her laugh rather than give her words of emotional depth. Humour was a crutch, all I wanted was to see her smile after all. I knew I had failed her then. Then a week later we broke up.
I started college just before this happened. I was, for lack of a better word, defeated.
Every morning, I had to walk to my town and wait at the bus stop for my bus to college which took about an hour. The walk was twenty minutes or so and there and waiting for my bus always gave me a lot of time for reflection and contemplation. Trying to switch my mind off here was difficult. I didn't understand why she had left and I knew that things were once again sudden death.
I recall, seeing A around the same bus station as she went to the sister college of mine. I had no intention of talking to her, because whenever I saw her, my stomach would knot and I'd feel sick, like something was trying to crawl out of me.
My college had massive breaks in the day. Since my lessons were 9 til 10:30 and 3 til 4:30. I had nearly 5 hours to occupy while on my own.
Originally, I saw A's lanyard that matched mine and assumed she was at my college. Paranoia began to set in and I felt like I could see her everywhere. While at college, on the bus, in town, on the way home. And, then at my job.
I needed to escape.
