𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚

017.

it had been a heavy few hours since we made our way back from the graveyard. onika couldn't drive, wouldn't drive back so i had to take charge and drive us back to her childhood home where her mother resided.

she wouldn't let my hand go as i drove, held onto it tight as if she were to never touch me again. i rubbed my thumb over her knuckles as i could hear the faint sniffles. i knew this was going to be hard for her and i made it my mission to be her rock.

i was prepared for her to no longer push me away and want to seek comfort in me. she's so used to being the dominant one between us, the one who wears the pants per say, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't need that safe person.

she was my safe person but it was my goal to make her see that i was her safe person just the same. that's what she needs, it's what she craves. she's lost many people she's loved in her life, maybe feels like all the people she used to lean on have left her. i need to show her i'm not going anywhere.

we made it back to the house, no words spoken between the two of us but the way she leaned her body on me as i kept my arm wrapped around her waist securely, that was enough.

the house was quiet, all the lights were off, i guess momma carol had left the house, decided we took too long to come back and bring her food. we got so distracted that we didn't even pick up food, decided we weren't hungry. i would eat later but it looked like onika had lost her appetite.

together we walked straight into her room, tying my hair up into a loose bun as it was previously out in its natural state. onika had still not moved from my side, realised that she wouldn't want to leave my side.

i went to walk into the bathroom, onika trailing behind me, as i thought she was going to. turning on the shower, starting to take my clothes off. "nika, come on." i said quietly, too afraid that if i speak too loud it would shatter her into pieces that's how vulnerable she was feeling.

and that's what she did, following my actions, taking off her clothes and tying her hair up. i made my way into the shower, allowing her to come in after me, whilst closing the curtain. she went right back to her favourite spot, her head on my chest as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

my hands rubbing down her body, allowed her to melt into my skin. there were no longer anymore tears escaping her eyes but she was still hurting. today was the first time i seen her cry, first time i seen her let her guard down.

i hummed against her head as i placed kisses on her forehead and cheek repeatedly, showing her that i wasn't going anywhere. humming sweet tunes, telling her i loved her so much, telling her i was proud of her, telling her that she was so strong.

it wasn't long until i was washing the both of us, we didn't even bother putting on clothes, just got straight into bed. she needed the skin contact, clothes would have been too much of a barrier.

this was her time to be held, this is what she needed. to be loved, to be cared for, to be looked after. she laid in my arms, the silence was comforting, with the quiet sounds of the tv playing in the back, neither one of us paying attention to what's on the screen.

she laid her head on my shoulder, as her face was looking up at me with her fingers tangled in my hair, massaging my scalp, more for her comfort. placing soft short pecks on her nose, watching her eyes close softly each time.

"i'm sorry." if i wasn't so close to her i wouldn't have heard her speak, that's how quiet she was.

i lifted her leg, resting it on my waist as i rubbed her back. "why are you apologising?"

i felt her shrug against my body, "i'm not used to this. i'm used to being the one doing the holding, doing the consoling. i don't do all this, be vulnerable. i feel weak."