The things we can't control

Chapter nine

The time with the Preath's really helped me after what happened at home. Thy were so happy and careless. You didn't have to pray before dinner. You didn't have to show what you ate. You could just laugh about funny stuff without having to worry about the reaction. You could just be yourself and no one said anything. No one judged.

It made me realise how much I hated going home nowadays and how guilty I felt about even thinking that but my mom really pushed to far this time.

***

I stood on the scale in the gym and my coach, mother and myself watched the number carefully. After they finally stoped changing, my heart sank.

"What is this." My mother asked mustering me up and down. "Evelyn can you explain why it's so much higher than it was last time you were home?" My coach asked and I started to feel a little dizzy.

"I.. I.. Uhh" My mother gave me a pointy stare. "Stop stuttering and answer the question, dammit."

"I don't know, maybe it's muscle mass." I tried to explain myself, hating how angry my mother was. She shook her head. "I don't think so. I think you are't telling us the truth about what you eat and how much you actually train in college. You are letting yourself go Evelyn. Wasn't it enough to loos at the olympics? Do you also need us to reget letting you go to college. I thought we agreed that you wouldn't let the others pull you into the horrible style of college gymnastics."

I didn't know what to do. I did train enough. I think I even trained more than I did here but they won't believe me. It's just muscle mass. It has to be muscle mass. I didn't eat more and I trained just as hard. I don't unterstand how I didn't notice the higher number back in Stanford. I would've adjusted my meal plan.

"Evie you have to keep up with the training and meal plan. We just want to help you reach your goal and I don't think you want to repeat Tokyo, right?" I nodded and tried to stop myself from crying.

"We just want to help you, my little star, but you have to keep your part of the bargain." My mother hugged me and I couldn't stop a tear from rolling down my face. "Keep it together until we are home would you." My mother hissed in my ear and I bit my lip hard.

At home she started her typical screaming match about how I embarrassed her in front of Richi, my coach. How she doesn't understand why I couldn't just pull it together and do what I'm supposed to. And worst of all, that I was a disgrace to her and a failure.

If she knew how much of a disgrace I actually was she wouldn't even let me into her house.

That thought was the one that was too much for me and I knew I had to leave. I tried calling Macy but she didn't pick up. I stupidly decided to take the next bus to San Diego, following her location on the Snap-map, forgetting that she spend her Thanksgiving with Jackson and therefor also with Grace.

It was stupid off me but ended up being one of the nicest Thanksgivings in my life.

***

The next day we all headed back to Stanford. The journey was pretty funny and I realised how much I missed Grace over the last weeks and that realisation honestly scared me. How could you be so torn between wanting to see someone all the time and then being afraid of spending time with them. It doesn't make any sense if you ask me.

It was now the fist week of December and I tried studying in my room while Macy was with Jackson.But instead of studying I was once again thinking.

Everything felt so out of control right now and I needed to change that as soon as possible. If there is one thing I hate more than loosing, it's feeling out of control. One of the things I couldn't decide is if I wanted to tell Macy about my recently confused thoughts. I wasn't scared of her reaction. Especially after Thanksgiving I knew she wouldn't care about it but if I told her about this feelings, they would become too real. I don't want that life and therefor I won't live it, end of the discussion.

I decided that now is the time to stop thinking about my complicated life and started the studying I still had to finish. A knock on my door destroyed those plans and I stood from my desk to open the door. To say I was surprised to see Richi and my Mother on the other side of the door would be the understatement of the year.

"What are you doing here." I asked them surprised.

"After your sudden departure the day before yesterday, we agreed that we needed to visit you and reorganise your life. Clearly you are overwhelmed living by yourself and therefor lost the focus on the things that matter the most." My mother explained and I had to suppress the urge to roll my eyes.

"We booked the gym for the whole afternoon. Be ready in twenty." And with that they left for the gym. I started preparing for practice, feeling completely numb. I should be furious about their sudden appearance and demands but I wasn't. I was just so over everything in my life.

I left the dorm at 3 pm and returned at 9 pm feeling like I just competed in the olympics. And you could say that I did, because Richi wanted to see my whole olympic routines more than once, which I haven't trained in over a year. I was surprised a dull aching in my Achilles tendon was the only pain I felt right now but I also knew that it would be worse tomorrow. I landed an alarming amount of vaults and tumbling-passes short because my foot just wasn't ready for that yet. It has been so much better over the last weeks and I finally trained without tape, but after today I would have to ask Alex for a new one again.

Macy looked up from her bed as I opened the door, mustering my beat up form. "Evie, how many times do I have to tell you, not to over do it?" She sighted. "At this rate you won't live long enough to reach the Paris Olympics." She sadly shook her head.

"Well, Richi is here. He made me do quit the intense practice." I explained searching for my shower stuff.

"I really don't like how extrem he makes you train. I'm not a coach, or athlete for that matter, but I know what Jackson's practices and coaches are like and they're definitely more in favor of his health than yours."

"But Jackson also hasn't been to the Olympics. My coach knows what he's doing and I trust his methods because they work." With that I left to shower.