You Are My Life

Breakdowns.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Michael says holding my hand, his arm resting on the car door. I nod and lean into his lips, kissing him twice. "You got to stop breaking my heart likeh this." He chuckles, I knew he was secretly angry and trying to make light of a situation. I smile weakly and attempt to let his hand go before he pulls me in to another long kiss, his arm around my waist. He makes goodbyes so hard. I sit in the car rolling down my window to see Michael leaning in. I sigh. "Michael enough with the long goodbyes..." I giggle. "I just wanna tell you, I'll be here when you're ready...ok?" He says, sincerity settling in his eyes. I rub his cheek and smile. "Ok." I respond. It's good to know that no matter what, I'll always have Michael as a friend and he'll always have me. He taps the top of the car signaling my driver and I watch him walk inside not even looking back.

I walk in to see Brian and Angel watching a kids movie. My stomach instantly flinches. "Hi." I breathe out. "Hi mommy" my daughter smiles. It still gets me that she's talking. I smile kneeling down to kiss her forehead. "Welcome home." Brian says dryly. I turn to face him. "Thanks..." I walk to my room to find him following me. "So what brings you here?" He asks, placing one of my bags on my bed. "I live here." I answer. "Do you? Since when?" He asks sarcastically. I roll my eyes with a slightly annoyed smirk on my face. "Brian... I really don't want to fight with you today." He seems to give up on the idea instantly. "Judging by all these bags...you and Michael are no more.." He mutters looking at my bags. "I'm sure that makes you happy..." I mutter back, snatching clothing out of my bag. "Is that what you think?" He asks almost hurt. I scoff in response, my thoughts were that since I made him so miserable, he'd want me miserable. "Just because you hurt me, doesn't mean I want the same for you.." He says almost reading my thoughts. He folds his arms and studies me. "So why'd you leave him? It's obvious you didn't want to." I didn't. Michael has a part of my soul I'll never be able to get back. But Brian tugs at my heartstrings making it impossible to be with Michael the same way I used to be. I sigh, running my hand through my hair. "I don't know what I want right now." I toss my empty bag to the side and begin folding my clothes, my eyes welling up with tears. My thoughts were broken again when Angel runs in with a paper scribbled with different color crayons, waving it for me to see. "Mommy look!" I look down grabbing the paper with a smile. "It's beautiful baby..." I sniffle. Brian smiles at Angel, placing a hand on my arm. "Are you ok?" I nod my head, still folding my clothing.

The next morning, I do what I always do when I'm depressed, bury myself into my work. I began writing my songs for that girl group Sasha told me about. She was supposed to be coming over as well so I awaited her arrival. I grab my brand new CD player and pop in the instrumental track to get a feel for one of songs but the damn thing won't play. Technology just gets newer and newer it was hard to keep up. "Ugh.." I groan loudly. Brian peeks his head inside the living room to find me fumbling with the CD player. "Need help?" He chuckles. He comes and sits next to me on the lounge chair. "Yeah.." I giggle awkwardly. This chair is only built for one but he manages to squeeze next to me, grabbing the device out of my hand. He inspects it a little and then chuckles. "Here's your problem. The CD is upside down." He passes me the player giggling. I giggle a little with him, playfully snatching it back. "What happened to good old fashioned Walkmans? This new stuff is so difficult." We both chuckle again, this time making eye contact with each other. He makes a face like he wanted to say something, but simply breaks the contact between us. "Uh.. I'll get out your way so you can...uh.... write." He stutters out. "Oh... Ok. Hey thanks..." I motion to the CD player. He waves it off and smiles. I sigh deeply, leaning my head back on the pillow. "This is gonna be hard..." I groan. I place the headphones over my head and begin writing. About 2 hours later, Sasha walks in with Angel in her arms. I remove my headphones and welcome them in with a smile. Angel crawls into my lap as Sasha sits at my feet. "Well hi." She smiles. "Working hard?" She says looking to the pile of balled up paper on the side of me. "Of course..." I giggle weakly. I didn't want Sasha to see there was something wrong. "I'm surprised to see you here, I went over to Michael's first and he told me you were here..." She states. Brian steps in the living room. "Oh. There she is" gesturing to Angel. "...with Brian." Sasha says raising her eyebrows and looking at me. Shoot. "Sorry Jay, I was trying to keep her out of your way while you wrote. She just happened to get away from me." He reaches down to pick her up and I feel her ball up in my lap with a little whine. "I want mommy." She whines burying her face in my stomach. "She can stay Brian she's ok.." I smile. I place my arm around her holding her closer. He throws his hands up and sticks his tongue out at Angel, causing her to giggle and do it back. He chuckles walking out the room "...sorry, hi Sasha." He waves out. I shift my eyes to Sasha her facial expression causing me to sigh. "Really?" She whispers. "Look, I'm dealing with something right now. Brian and I are not together...and neither are me and Michael..." She shakes her head "So you broke up with Michael?" "Kinda.." I scrunch my face. She raises a brow "kinda?" I nod my head. "It's hard to explain." Sasha felt like Michael was the greatest thing for me because we were so similar. But I think our similarities are our biggest faults. "Did you even tell Michael about the James Brown tribute?" She asked slightly annoyed. "Yeah.." I answer. "Ok well you guys are marked down as special guest..so don't say anything." She enthused. "Why?" I ask. "Really? You two are the king and queen of music. Y'all are royalty... Even if you do dress like a peasant sometimes." She giggles, pulling at my sweatpants. "Oh shut up. I'm having an off day okay?!" I laugh. "Besides, I clean up pretty nice" I smile. "Well I've gotten in touch with three designers who are dying for you to wear their dresses and you have a fitting tomorrow. I believe Michael has one too for his outfit so you'll be able to coordinate with him if you want.." She trails off. "No" I giggle. She raises her hand up "fine, fine" she laughs back. "Another thing did you write anything yet for those girls?" I toss her two songs I found in the vault, aka my notebook, and my third song I finished today. "Perfect! So I'll see you tomorrow at your fitting!" She squeaks, standing up. I roll my eyes and laugh. "Wanna go out for lunch?" Brian says sliding in the living room again. I think he was ready to talk and honestly I was too. I had my on call nanny come and watch Angel while we left.

