The daylight seeped into the windows like a candle slowly lighting the corridor only illuminating the most important of details. The blinds just covering the sheer brightness of the sun through the smallest slits in between them. I had no conception of the time of day it had been for my mind had been plagued with the many thoughts and feelings coursing through my brain at the wee hours of the night. It could have been that I only been a sleep for no more than a few hours. I truly didn't even want the day to begin either.
I couldn't begin to map out how my day would be played out not that I ever planned for a day on just a mere few hours of sleep. My body still exhausted from overthinking and overanalyzing everything she had told me from the night before. Every toss and turn in the middle of the night seem to slowly stir me awake. I even went as far to lie awake with both air pods in my ear to drown out the silence in the darkness of my bedroom. A melancholy fever breaking over my body deterring me from relaxing the night away.
When I finally propped up on my elbows I realised the sheets next to me were slightly disturbed. Lana nowhere to be found next to me. A moment of brief relief where I had a moment to catch my breath— my nerves. We had argued last night. The tension as thick as the oxygen in the air. A wave or restlessness in the night which led me to believe that even Lana couldn't sleep... or didn't sleep.
There's a stir down the hall emanating from the kitchen where it seemed like someone had been moving around. I take a moment to collect my baring's for my feelings where amplified. Our relationship was reaching that threshold where we both were molding into a more profound couple. It was hard navigating that of the unknown when it was hard to express one's feelings in a healthy way. It was the communicating it correctly part that I always struggled with. It seemed like I had been constantly reassuring the other person trying had to conceal my own feelings because being vulnerable was a very daunting feeling. My cross to bare.
I hear footsteps approaching the bedroom. They were light and swift not making so much as a sound. The bedroom door opening slowly to Lana with a glass of water in her hand. The t-shirt barely covering her precious parts. A slither of red material, her thong peaking underneath the shirt. My eyes crossing that of her body as she approached. I could feel the thickness in the air. There was much to be said about last night, but who would dare let loose the jaguar from its caged. The constraining cage housing emotions whirling deep inside. It had been easy to just let it sit there and slowly dissipate over time.
"Here," she says handing me the glass of water.
"Thank you."
Our fingers grazing each other's as I grab the glass from her. My mouth had been parched and water needing to clench that thirst. Perhaps it had been from our voice projecting over one another's. The fight taking all the strength out of us. A perilously fight neither of us wanted to engage with like two boxers on the eighth round weighing out the other opponent. The urge to render the other completely defenseless. I took a sip of the clear liquid the cool contents sliding down my throat and quenching my thirst.
Once again we were shrouded in that quietness. I could tell she was fighting the urge to mention anything first.
"Lana."
"Don't."
I break that silence trying to render the reassurance we both needed. "I'm sorry," I nod.
The nod of confirmation that we both were powerless against each other. A draw. Every punch of the words we shared last night taking all the anger with us. I set the glass of water down on the nightstand next to the bed. Lana shifting to the side of me. I watch her about to stand up and leave, my hand wrapping around her wrist just before she can step away. A gasp leaving her lips from the sudden movement.
I rise up from the bed standing in close proximity to Lana. Our bodies just a mere inches apart. I wrap my arms around her waist embracing that of the silence and the warmth radiating from her body. A part of me knowing that the argument affected her just as it did me. We didn't need to speak the words our actions would surely show.
Lana's back rising and falling as she inhales and exhales the exhausting pent up feelings residing deep down inside. My fingers skimming over her lower abdomen as if she couldn't get any closer. I wanted to reside under her skin. The burning sensation slowly melting away any reservations I felt about last night. We were just two people trying to navigate this thing called love. My finger trail from her abdomen to her soft fair skinned arms were the goosebumps surfaced like a wave in the ocean.
In one swift moment she had turned around to face me. Those chestnut eyes peering into mine as if uncovering the jaguar to not be as feared as once before. A docile feline underneath the tough exterior to be admired. I feel her fingers on each side of my arms rising to cup my chin in her hands. It had been hard to not want to look away. The tears surfacing on her eyelids. I wanted to kiss every tear away.
A tear finally escaping when I rub it away from her cheek with my thumb grazing her softly. I watch her close her eyes taking a deep breath in. I found that our love could outweigh this meaningless argument. A moment of clarity washing over me. The thoughts of all the dearest of moments flashing between us like a collage of memories flooding a tv screen as if it was displayed in a music video.
Lana's head lowered as the tears were just about to take over. I lift her head placing those eyes back on mine. "Don't cry," I whisper.
I place my lips on hers taking the despair in her heart away. Lana's arms wrap around my neck leaning into the kiss. I'm rewarded with her needy lips taking more than offered. Our kiss deepening more and more. The jaguar being put at ease. I could feel the pounding in my chest, my heart thumping from the anxiousness.
I step towards Lana maneuvering in a way where she was backed against a wall. The coolness of the wall welcoming the heat from her back. Our abdomen's intertwined like a knot in shoe strings. Her fingers entangling in my hair as I smile upon her lips. The tug from the corner of her lips in silent regard that all had been forgiven.
"I love you."
"And I you," I breathe.
My lips grazing over hers once again I seize her mouth spilling the love onto her. A shower of emotions spilling into that of the woman I never wanted to be without. The woman I didn't want to argue with, the woman I had grown to love without having to censor that of the animal lingering deep inside. It felt riveting. A wave of nirvana casting over us like an aurora. I could feel the tension melt away. Our kissing never seeming to stop. I was filled with the love of someone navigating this world of love like I was. If I had been the jaguar she was a cat.
A cat searching for that love and reassurance that it was ok to not be in control. That it was ok to not be ok in times. A self struggle that most people still struggled to find the comfortability in fighting back the urge to be everything and nothing at once.
When our lips separated finding a moment to catch our breath her eyes glossy from the tears she shed housed a deep devotion in them. A love that I to wasn't too familiar with. The jaguar finally finding a place to relax. The cage falling all around it. Never to be caged again.
"Thank you, Lana."
The only words that I could manage to say but enough to let her know that I understood everything she needed me too. The raging emotions a fleeting feeling— for the most prominent emotion was the only one that mattered.
