The things we can't control

Chapter seventeen

I'll admit it. I spent the last hour stalking the US Women's National Team Instagram page checking out all the girls Grace is spending her time with right now. Especially a young woman called Mel. Thankfully I found out that she is married to a man, otherwise I probably would've called Lilly within the next hour, asking her about this woman.

As I continued my mindless swiping, I saw that they posted a new video. I clicked on it and stared at Graces wonderful figure as she and some teammates hoped into an Ice bath, jokingly throwing ice cold water at each other. My eyes somehow wandered to her stomach and I gulped as I saw her muscles flex as the cold water hit her.

I was so distracted by that sight, that I didn't notice the door opening and Macy stepping into the room. I was startled once she spoke right next to my ear. "What's so interesting there."

I screamed and threw the phone away. Jumping up, I tangled my feet in the blanket that was previously draped over my lap and face planted right in front of Macy. The latter just laughed and reached for the phone that laid on the floor next to her.

"Noooo! MACY, give it back to me!" I screamed and tried to grab the phone from her hands. This ended in a little wrestling match on the floor and somehow she managed to get on top of me, trapping my arms and making it impossible for me to move. It was one of those moments were you knew which one of us has a brother.

"Please, give it back." I pleaded, as she hasn't turned the phone yet. She send me a smirk and turned the phone. I immediately began to panic, knowing what this must look like. "It's not what you're thinking right now." Macy send me a bemused smile. "Oh, okay. And what am I thinking right now?" I shrugged my shoulders, feeling ashamed all of the sudden and looked anywhere but at her.

"If you asked me, it seems like you are a concerned friend who's checking what Grace is up to in her soccer camp. Oh wait. that's the friend you haven't talked to over the last weeks, so why are you so interested two weeks later?" I knew Macy was only joking but somehow I began to cry under her. I imagine this is what a pregnant women feels like because my hormones are just all over the place nowadays and I can't stop crying.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry Evie. I shouldn't have done that." She immediately apologised and hugged me. After some time she spoke again. "As I said, I'm really sorry but you know that you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. You could tell me that you killed someone and my first question would be 'why' and if you'd have a valid reason I would be pissed that I wasn't invited."

I quietly chuckled at her example and decided that she was right. Macy would never judge me. Her boyfriend has lesbian mothers, for crying out loud.

"Well, I... I don't really know how to tell you this but I think I am... like.... I don't know. Uhm." I couldn't say it. It just wouldn't leave my lips.

"Gay?" Macy tried to help and I nodded and immediately broke down, crying again. She hugged me even tighter and whispered words of encouragement into my ears. "You now that it's okay, right? There is nothing wrong with this. It's just love and that's always a beautiful thing, no matter if it's between two women or a man and a woman, or two boys, or non binary people for that matter, or... Well you get the point, right?" I nodded again and she kissed my temple.

"I'm not homophobic." I brought out, once I calmed down enough to speak. "I just never thought it would happen to me, you know." Macy laughed. "Denial isn't just a river in Africa, my girl." This time I had to laugh about the stupid saying.

"So tell me, when did you realise that Gracie is one hell of a woman?" Macy bluntly asked me and I knew that she was done with beating around the bush.

"I honestly don't know. Things have been a little different since we fist met. But then she kind of kissed me two weeks ago and I completely freaked out on her." I mumbled and wanted to say more but Macy beat me to it.

"Say that again, YOU KISSED?!" My ears nearly fell off, since she was still hugging me and my ear was basically next to her mouth. "Ow. Yes, she kissed me and then I freaked out and she spat some nasty words at me. Like how I should make up my mind and no longer string her along on my roller coster. Or something along the lines." She nodded and seemingly thought about what she wanted to say next.

"You know I can understand her. I also felt the vibe between you two from the very beginning and I honestly sometimes thought you were already secretly dating. Those 'dates', the tight hugs that were always a tad too long, just to be friendly and the kisses she would occasionally put on your cheek, where a little suspicious if you ask me." I knew she was right but before I could say something she continued. "So if I were the one receiving those vibes from someone, I would think I had a chance and maybe kiss them. If said person then pushed me away I would also be hurt and maybe say some things in the heat of the moment."

"I know. The whole thing was really shitty of me, but this is way over my head." I tried to defend myself. "Imagine the field trip the media would have with this or the reaction of my mother. Oh god, my mother can never find out. She would send me into on of those conversion camps. I don't want this. Not with Grace or anyone else."

She hugged me again and tried to say something to end my racing thoughts. "Firstly no one has to know yet. It's not written onto your forehead. But I do think that you have to apologise to Grace. It wasn't fair to her and I am sure she would appreciate the apology. You can figure the rest out as you go, but please to this. Maybe it would also take some off that weight off your shoulders."

I gave her a small smile and nodded. "You're right. It is only fair to her. I will do it once she is back." She nodded and handed me my phone.

"Sorry again, for prying into your privacy. I shouldn't have done that. But always remember this." She said, sending me a picture with a quote:

'I am a girl, I love a girl, and I am okay with that.'

It was short but hit my heart like a truck. I send Macy a watery smile and we hugged, for what felt like the thousands time today.