is it over now? [tom blyth]

12.

Kira

How the fuck does one person mess up so bad.

Correction. How the fuck do two people fuck up so bad.

I am not taking the fall for him. That is his problem. However, I will take ownership for my part in it all, such as not opening the door to him when he came to explain it all. The devil on my shoulder must have been screaming in that moment for me to not even hear the angel telling me to hear him out. 

I was sure that my feelings towards him were firm. Tom is an asshole, he broke my heart and I will never ever forgive him, but if this trip has proven anything it is that I don't hate him in all the ways I thought I did.

My mind was in shambles when I finally crawled back to bed after our chat on the balcony. Wet cheeks stuck to the pillowcases beneath me as I cried my last tears that would send me to sleep next to the man I think I love. Riddled with guilt, lust, envy, longing and, even better, a little bit of hate. I have never felt so conflicted on how I feel towards a person, particularly one that I have been convinced broke me all those years ago, only to be confronted by the fact that he never did. Well, he still broke my heart, but it seems there was no reason for it now.

When I woke to Alex's arm wrapped tight around my waist, lips to my shoulder as he snored through the sun rising. I doubt I got more than a few hours sleep, between my mind running at a million miles and hour and the snoring on the pillow beside me. 

"You look like shit," Alex had said as I came out of the bathroom later that morning. I jerked back slightly. "No, sorry, that was harsh," he chuckled, "I mean you look like you've barely slept."

I shrugged, not wanting him to begin his interrogation that is bound to start soon. Alex knows me well, a little too well, it almost scares me. With just a quick glance at my face, he can know exactly what is running through my mind, and he is one of the first men I have met in my life that knows that when a woman says she is 'fine' she is not, in fact, fine.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ah. There it is. I shook my head, stuffing my pyjamas under the pillow and pulling the sheets up to make the bed look the slightest bit tidier. Alex shuffled across the room to stand beside me. With a firm grip, he turns my shoulders to face him and pulls me into his chest for a hug. A kiss is planted to the top of my head before he replaces it with his chin. I bite into my bottom lip that has started to quiver involuntarily. "Whatever is in your mind, I am here to hear it."

I remember the first time Alex said that to me. He had picked me up for a date, not long before he asked me to be his girlfriend, and taken me to dinner. It was the same day that I had seen the first photo I had seen of Tom in months, arms laced around a woman as they left an event in Paris. I didn't search for this, I was just unlucky enough to see it as I scrolled Instagram that morning. I had rode in the car in silence as Alex flicked through songs on his Bluetooth before he looked over at me, grabbed my hand and told me.

"Whatever is in your mind, I am here to hear it."

It was the first time that someone had noticed how I was feeling, but not pressured me to say anything. Except, I did. I left out some of the details, but told him that I had seen a photo of my ex. It stirred up emotions in me that I didn't think I had left - the classic "I thought I was over it" kind of mentality.

Alex held my hand as we walked into the breakfast bar together, noticing the table full of Meg's guests over in the far corner, looking and sounding a shit-load perkier than I was feeling. My eyes immediately found Tom, two spare seats beside him, and chatting to Darcy and Meg's fiancé. His eyes glanced up for just long enough to meet mine, the corner of his lip quirking up just slightly, before looking away and talking.