2 Years.
That's how long this one lasted.
Daisy and I lived together in my tiny halls room for the remainder of my first year of university. I began to stop looking at the corner of the room and was able to enjoy my possessions and the company of her alongside them.
We went out often and did fun things to take our minds off of life. We never got sick of each other's company and could always enjoy laying together and falling asleep together after.
I moved into my new house and she was beside me once again. We didn't live together though we did for a little while in this new house. We watched all seasons of breaking bad and enjoyed the peace before my housemates (none of which liked me and vice versa) moved in.
Things were great. We felt like a team that was us against the world and we supported each other and the time we had together.
We went on adventures to places around the UK. Staying in Airbnb's as apposed to hotels. Our first proper date was at the planetarium in Greenwich. Where we gazed at the stars through a telescope and became obsessed with learning constellations.
We dealt with problem, after problem, after problem that was usually regarding other people. Stupid people who didn't know how to live.
I began to let myself fall into routine. Wake-up beside her and seize the day while occasionally doing fun things, cooking dinner or whatever. We spent a lot of time together, some might say too much.
I was very close with her parents, even to the point of starting a business alongside her grandparents and coming over every Easter, Christmas etc, etc.
She was close with mine (not like anyone else had been prior) even having personal conversations with my mother since we had a pretty fragmented history.
We moved into another house though this time living together under the same roof alongside 4 other girls all close friends with her. Anyone sensible probably would have thought twice about this decision but call me a masochist (I was just lazy).
We bickered a lot. Totally different personalities having contrasting opinions about pretty much everything enabled that. Sometimes it could be resolved with laughter, other times it was grating and led to much deeper conflict. She didn't really understand that I valued time with other people. Any girl that I was friends with before was out of the question. I ended up bending this rule by getting her to meet them for approval or some shit.
It was alright for the first month. I enjoyed the new space, a proper desk finally and the feeling of redemption I always get from a new environment. Although, I kinda got the feeling that the other people I lived with weren't the most compassionate or empathetic for anyone beyond themselves.
I kept my feelings to myself. Kept my mouth shut and just lived. We constantly tried to re-invigorate our relationship by doing another activity. Though prior to this, we went on a three month holiday to Australia.
We pretty much only had each other. There was a lot of exploration in our relationship. A lot of exploration in the country and a lot of time to realise our conflict wasn't surface level. Arguments occurred, she was often stressed and not considerate in the way she dealt with her emotions and I began to feel taxed emotionally.
When we got back, I was financially in debt. Spending all money and more being in max overdraft from doing literally everything there was to offer in Australia. We were both broke and I applied for numerous jobs around this time before settling into the one I'm in now.
I was irritable during this time. Not eating, depressed from my lack of organisation and worrying about funds. It took a pretty heavy toll on our relationship.
Though, it was just a phase and I assumed we'd bounce back. We did, at first. I came home from work and we'd watch TV together and eat food. Though, often, it wasn't always her company I wanted and living together constantly started to feel like I was being robbed of my solitude.
How do you express that? That your partner is too much and your friends distracting you from the world is the bliss you have.
I started to drink again around this time. Nothing major like before, though it was pretty noticeable after a while. Bottles started to pile up and it numbed my mind from thinking about anything I didn't want to.
I craved isolation. Though for months I didn't know what that feeling really was like. It had been so long and I always replaced that feeling with a new person to focus on and "give the world" (like I was in any fucking position to do so).
I had my methods of detaching. Almost ultimately letting go of everything and not caring by visiting the beach with a friend. We talked under the moonlight, shivering in the cold talking about everything but the primary problems.
I lost my wallet on one of these nights and couldn't care less. Even though we ended up finding it I just cared about the night.
At work I was often alone. When it was quiet, my mind would wander and I'd sit and think about myself. All the time I had spent on these endeavours and only the damage I'd given them and myself to show for it.
It's a pretty overwhelming thought knowing that you are the problem with your life.
A friend came to me and I burst into tears for the first time in forever. I was utterly broken in this moment.
I came home. Thought about it some more and broke it off with her.
Initially, it was fine. But now. Now it's getting harder.
I don't really know what i'm doing.
With anything.
I'd probably write some inspirational speech about how you find yourself after you lose yourself. Though, it's pretty much inevitable that i'm not really who I was and I have no way of going back.
The past is entirely burnt to a crisp.
I took myself on holiday to figure it out.
I did all the things I loved doing. Walking along the beach, digging holes and separating my mind from the one back home.
Except. It was just another hotel room. Another escape from my own reality.
I'm contented with my decision as I know if I felt that then it wasn't fair on her or anyone else. Yet, despite that, I've sacrificed my own security for a blank slate. The people I live with aren't comfortable with my position in the house and I have nothing now besides what I make.
So, now I'm sat with this one question.
How do I make it count?
