What followed next was a blur. I was docile for a while. Trying to be a good student, maintain the few friendships I had, build up what me and L were. There was the slightest glimmer of hope and I had a crush. It was bizarre to be in this position, I felt like A was really all I deserved and all I had going for me.
Any individuality I had really wasn't shown well with this new crush. Her and A were not good friends. They hated each other. Constantly getting into spats, I took her side of course, I wanted A to feel the hurt I felt. I was bitter.
We sat together in Geography class. Talking endlessly about anything. We had similar interests, we had the same friend group and she trusted me and told me secrets which I found endearing. She even told me her crush who was one of our mutual friends.
I asked her out, she said yes.
You might be thinking, why did I ask her out? We had a mutual hatred for A. I remember this one time we both got called up to the secretary head-teachers office. We "talked" it all out. A discussion was had, and the secretary saw A for who she really was and it felt like we won. That small victory meant everything, like children (which we were,) we high-fived and were smiling about this battle that we had finally won.
We bonded and I got to know her personally. I reined in the avid sexual pursuit and we spoke like how we should for our age. It was nice and felt real. It really did. Until it didn't.
At this point in time, I was flying to Germany for a couple of weeks. Since our relationship was new, I didn't really have any expectations. The people I went with were not really my friends. Actually, I didn't know any of them. The group activities in the city I was dumped on another group who I'm sure were thrilled to have me. I kept to myself, it felt easier and I was more comfortable that way. I made it my best interest to get E as many gifts as possible, this is were my foundation of buying presents to show care began. I spent nearly all my money on her, on random thoughtful knick-knacks that I doubt she gave a second thought.
When I got home, we had our first kiss. Her mother was intimidating and would constantly remind me how if I dared hurt her "little girl" then something would happen. Threats were pretty meaningless to me, my anxiety was high. I had no idea what anxiety even meant and had to google it numerous times while I was talking to L.
E started to spook me a little, introducing things I wasn't particularly comfortable with but still willing to show commitment to this new position I was in that, I felt, was right. This was false.
I could really hack her peculiar kinks, they were a little too out there for me. We tried one night of sharing body-parts and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin. I wanted out, but was too much of a pussy to say or do anything. So, I let it rot. I let our relationship decay. I became uninterested, apathetic and uncaring. I was in a depressive state that I wasn't going to pick myself up out of. My parents were concerned for me, they sat me down and the only excuse I could rely on was that I was being bullied. What else could I say? The truth was ugly and they already had a pretty bad image of me.
I was exhausted. I felt like I couldn't breathe half the time. Though, despite how heavy things were I didn't acknowledge myself because I could still do everything I needed to. Attend school, do work, go home. My friends became distractions, I was selfish because they weren't L and I didn't factor in the possibility that their front was a coping mechanism for life. I saw them as normal people and that didn't do a single thing for me.
I had an incredibly jaded perception of reality. There were crowds of people and diamonds in the rough. Broken people who I could help by being in their life. Though, I'd never admit that.
I had a lust for dependency. A distraction to mask what my reality really was. Loneliness was a thought cloud that would descend on me and swallow me whole. So, I broke up with E. Days after, with little remorse. I asked her best friend to go to the fireworks with me.
Did I have a death-wish? Absolutely, but nobody would find out. We agreed on that at least. One date. That'd be all.
We fell for each other immediately. Smitten. The best environment really helps with that kind of thing and I had learned how to play my cards. Charming, while simultaneously controlling truth and manipulating situations to my own advantage. She didn't have to know any of that, so I blocked it out of my consciousness.
Her name was J. I, at the time, had never met someone more beautiful in my life and was shocked to be with her. The reality of who I was with was a staying factor. Except there was one looming problem that had to be nipped in the bud. Her best-friend, my ex.
After their friendship ended, I learned what anxiety was. Started watching my back. Around me she would be, looking at us. Judging us. Hating us. I say "us" because you chose me over her and that really confused me. Only later would you actually regret this decision, but now this was perfect. We did normal things. We progressed at a normal pace and did things we were only comfortable doing when we felt like it. Our parents liked each other. You met my dad.
It was crazy and I genuinely loved you.
Shame I didn't understand you though. You had some underlying problems, you had anxiety attacks that I didn't know how to help. My parents forced me to do revision non-stop and I was isolated from everything when I got home from school. Weekends we hung out in your room rather than going out and doing anything else. I thought nothing of it.
We had some pretty amazing times together, we clicked because we liked the same things, same humour and my friends could see that you were good for me. For the first time, I was actually happy. It was bliss and I assumed things were the same for you too.
We were out one day and got confronted by my exes parents who were, let's just say, less than pleased to see me and you together. You got consoled, like I was an abuser while they didn't hold back with me. Reminding me of what I had done, all while in public.
I had a lot of doubts from then on. The morality of my own decisions at this stage wasn't really something I had considered or taken into account. Why would I? Everything had pretty much been laid out for me. My relationship with L was an exchange of my time for an understanding of a person who I cared deeply about. A was someone who tested the waters and rocked the boat, there was trouble but I got to understand what a real relationship was like. E presented me what love was and I could feel normal and relaxed. And here you are. J and I can't seem to think of any position I'd rather be in.
I walked miles to come and see you at your house just to sit on your bed, kiss and eat junk while playing games or watching movies. That was the best time, watching movies felt like a bonding experience that we could learn about something together and my parents finally got to meet you and take us out to watch one every week.
It was paradise, even if there were forces at play trying to jeopardise it. A and E sometime around this would become close friends and make our situation a little more distressing. Harassing us, laughing at us. Ultimately, trying to present the image of superiority.
To claim I am a good person at this stage is a delusion that I was oblivious to. I cheated on J. With A of all people.
To say why, I really don't remember as i've repressed the entire memory. I pitied A, I cared for her still and wanted to be close to her and the attachment and separation we had over the years cemented us as people that co-existed. She put herself through some shit and I assumed it was to get my attention, to get anyones attention.
I didn't really have time to react. J found out immediately and I felt sick for the next fortnight. I understood what I was. I had an apiphany and realisation of who I was. I was low because I deserved to be.
Though, J was a fool and allowed me back in. To move forward. Except things wouldn't be the same.
