The things we can't control

Chapter seven

I've never really been to a party. As an athlete you simply don't have the time for that. I normally only have one free day a week and my desire to spent that one day in bed with a hangover is, and always was, zero. This is also one of the reasons why I won't drink a single drop of alcohol tonight.

I've had alcohol before and it wasn't a nice experience. I drank one of my mothers wines on a day where everything just got too much and I wanted to forget some stuff. The only problem was that no matter how much wine I drank, I couldn't forget and I only felt more horrible with every sip. In the end I woke up to the worst hungover and puked multiple times that morning, but I still didn't forget. That experience led me to hate alcohol and its effects.

Once I arrived, Grace and Lilly already waited for me in front of the house from were I could already hear the booming of the bass. We hugged to greet each over and I realized that I felt slightly uncomfortable hugging Grace. Since the afternoon I couldn't stop thinking about my reaction to her kiss. I don't now why I blushed and I hated how I feel so out of control about my body in those moments with Grace.

We headed into the house and I was immediately overwhelmed by the strong smell and loud music rushing over us. "Take my hand, so we won't loos each other." Grace urged me holding her hand into my direction. I just stared at it, scared of how my body would react, and my inability to control that.

Grace must've noticed that I didn't want to take her hand, because she pulled it away and stuffed it harshly in her pocket. "Or just follow me." She said with a monotone voice.

Great, just great, Evie. You are on the best way to ruin your friendship with Grace. Just because you are so wired all the time.

I followed them into the kitchen and declined the drink Lilly offered me. Both Grace and Lilly got themselves some drinks and we continued to walk into a different room, where the music was even louder an everyone was dancing.

We soon lost Lilly in the crowed, who was previously dancing with some boy. I wanted to look for her but Grace said it was fine and that Lilly always gets herself some boy she can have some fun with. Again a concept I couldn't understand.

Somehow I later ended up dancing, or rather standing in the middle of the room. Grace was now pretty drunk and getting herself another drink, when a boy came up to me and started to dance with me. Although he wasn't really dancing with me, more like in my personal space.

"What's your name?" He asked me, leaning into me, so he was right next to my ear. I wanted to be polite and answered him, even though I felt quite uncomfortable with him this near to me. "Evie!" "Evie? That's a beautiful name. Do you have a boyfriend?" I shook my head and felt even worse. "Would you maybe like to find someplace a little quieter where we could talk?" Again, I shook my head and pushed my way trough the dancing people to get to the nearest bathroom.

Once the door was looked, I could finally breath again. He wasn't even rude and he wasn't ugly but something about that conversation just made me extremely uncomfortable. I turned to look at myself in the mirror and stared into my own eyes. I could still hear the loud music in the back round but my thoughts stared to overpower the noise.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I just act like any other girl on this planet when talking to boys. Why can't I just be normal.

It's honestly embarrassing to have the level of experience I have at my age. I am twenty and never kissed a boy. I sometimes feel more like a fourteen year old, not that I would know how a normal fourteen year old feels. I know that I decided to live this life and I mostly like it, but it doesn't mean that I can't hate the fact that my body also doesn't look like a woman's body. I love what my body can do but it comes with the fact that I don't have any curves, the tiniest boobs and probably more muscles that half the men in Stanford. I also never got my period, wich means I am practically a child.

Who would want to date that? Exactly, no one.

I noticed that I started to pinch my arm. A habit I picked up in my early teenager years whenever my thoughts got to overwhelming for me. I quickly held my wrists under cold water to calm myself down.

A nock on the door startled me and i turned the water off. I opened the door and stepped aside for two girls who ran into the bathroom. One of them puked into the toilet and I quickly turned away.

I had to get away. I hated this party and wanted to leave this place right now. I texted Grace, letting her know that I was leaving and made my way to the front door.

As I reached the hallway I saw two people kissing passionately. At first it didn't bother me but as they turned, I realised who they were.

One of them was the boy who danced with me and the other one was Grace.

It felt like someone punched me in the stomach and stabbed my heart at the same time. I've never felt like this before and I couldn't tell why I felt like this.

Actually that is a lie. I knew exactly what I felt. I was jealous, and not because Grace kissed the boy that firstly was interested in me, no, I wasn't jealous of Grace at all. I was jealous of the boy.

That thought nearly brought my knees to buckle under me. I needed to get away from all this. I noticed how my breathing got faster and started running out of the house.

"Evie! Evelyn wait!" I heard someone scream but I didn't wait.

I ran. I ran as fast as I could and didn't stop until I reached my dorm.

"Hey Evie, how was the..." Macy immediately noticed the state I was in and ran to my side. "Hey, hey Evie, calm down. Whatever it is, it's going to be alright." She tried to reassure me. But she didn't understand. Nothing would be alright.

This is unacceptable. I can't be like this. My mother would kill me. If there is any higher power in this world, please take it away. I don't want this. Please!

"I can't, Macy. I can't... I... I can't breath." I got out between chopped off breaths.

"It's okay Evie. It's okay." She cooed. "Concentrate on my breathing and the things you can see and feel right now." I somehow was able to do that and got my breathing under control. I fell into Macy's arms and sobbed into her shoulder. She guided me to my bed, laid me down and got in next to me.

That night Macy held me while I cried. She never asked what happened, knowing it would be too much for me. I don't know what I would do without Macy in my life.