There's a lot you find out at 18. Your life begins to speed up very quickly.
Let's recap where I was at 18. The night of my 18th birthday, I got a call from my girlfriend crying over how she had cheated on me and felt guilty. My parents never joined me for my birthday meal and argued so I left and went upstairs. I scrolled through my phone, deleting contacts and realising how many people I couldn't talk to again.
The morning after, I met with my friend who wanted me to come over. He gave me my present which was an incredibly large case of alcohol. He re-emphasised that I could drink it now if I wanted numerous times that morning while he took me out for my breakfast.
Anxiety rotted me to the core. Nothing felt right.
Work beginning to depress me. My 'scores' were getting lower, talks with managers were frequent and I was beginning to notice I was getting sloppy with caring about anything.
I had friends and I enjoyed their company, they did their best to make me feel welcome and I had an excuse to be sad as a front. Many of the older colleagues at work were excited to take me out to the Wetherspoons near work. I embarrassed myself by my anxiety making me feel incredibly sick to the point I couldn't eat or drink anything. I didn't tell anyone this, just because I felt I couldn't explain it.
This was brief anyway, as second lockdown hit and we were all back at home. I started to care even less about myself. My weight dropped drastically and I looked ill. My hair was long and unkempt. I'd leave home without saying anything to anyone and just walk until I felt anything. I indulged in destroying more friendships I had with people I wasn't close with into sexual endeavours to try and feel anything. I'd sleep on the floor as I often felt so sick laying in bed that the hard floor was comforting.
I was the worst I had ever been.
This lasted for months. During this time, I met someone online. I planned some dates to do things, they flaked and I ended up going alone.
This was a good thing for me. I didn't feel disappointed, more empowered by my own company. I started to look at myself in the reflections of things.
I took myself to the museum of natural history. I had never felt comfortable being anywhere in public alone at this point. (Paranoia from helping a friend who had a lot of threats against them made those threats directed at me.) Though, I began not to care. I walked along by myself, enjoying myself and my own company. It was refreshing.
Everything prior with me being alone was just a transfer. An escape. This was me really feeling who I was, as terrible as I was and the glimmer of goodness still in me.
I felt, lost. Like the person I was when I met L wasn't even me anymore. Optimism was a distant dream and all my hope I had back then was shattered beyond anything I could imagine.
I stared at the train window reflection coming home that night. Wanting redemption and vindication for my own being. A true clean slate.
I initially rushed things, dating yet another girl who was a friend of my exes. It didn't last but I made sure not to burn things to the ground. I wanted to change and this was my way of showing it.
Instead of apologising for my actions, I made peace with the people I had left. I tried to understand them and get to know who they really were while being transparent about myself. I was struggling and that was okay.
During this time, LJO invited me to a birthday party she had. What followed is a night that changed my life forever.
I arrived, fashionably late. I stopped at the shop to get some beers to try and mellow me out. I assumed it would be people that I'd know but I was very wrong when I arrived. Everyone was sat on garden chairs and I didn't really know a single person there. More people arrived later on, one of which being a friend I knew from my old friend group in secondary. We weren't exactly on good terms after the whole J thing. I hadn't spoken to him in a long time and assumed the image of me was still there. I was right. He wouldn't come near me and I could tell my presence made him uncomfortable.
I initially sat on the chairs listening to others and drinking away trying to enjoy myself. Since I have arachnophobia, I didn't dare step foot in her house as I knew she had a pet tarantula.
After the sun went down, I walked to the end of the garden. Obscured by trees and bushes, a little secret end part of the garden with a chair was there. It was dark, so I sat in the chair and sat thinking about everything. My mind began to drift away, I must've been there for about half an hour thinking while looking up at the stars and feeling the alcohol in my cheeks.
Then, there she was. LJO walking towards me. I figured she was probably after the chair or something but she came and stood over me. Talking to me. Asking me if I was okay, what was on my mind.
I stared at her blankly. It was her birthday, yet here she was.
After a while, she left, brought a chair and sat beside me.
The way she looked at me while talking. Her dress and her closeness beside me. It was beautiful.
I felt seen, I felt heard and I felt respected. I talked, not just about me but her. I wanted to know why she was here with me. She told me that she wanted to be and I felt incredible.
We talked for hours, before laying on the floor together and staring at the stars. All I could think about was how this moment was my epitome of how I felt.
