The things we can't control

Chapter thirteen

The new Year started as shitty as the last one ended. The fist few weeks were exhausting. I spend every free minute in the gym, following Ricks new training plan. He used every free second to remind me that he wasn't happy with my resent performance in training and that I needed to work harder if I still wanted to be one of the top gymnasts in the world.

These days it happened more often than not, that I thought about quitting. I just wasn't good enough anymore, just like everyone told me these days. The only reason that kept me going, was that I didn't know who I was, if I wasn't a gymnast. The thought alone nearly send me into a panic attack. I needed gymnastics in my life or I wouldn't need a life at all.

I laid on my bed as I tried to end my mental spiral. My phone alerted me to a new massage and I happily took the distraction. The screen showed a massage from Grace.

Grace: Are you in a mood for an afternoon walk to the park?

My heart started beating faster as I stared at my phone screen. This was another thing I couldn't ignore much longer. Grace somehow did something to me that I never experienced before and I hated it, or at least the part that my brain couldn't control. But a walk sounded nice right now, so I decided that I could ignore those confusing thoughts for a minute longer and answered Grace.

Evelyn: A walk sounds nice :)

Grace replied immediately, as if she had stared at her phone and waited for my answer, the last minutes.

Grace: Perfekt, I will be at your dorm in five minutes

What! Five minutes. I sat on my bed, only in my sports bra and gym shorts and my hair was a mess. I jumped to my feet and opened my closet. After one minute of searching for an outfit I decided that I hated everything I own. Why do I even care? It's not like this is a date with a hot guy. Deep down I knew that even if it was I wouldn't care half as much as I seemed to cared right now, but that was something I wouldn't worry about right now.

Finally I found something I liked and raced into the bathroom to tame my hair. Just as I was ready, a knock sounded through the room.

I opened the door and smiled at Grace. "Hey, are you ready?" She asked and I nodded, stepping out of the room and into her open arms that obviously invited me into a hug. I had to physically stopp myself from sniffing her hair, because it smelled fantastic. Stop! You're acting weird.

"You look amazing." She said as we parted and I mumbled a quiet thanks, hating the way my body reacted to this simple compliment.

We started our walk and in the beginning an awkward silence took place between us. Normally we just slip into a conversation and even if we weren't talking, it was always a comfortable silence. Thankfully, Grace was quick to brake this new silence.

"Sooo," she began, drawing out the 'o' " how was your Christmas?" Urgh, of all the things she could've asked, she chose the worst question. "It was fine." I lied, not really wanting to remember the time I spent home, feeling small under the critical eye of my mother.

"Just fine?" She asked and after I didn't answer she added, "You can talk to me you now? I wouldn't judge you, maybe I could even relate." I chuckled. "How could you relate to this?" She send me a questionable look. "I mean, you have the perfect family. Your mothers love you unconditionally and I don't think you could disappoint them even if you wanted, whereas my mother is even disappointed by the way I greet her." I explained and looked at the floor. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone how I felt like I disappointed my mother in every way and actually strove for her approval, but somehow Grace always has had the gift of getting me to tell her my deepest thoughts.

"I am sure your mom is proud of you. I mean look at you, you are twenty one and the world knows your name." She said, trying to find something positiv. "That's the bare minimum for my mom." I replied and she made a 'pfft' sound. "But if she is the typ of mother that likes to drag to her friends about her daughters successes, she for sure is proud that you are on an ivy league college." She said it with so much confidence that I nearly believed her but I knew it better.

"She actually doesn't care about college at all. I somehow convinced her to attend Stanford and I think she only agreed because they offered me a full time scholarship and free use of the gym." Grace frowned at my words. "Isn't it every mothers dream for her child to master life that much that they get a full scholarship to one of the best schools in the country?" She asked and I think normally she would be right, but not with my mother. "It probably would, if said mother actually wanted to be a mother. She never been quiet about the fact that I wasn't planed or wanted and ended her own gymnastics career before she could even reach the olympics." I said, bitterly.

Grace kept quiet and I just kept on going, since I was already telling her my life story. "I think I only realized with going to college how horrible her disapproving glances are and how often she seems to give them to me." Grace stoped and I turned to look at her.

"But you do realise that that's her problem and not yours. You aren't a disappointment." I stayed silent, looking at the floor. I saw how Grace's shoes stepped into my vision and felt a hand on my cheek, tilting my head upwards. "You are the furthest thing from a disappointment, Evelyn Hansen, do you hear me?"

I glanced into her eyes and noticed how close we stood. But this time I didn't stepp back, enjoying the comfort of another person for once in my life. I used our closeness to study her face. I admired her dark brown eyes, framed by naturally long lashes and full but well shaped eyebrows. I let my eyes travel down over her bottom nose, spotted with little freckles, to her petit mouth. Her lips opened slightly and I took a deep breath as I looked back into her eyes.

Her head moved into my direction and she stopped slightly right before our lips met, giving me the chance to step back.

But I didn't and our lips met. I felt the beats of my heart crawl all the way up to my ears. It hammered loud and fast, as my belly seemed to explode in a somewhat uncomfortable and at the same time unmatched sensation. I always thought that this feeling was exaggerated in books and movies and didn't exist, but this was even more exciting and nerve wracking as I could've ever imagined.

Once I finally came back to my senses, after what felt like hours and on the same time only seconds, I snapped my head back, braking the kiss abruptly. I stumbled backwards, trying to distance myself from Grace who's smile fell once she noticed my panicked look. "Evie, I... I'm sorry. I thought you wanted this." She stuttered.

"Why in the world would you think that?" I stupidly spatted and her expression changed from apologetic to angry.

"Do not act like I'm the one who's delusional here. You are the one who doesn't know what she wants. One moment you hug me, like you never want to let go and in the next you look at me like I am some disgusting, old rag. Pull yourself together, and until you've done that, stop. Just stop! Because I am tried off your games, Evie. Either you want me, this, whatever it is or you don't. There is no in-between. Do you understand that?!" She told me harshly, pointing her finger at my chest.

"I am not like you. I don't want this and I don't want you, Grace!" I replied, nearly screaming the last part into her face. A hurt look flitted across her face before she put a stoic expression on. "Then so be it. But do not come back once you realise that you are just 'like me' and made a big mistake. Fuck you, and your huge ego Evelyn Hansen and I hope you do find happiness in that gold medal." With that she turned around and walked away.

Shit, what have I done.