I made my first friend at college entirely on accident. A Romanian girl who I can't even remember her name. I can't remember how we bonded but we sat in the canteen together and it was awful. She didn't know how to speak English, I didn't know any Romanian and we had nothing in common.
In my classes I met a new friend, M. M was rather... outlandish to say the least. A tomboy who spoke her mind and didn't give a fuck about what anyone else thought. On the outside.
I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to infiltrate her mind, I just knew it was a front. She was too full of life to not be hiding something. So, I nit-picked. I wanted her to feel like she didn't have to do it with me, I wanted for her to be open and honest and vulnerable with this guy she barely knew. The naked feeling of truth shared alongside someone that had been through the ringer.
She was shocked to say the least. Someone poking around at her sensitive spots like they were owed an explanation of how she has to live. I felt proud at the time but now I feel terrible about it. It wasn't something I had to know, and although she was comfortable and we expanded our friendship because of it doesn't make it a right way to know someone.
But there we were, I knew her personal secrets because I knew how to read someone.
I held back when making more friends. One of which being N. We'll come back to her.
Anyway, me and M became acquainted pretty quickly and her friends found out about me and my secrets in exchange for hers. I was a recluse so told the bare minimum but O was brought up and I sang her praises to the highest level. Until I didn't.
We broke up, I remember hearing a week later that she had found someone new and I felt a little taken-aback. Why tell me this?
I made it my mission to find my own rebound. M was that for me. I had interest in her, but I didn't think of anything romantic until I had already put myself in that position. There I was. A week later, taking her to the same fireworks show I took J to years prior. My parents took her to another one a few weeks later. It was beautiful and it felt peaceful watching someone enjoy something that mesmerising. Though, things were happening far too quickly and things got confusing.
Kissing felt wrong. We didn't have much interest in each other physically and soon after that our relationship ended. Not before visiting this theme park one evening however. There was this theme park by the seaside that sold half-price tickets after 5:30pm. We all met, got our tickets and had a good time together. Me and my friends that I had made up to this point and their friends of friends that tagged along. Eight of us total.
The theme park was good, I got to show my chivalrous side by lending my huge coat to M and trying to convince myself this was something I really wanted. It wasn't fair, to either of us.
Though, I realised that night I had other friends to look out for just as much. N was my friend who I was starting to really care for. She had a beautiful personality and was incredibly interesting as a person. I cared about her more than anyone in the world. She reminded me of L after all, same background. Same unfortunate circumstances and needing someone trustworthy to help them get by.
M and I broke up soon after that day. It fizzled out. Which is the better way to put it. I started to grow pretty close with my friend group. Six of us remained and we started to grow more familiar by organising get togethers at one of our friend's houses that lived close to the college. We hung out almost every week, graduating to sleepovers and all of us laying in a living room just living life by talking and watching movies. It kind of felt like all the aspects of my childhood I had missed.
I wasn't uncomfortable, either. It was all girls, and our close gay friend and me. I never felt out of place though. I loved them all as friends and valued them equally as my close friends that I could really tell anything to.
