Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

7 - You Could See That We'd Cried

Not too far away from Alex's house, the same evening, Miles sat at the dinner table with his Mum.
She was telling him all about her day and he did his best to throw in as many fake laughs and 'oh's as possible but after a while she saw through his facade.

"Miles, are you okay? You've barely touched your food."
This was indeed a bad sign. Pauline was an incredibly skilled cook and Miles usually loved whatever she made.
"Yeah, no, just not really hungry, that's all."
"Are you sure?"

In many ways, Pauline was no different from Penny. She knew her son just as well and of course she was very well aware that there was something going on with him.

"Did something happen today?"
Miles was torn. He was close with his mother and almost always told her about it whenever something was wrong. He wanted to tell her about this too but he simply didn't know here to even start. He didn't even know what to think, how was he supposed to know what to say? Him and Alex had only ever been friends, why had it all changed within a moment?

Deep down, Miles knew that he was lying to himself. They hadn't been 'just friends' for a while now. Probably ever since they met, really, they had been destined for something else.
He couldn't admit that to myself though and he certainly couldn't admit that to his Mum, even though he knew she wouldn't judge him.

Thankfully, Pauline had understood that Miles didn't want to talk about whatever it was that he was thinking about and decided to leave it at that for now.

Miles was in his room, just about to go to bed early as he didn't know what else to do when he suddenly got a call.
"Hello?"
"Hey mate. Have you talked to Alex today after school?"
It was Matt.
"Why?"
Miles was genuinely confused. The last thing he wanted to be reminded of right now was Alex.

"I've been trying to reach him for hours. I just wanted to ask something about practice, nothing special, so it wasn't like I needed an answer badly or anything. It was just that he didn't pick up the phone and Jamie and Nick couldn't reach him either, so I got a bit worried. So, I just called his Mum and she said that he'd been acting weird for weeks and that it was particularly bad today. Said she figured it was because he was nervous about our gig but she's sure there's something else. Thought I'd call you since he came 'round to your house this afternoon, didn't he? I thought I heard you talking about that in school."

Miles was overwhelmed. It took him a while to gather his words and Matt already thought he'd hung up on him because of the long pause.
"Miles? You still there?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. He did come 'round to mine today, yeah, I haven't talked to him since, though."

There were a few seconds of silence before Matt's voice was transmitted through the phone again.
"Did something happen?"
Shit. What in the world was he supposed to do now? 'Oh no, nothing happened, we just almost fucking kissed and he probably completely freaked out over it, even more than I am.'

"Miles?"
"I-" he stopped talking. Matt on the other end got even more worried. He hadn't thought that something serious had happened and he just wanted to check that Alex was okay, just to be sure but this conversation was definitely not doing what he'd hoped it would do for him.

"Christ, are you messing with me?" He was getting impatient now. The silence was unbearable.
Had he underestimated how stressed Alex truly was about all of this? Should he have been more sensitive about it? Talked to him again?
Miles finally showed some kind of reaction again.

"Sorry, no, I'm not, I just don't know what to say."
"Do you not know what to say because you don't know or because you do know but don't know how to say it?"
Miles pulled a tense face and held his breath.
"I don't know what to say because I don't know how to say what I know."

Matt was about to lose his mind any minute now.
"Miles, what the fuck, is he okay?!"
"Yes. I mean I don't know for sure but he probably is, well at least he isn't not okay in the way that you might think he is. He's confused, I reckon. God knows, I've got no idea, actually. But I'm sure he'll be fine-"
Matt had lost his mind by now. He couldn't take the other's rambling any longer and knew he would probably start screaming if he let it go on any longer, so he interrupted harshly:
"Miles! What is going on? What happened?"

Miles took a deep breath. He knew that Matt wouldn't let him go until he told the truth. Hell, he didn't even dare consider hanging up the phone as the boy would most certainly run to his house and climb through his window to shake what he wanted to hear out of him with his bare hands.

Miles knew that Matt truly cared about Alex because he was his best friend. And as he cared about Alex himself - no matter on what level - that was enough to know for now. He had to say it.
"Well", he started and hesitated straight away, already regretting having said that first word. "This afternoon, we kind of- we, ehm, how do I put this? We-"
"For fuck's sake, Miles, speak!"
"We almost kissed."

It had gotten so silent so suddenly that Matt could hear his own heartbeat competing with the clicking of the clock in his living room. He swallowed, trying to ignore whatever uncertain feeling he was having at this news in order to get back to the actual point of his call.
"Okay so, that's why he's confused, you think? But he's okay? I mean he's not okay but he's okay as in he'll be alright?"
Miles tried his best to keep his voice from shaking.
"I think so, yeah."

Matt could hear how he was fighting, undoubtedly the boy on the other end of the line was on the verge of tears.
He didn't know what was best to say in a situation like this but he knew that he felt somewhat sorry for Miles. Obviously he hadn't intended on revealing this piece of information any time soon and Matt had forced it out of him so violently. In his defense, he truly was worried about what Alex was possibly going through and he hadn't expected this to be what Miles would tell him. The more he thought about it the more he thought that it made sense actually. The two of them had developed a close bond rather quickly, which was highly unlikely for Alex and him and Jamie and Nick often joked about how close they were. Still, they had only ever been jokes.

He shook his head hoping to clear it with the movement.
"Listen, mate, I didn't mean to be this harsh. It's not personal, you know that right? I was just freaking out not knowing what was going on."

Miles nodded before realising that Matt couldn't see him.
"Yeah, I know. No worries."
His voice was still shaky.
"Are you- I mean, are you gonna be okay?"
Miles wasn't sure about this but he knew that Matt meant well and he knew he was only referring to the night ahead until they would hopefully all see each other in school again, so he replied:
"Yes. I'm good, don't worry about me."

And with that, they agreed to hang up.
Miles fell into bed exhausted, never having felt this kind of heavy before.
As he shut his eyes, a small tear escaped through his lashes and onto his skin.