is it over now? [tom blyth]

10.

I haven't seen or spoken to Kira in two months.

You'd think over that much time, I would have forgotten about her. Maybe I would have finally gotten over how enlightened my feelings for her were after she told me to go fuck myself. Maybe I would have finally decided whether I am staying in London for her or for the girlfriend I had acquired. Or, maybe I would have worked out whether my feelings were because of unresolved disputes or just heat of the moment.

For one, I decided to move in with Alana. I have made some terrible decisions in my life, but this might be one of my worst. Don't get me wrong, Alana is an angel in so many ways. She is visually not far from being one - the full hips, long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that would have anyone down on their knees for her. But, living with her must have given her this false sense of security because, despite us only being together for a few months, she has dropped too many hints about a ring and it is becoming increasingly difficult to avoid the conversations.

Like right now, she is stood in the kitchen talking about how exciting Meg's wedding is going to be, because her boyfriend of 4 years finally decided to put a ring on it in the last year and they pulled together the planning of a wedding in mere months.

"It must be so exciting planning a wedding. Like, just imagine Tom." I just hummed in response because what the fuck else am I meant to say back to that? Break the news to her that I do not plan to propose for a god awful long time, or that I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that the person I would see walking down the aisle would be her. I think both responses would break her heart so maybe keeping it to myself is the wisest decision I could make.

"Like, I cannot wait for the day I get to go and try on dresses and check out venues. Ugh, can you imagine, baby? Us going and looking at venues and picking the one we love the most..." I had to tune out, because as sweet as the sentiment is, the only thing these conversations has shown me is how much I don't want to marry Alana, and now I am wondering what I am doing with someone who I do not see a future with, but I see with someone else.

It has started to dawn on me that my time is running out. Kira and Alex have been together for nearly, or more than, two years now, and I have no doubt he is probably weighing up proposing whilst he is weighing the carats of diamonds to go on her finger. It was the damning realisation I came to when Alana and I were out in London the other weekend finding outfits for the wedding that they were probably doing the same thing but also ducking into the occasional jeweller to try on rings and find which one is her favourite.

I wish it didn't bother me, but it does and as the wedding draws nearer, I realise I am going to have to see them both, see how happy and in love they are and think about how the next wedding to happen will be for them two, except chances of me being invited to that one are slimmer.

But before the wedding, Daisy organised a joint bachelorette party. A small 12 of us, invited on a trip to Nice to celebrate the two soon-to-be newly-weds before the big day, and Alana was not invited, but both Alex and Kira were. Alana wasn't too happy, and whilst she understood why she wasn't invited, what she couldn't grasp is why Kira was and the unspoken uncertainty around Kira and I being on a trip together with some lingering feelings still present.

"I just don't know babe," she had said on the Thursday night that I told her. I was unpacking some of my boxes of clothes that I had shipped over from my place in New York that I was preparing to put up for rent whilst I was living in London. I just shrugged my shoulders, putting my boxers in an empty drawer.

"There's nothing to worry about. I am not sure what the issue really is," and she just groaned, throwing herself onto the bed.

"The issue is that she is clearly still into you." I just rolled my eyes, because Alana must be missing how in love she is with Alex.