I worked at the theme park for two years. During this time, I met lots of different people. They came and went over time, but the people I was close with remainded. Second year of college Covid-19 hit. Everything was online, which made my whole social irritability easier to cope with.
Lessons were online and I had even more time to reflect on my own life.
I went out for walks, twice a day around this park that was about a fifteen minute walk from my house. It wasn't much, just a field, fishing area and it loops around a sporting centre which was now barren. The lack of people comforted me, it felt like the world had fucked off and I could process everything. Slowly, but surely. I started to let things out and my guilt became understanding, my understanding became my conscience and I could begin to hold myself accountable.
I started apologising to those that I had royally hurt in the past. I spoke with such sincerity that I hoped it wouldn't come across as sarcasm. I meant every word. Not for vindication, but for truth. For trying to destroy that person and make something better out of myself.
This park was my foundation for that. Walking around on a phone call with genuine care, calling to see how people were, wanting to talk to them and listen to their side and how they were coping with life.
They probably didn't see it the way I did, a little pushy and forward. Trapping them verbally into a conversation with me, too awkward or full of pity to hang up. I cherished it though, to whomever I'd call that day, to speak my mind and to listen to them speak theirs made me feel incredible.
During this time, I got back in contact with J. We began talking and I started to walk this tightrope where I couldn't mess up. She didn't deserve another load of bullshit thrown at her. We talked almost every day, I hadn't heard from her since secondary at this point and we were starting to become very different people than what we were before.
We watched movies online, played games and just enjoyed eachothers company. I had no idea what I felt, but I cherished what we had lost. I was on leave from work at the theme park so I had a lot of free time with some money rolling in every now and then from furlough.
I was still damaged. No doubt about it, but this felt like a good opportunity for me to heal. Second year of college was starting too, my perfect attendence was starting to falter a little as the online lessons were hardly motivating to attend.
When Covid-19 started to ease up. Me and J met up at the park. We sat, (distanced), and talked about things while expressing how we felt for one another. We did this a couple of times, except my feelings were growing more than hers. I kissed her on the last time we met and felt nothing. The magic feeling had gone and it began to sink in how badly I had destroyed things.
Things got a little worse after that, we fell out and vowed never to talk again.
Theme park opened back up, but hardly anyone was attending. I mean, who wants to go where all the disease would be easily spread?
College opened back up, my attendance crumbled and I got anonymously reported to an anti-suicide support team that the college offered for my appearance and complete change in person.
I was a state to say the least.
It was difficult to feel anything but heavy. Seeing many familiar faces walking around college that couldn't meet my eyes cos they wanted nothing to do with me. I was still paranoid about A. I saw her at the bus station a few times and actively tried to hide from her.
The tension between me and my parents was trying to say the least. It was at this stage they tried to intervene with me drinking as I had piled up a concerning amount of bottles and cans in my room that I creatively built a tower out of.
I ended up going to the Wetherspoons in town with an enabling friend during the 'eat-out-to-help-out' Covid-19 campaign.
I was in there a lot with him, as he promoted terrible advice and I actively listened.
The noise in my head was so loud during this time. I remember walking home and feeling like I could hear people talking in my ear. That was, if I wasn't throwing up in public.
I was still 17 at this point. The only reason I wasn't getting ID checked is because my friends cousin worked in the Wetherspoons.
My health was in shambles. I'd frequently vomit blood as I wasn't eating. I felt incredibly light-headed every time I stood up. My anxiety was making me feel sick from trying to hide what I was doing from everyone.
It was at this point, once Covid started to ease off. I met this girl at work. She was a twin of another girl who worked there, she caught my eye immediately. I started flirting with her with notes as I walked past the dodgem box. She had a good sense of humour so we started dating. I remember waiting for her after work and we'd go on dates to the beach or arcades or just for food.
My favourite thing to do was take her to this special spot I had found. It was ontop of this hill in the dark but was high-up above the sea and during the summer you could see the sunset.
It was beautiful (if we ever finished early)
I made other friends at work once I had the confidence with S. I also started to care about what I was doing. My confidence and how I talked to people were improving and I made some real connections. Especially with a friend called LJO who really surprised me.
I started to take S to these hotel trips I had booked for myself prior. It was more exciting going with someone and we travelled to different locations, one of which being Brighton.
We stayed there for a few nights and she'd encourage me to drink an entire carton of Sambuca until I was out of it. I can't really remember what she would do to me after that, but I know it wasn't right.
She would hide from me a lot during our relationships. Often taking ridiculously long bathroom breaks, even up to an hour on one occasion in a Costa in London.
I never really questioned it, until she went off to University and I discovered she was cheating on me on my 18th birthday.
As terrible as I felt, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of satisfaction for knowing this is the justice I deserved. The pain felt righteous instead of undeserved and cruel. I deserved this.
My new friends at work rushed to defend me, support me and told me about how they felt regarding S. It was overwhelming at the time to see this swarm of emotional support coming towards me at once.
LJO and I bonded at this time. I opened up to her in a Subway on our lunch break for no particular reason. She told me her story, I told her mine and we've been friends ever since.
