I remember staring at the corners of my walls for hours and hours.
When I was in the shower, I'd cover my eyes with my forearms and try to think about everything - It was like looking for a thread that I could pull to unravel an understanding.
I'd sit with my back against the radiator and stare at my pin board filled with expired memories and a abundance of safety pins arranged into random shapes. Those were my comforts in halls. I'd lay awake for hours at night staring at the corner, listening to the outside. Brief moments of quiet in the early morning when there wasn't students coming back from clubs or yelling.
Once me and my ex broke up. I'd be found in worse and worse states.
I remember my door being swung open and hitting me in the head, before I asked if my housemate could turn the light off before I fell back asleep.
The floor became comfort. Despite being covered in sick stains that I couldn't get out.
I didn't really feel anything at this point. The grief of breakup wasn't something I was unfamiliar with. I just went through the motions, making appearances and attending the odd event. Nobody really knew me well enough to know I was "off".
One night, I was being swept up with a broom after passing out on the kitchen floor when I met a new girl. It's getting pretty complicated with the names at this point, so let's call her Daisy.
Daisy was not interested in me at all. To be honest, everyone had warned her that I wasn't a good person and not to talk to me.
Unsurprisingly, at this point. I had kind of reached a point where I was unfiltered. An understatement of sorts I guess. I told people what I thought of them, because I didn't care. Being witty was comedic to me, and since my flatmates were particularly fragile, they didn't seem to like me much.
Not to say it was to a hostile degree, more like apathetic towards me.
A few weeks after meeting Daisy, there was an invitation to another flat party. I'm not too sure what compelled me to come along, though I remember stealing my housemates white wine.
And there she was. Ready to go out clubbing along with some other people. Ironically, none of them had anything in common with me.
We all played a card game/drinking game together on their crusty sofa. I gave my best flirtation technique by voting for her on flattering questions. Though, I was too drunk to see I was voting for the wrong person.
I returned back to my room. Then laid awake again, staring at the corner.
Sometimes, I could see, or I suppose hallucinate things with the darkness. I'd usually be able to see things I experienced at night. Like LJO's party where I laid and watched the stars. The hill I sat on by the beach or even the beach itself where I kissed my ex with the sounds of carnage behind us.
I remember thinking of a lot that night. Laying awake, only periodically closing my eyes to watch the shapes in my eyes bounce around.
It was still like a numbing feeling. Though, I began to remember what I felt when I did have moments like that. Or more specifically, what I felt afterwards.
It's like a knot in my chest, that tightens. I can feel it get stronger depending on how badly I miss that sensation.
There are a lot of instances where I've felt it when trying to rekindle the past. Though, I usually have to let it die because it's not good for the other person.
A couple weeks later. We were out clubbing, Daisy was there again. I remember her yelling at me on the beach for leaving early. Apparently people were looking for me, despite me telling someone I was leaving.
I felt pretty shit after that. Though, an opportunity to go clubbing again vindicated me as I bought drinks and had a relatable conversation with her when we got back.
Days later, with her friends banging on my door trying to break it down, we were making out on my (colourful) floor.
I had once again wormed my way into another person's life.
We started talking a few days after this. Then after a month or so, started dating. Not before I was given an ultimatum. She left all the stuff I gave her at this point at my door with a note. (Just a hoodie and a toy I got her). It was either be with her, or not.
I went off to Australia a day later.
2 weeks later, I came back after thinking about it the entire trip.
And we got together.