Pulling into a small spot with a small amount of people and no paparazzi, my body guard motion us to a booth standing on the side. "So.." He starts off. "What's going on?" His eyes watch me intently. I swallow my salad and take a sip of my lemon water. "I'm sorry...I did you so wrong. You don't deserve to be tossed to the side like that.. I did a lot of thinking and I missed my family. It's so hard to think of me hurting you like I did, because I've been hurt that way. I'm not saying I want to get back together with you. I would be surprised if you even wanted to... But I just don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think that I don't still love you, because I do." He focuses on his food, in deep thought. It feels like just yesterday I was on the other end of this conversation. I sigh as I wait for a reaction. "I could never hate you. You've given me a beautiful baby girl and for that, I'll love you forever. She's exactly like you, she smiles like you and even though she's two she's got your personality... And my GOD does she look like you..." He smiles. I giggle and look at his face, watching him. "I learned that forgiveness allows for better healing...I've already forgave you. When I found out, I was willing to work things out with you. What hurt me most was when you left." He drops his head like it hurts to even remember. "I told you...you have this charm with you... I just don't know what it is but, your smile lights up a room, you make everyone feel like everything will be ok and you inspire so many. I see why Michael is so in love with you.. It's like you're perfect..." He says. I sit and think about how all the things he's saying to me are things I've said to Michael. "I still love you Jayla.... So much. I'm willing to wait on you..." I sigh, my mind racing. I try to hide my feelings and just nod my head. Brian furrows his brow. "What's wrong?" I shake my head and grab my water. "No, don't do that, we're talking about it so let's keep the honesty, Jay. Lay it all out on the table so there are no more secrets... I won't get mad." He reaches across the table taking my fork out of my hand and holds it, stroking my knuckles. I shift my eyes away from him. "Brian... I'm still in love with Michael... And I'm in love with you... It's so hard..." I say choking up. "God, it's hard..." I sigh. My emotions begin to overcome my thoughts. "I can't please him without hurting you, I can't please you without hurting him. But it hurts to be away from him. It hurts to be away from you. I see Michael with his kids and it makes me miss my family with you." At this point I'm sobbing into my napkin and Brian has come around to comfort me. I think after holding this in for so long I finally exploded. I get up to leave as the bodyguard places his jacket over me to cover my distraught face.

I wake up feeling drained, my arm draped over Brian and my eyes dried and puffy. It's 7 in the morning and I have to be at this fitting in two hours. I hop out of bed and into the shower, washing my stress and heartache. After facing Brian, it was time to face Michael. I sigh and allow my hair lay on my shoulders for today. I toss on my darkest sunglasses to mask my dry eyes and walk inside to see Michael trying on pants. "I like these, but I don't want to be to dressy, it's the BET awards not the Grammys you know?" He jokes with the stylist. I put on my best smile and attempt to ignore the butterflies in my stomach "Hello..." I say calmly. Michael turns and gives me smile. "Jayla. Hi.." He kisses my cheek, pulling me in for a hug. He pulls back to look at my face trying to see past my shades. I look down, even though I know he can't see my eyes it feels like he's staring right into them. I clear my throat and find a way to change the focus. "Nice pants..." I say quietly. He frowns. "...thanks....Are you..?" "Blanca!" I yell to the stylist, cutting Michael off. "What do you have for me today?" I see as Michael cocks his head and grabs my arm. "Jayla. What's going on?" He asks. "What? I'm fine Michael. I just want to try on these dresses." I say, attempting to sound annoyed. The truth is I wanted to cry in his arms and lay there forever. But I couldn't. Blanca comes out with three dresses giving me the opportunity to walk away. "Perfect!" I say over enthused. I grab the long purple dress and walk into the changing room to try it on. I lift my shirt over my head causing my sunglasses to fall. Michael comes inside my changing room and closes the door. I cover my bra and underwear. "Michael, what the hell?" His face switches to concern as he strokes my face. "Baby... Your eyes...you've been crying, I knew something was wrong.." "Mike.. Please, I can't do this. Not right now." My breathing increases, I was still in a bad emotional state with the potential to break down at any moment. He watches as I wipe my eyes, pulling my half naked body closer to him into a tight hug. I hug him back just as tight and begin a small sob into his chest. "We'll talk. Ok?." I nod and fix my face as he turns to leave out of my room. I come out in the purple dress with a not so pleased look, shaking my head. Everyone agrees and I go back and change into a short diamond covered dress. Michael sits holding his diamond studded jeans and white shirt that he'll be wearing with a black glove and his diamond encrusted shoes. "That's the one.." He smiles. I look in the mirror and decided he's right. This is it.