You Are My Life

The Last Time...

"Change of plans. Take me to UCLA please." I tell the driver, my heart hurts. I feel like this is a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I sat in the backseat trying to hold my composure. My eyes glossy and my vision is blurry from tears. "This can't be real.." I mumble to myself. We pull next to UCLA, fans sat around crying and singing, wearing their gloves and holding their fedoras up high. This was too much for me. I walk inside and approach the counter. "Please tell me where my Michael is..." I sniffle. The receptionist looked as if she had been crying, herself. "Go to the second floor, his family is up there waiting." She sighs. I run to the elevator and meet the family up there. Katherine, Jackie, Jermaine, and Latoya were there. My heart broke into tiny pieces when I saw his kids, crying their little eyes out. Jackie seemed to be the strongest one, holding on to his emotions, he pulls me into his arms, engulfing me in a hug. I don't even think I could cry anymore. "Somebody has got to tell the press." Jackie says. There was a long silence until finally. "I'll do it" Jermaine sighs. We watch on the hospital television as Jermaine tells the world the horrible news. Katherine was inconsolable at this point. We all tried to comfort her. "You're able to see him now..." The doctor said somberly. I let the family go in without me. As I sat there waiting, Frank Dileo came and sat next to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder, "are you alright?" He says somberly. I place my hands over my face, attempting to contain my tears. "No.." I muffle. I begin sobbing again. "Jayla, you should go see him. Go say goodbye." Jackie says helping Katherine out of the room, Latoya holding the kids. I stood up beginning to walk in the room. "Do you want someone with you?" Jackie asked. I shake my head and slowly walk towards the room. Opening the door, I see him there, sleeping. I weakly smile at him, watching him sleep. His eyes closed, lips slightly parted... He looked peaceful. I touch his hand and he was still warm. I squeeze his hand in mine, slowly beginning to cry. My mind had registered, he was gone. I place my hand on his face, kissing his lips for the last time. Stroking his loose hairs away from his eyes. I sob with my forehead touching his, my tears falling from my face to his. "You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me.. Why would you leave me?" I cry kneeling next to his bed. I rub my thumb across his knuckles. "I love you so much Mike..." I kiss his forehead, and walk out wiping my wet tears, Janet and Marlon had arrived at the hospital and went in to see him after me. I didn't know what else to do, my heart was completely destroyed, my soul empty. I was numb.

"Jayla are you ok?" My mother says on the other line. I sit on my knees, on the floor of my living room, just staring at the wall. "No." I say flatly. Angel was over my mom's house, I didn't want her to see me like this. I hear her sigh, a slight sniff coming through the phone. "Do they know how?" She asks. "His doctor says, a heart attack" I respond, still as flat as the last answer. My mind goes elsewhere until I hear my mother say "I have to call you back." I nod my head and hang up. You never know how much you love someone until they're gone. I loved Michael with everything in me and I knew I did, but knowing that he was actually gone forever, it dawned on me that he was irreplaceable. I find his thriller 25 album and pop it in, skipping to our track. "...and if you feel alone, I'll be your shoulder. With a tender touch you know so well. Somebody once said its the soul that matters. Baby who could really tell, when two hearts belong so well." My eyes were dry, but I still managed to lay there crying, my arms hugging myself. This was the biggest heartache I'd ever gone through. It was like my mind rewound back to the first time we met. I would've never thought he would have this long term affect on me when I walked into that studio for the first time. I walked into my bedroom, searching my drawer looking for a picture of Michael and I, finding a picture of us in Neverland. His image smiling at me. Sitting the picture next to me, I lay in my bed grabbing a pillow to squeeze onto. The more I laid there, the more I realized he was really gone. I thought about what I would miss. His smile, the way he laughed, the way he'd stare at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him. I just wanted one more time to hug him, one more time to tell him I loved him, to feel his lips on mine. It's only been 4 hours and I missed him already. I begin to bawl my eyes out again. I hear my room door creak open and an arm pull into my waist, pulling me closer. "It's ok baby girl." He says stroking my hair. I turned to see Brian staring at me, he pulls me back into him. "What are you doing here?" I sniff, surprised. He wasn't supposed to be home for another 4 months. "I couldn't let you be alone in this situation..." He says holding me close. I wrap my arms around him, squeezing him tighter. "Thank you." I say, nuzzling my face into his chest. He stroked my back and kissed my forehead. I drift off to sleep in his arms.

The next morning I wake up with a terrible headache, my eyes were puffy and red. I didn't feel like myself. This still felt fake to me. "Hey baby, how are you feeling?" Brian asks me, kissing my temple. I shrug my shoulders. I didn't feel. I was still numb. "Are you hungry?" He asks. I shake my head. Brian, pulls me in for another hug, squeezing my shoulder. "Everything will be ok." He whispers. I let out a few tears and a sniff before getting myself together. "What do you want me to do?" He asks me. "Go get angel from my mother. I need to tell her." I answer blandly. He nods his head.

Telling Angel was hard to do, she loved Michael dearly and she cried extremely hard for him. I held her for a while, wiping her tears. "He's in a better place." I say, and thinking about it. He really was. Michael was constantly ridiculed and mistreated while he was here. He didn't deserve all the hate he endured. He was now at peace. I dreaded the next thought. The funeral. The actual goodbye had to take place and my body wasn't strong enough for it...

A couple weeks later the Jackson family called me over to tell me how the doctors say he died. "It wasn't just a heart attack. Conrad lied. There were drugs in his system." Jackie says. "He died from an overdose." I start to feel my face get hot. "What drug?" I ask. "We're not sure, they say some kind of anesthetic." Jermaine says. I frown my face, "like surgery medicine? How did he get his hands on that? What would he use that for?" I look around the room at everyone's faces. "we've gotta tell her... She should've known a long time ago, maybe Mike would still be here." Tito mumbles. Confusion comes over my face. "Tell me what?" "No she's already hurt, don't do that to her." Marlon says. "Tell me what." I repeat. Tito sighs deeply, "look, Honestly speaking, Michael was still addicted to painkillers. He begged us not to tell you. But we tried everything. We had interventions and tried talking to him but he was so in denial." He begins to get choked up. Jackie pats his back. My eyes cloud up. "What do you mean he was still addicted? For how long?" I say, emotions pent in my voice. "For a while Jay." Marlon says, darting his eyes down. I shake my head, this can't be right. "He promised me..." I mumble. "I should have been there... I should've known." I bury my face in my hands, choking up over my words. "You did all you could Jay, there was nothing else any of us could do." Marlon says patting my shoulder. "Well, the coroner ruled Mike's death a homicide... And Conrad is the number one suspect. So, all we can do is bury Michael peacefully and pray for justice." Jackie quietly says, shrugging.