is it over now? [tom blyth]

5.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a feeling.

Since auditions, Alex had his reservations with me. He held himself back, never quite giving as much as what Daisy and Meg did. Years of convincing myself that I had the ability to make friends out of everyone I encountered and I had met my match with this one English lad on set. I never wanted to dwell on it too much - I didn't have time to waste worrying about why one person didn't like me when I was able to charm everyone that followed. Hindsight says I should have known, or at least asked why he held himself back, and why he never addressed his girlfriend by name in front of me.

Kira undoubtedly told him all about us. She would have curled up in bed with him, a movie on the TV but neither of them paying attention, her brown hair splayed across his bare chest whilst he ran gentle fingertips through it. She would have asked him a question about his past, when his last relationship was, why it ended, asked more questions to try and uncover the mystery of Alex and why he ended up crossing paths with her. He would then throw the question back, asking her about her past, who she had dated, if she had ever dated, who with and what was it like. She would have sighed, rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Memories of our time together, the good, the bad, and of course, the ugly, flashing through her mind like a film, trying to pick out which moments to tell him about and which to keep secret. Then she would have simply said my name.

"Tom. His name was Tom."

She would have told him how we met, how we were together until we weren't. How we crossed paths again months later, only for it to crumble before our eyes and everything be lost in a matter of moments. He would wrap a tight arm around her body, pull her close and wipe a stray tear away, planting a kiss on her forehead and reminding her that this, this thing with him, will be different and he promises that to her, because she deserves it.

He would be right, too. She does deserve it. Through all our time together, one thing I knew for certain is that she deserved the world and more. Kira deserved to sleep at night knowing my world only spun for her and that when her heart skips a beat, so does mine. She deserved to wake up on a Sunday morning, breakfast made and plated up at the table, a fresh coffee right beside it. She deserved to know that she would go to bed at night with the man she loves, giving her everything she needed and more, reminding her of her beauty, class, power and determination. How no matter what, the world will forever be her oyster.

I tried. Maybe not hard enough, but I tried, and as the Uber drove down the streets of Dublin back to my home for the next few months. I reminisced of all the things I could have done differently, better, given her more and offered her what she needed and wanted. I considered all of the ways I could have given her a future and been the man that she deserved so she could fall asleep at night knowing she was worth it.

The car pulled up outside my place, the cold wild flicking my cheeks as I stepped onto the street. It was as dark as it was when I left, only a single street light a few metres up giving the slightest of glows to the pavement. My fingers fiddled with the keys, eventually cracking the door open and sliding in silently so I didn't wake Alana upstairs. My black vans were kicked off my feet by the door, leaving behind the faintest of mudded footprints where I stood. A small lamp illuminated the kitchen enough for me to navigate my way there. Boiling the kettle, I slid myself onto one of the high bar stools before my head fell into my hands, a loud sigh escaping my lips.

Would it be wrong of me to say that seeing her was the worst thing that could have happened to me? Not because I don't want to see her, nor do I not want to know that she is well and happy, but it is now a reminder of how badly I fucked up. I didn't really need a reminder - I was already well aware of what I did and how much it would have broken her heart, not to mention I didn't give her a second of closure and expected her to just accept what had happened and move on. Safe to say she has the latter all sorted out.